How to tell DD I’ve changed my surname

[HotFudge87]

Hi,

So I’ve been separated/divorced from DD dad for the past 3 years. I’d always thought I’d keep my married name so that myself and my daughter had the same name and kept us bonded. I’m now in a relationship where things are going well and I’ve decided to revert back to my maiden name. I also feel like changing my name means my ex has less control over me. How do I tell/explain to DD that I’ve changed my name? I know it’ll upset her. She’s only 6 but ever so bright so not something I can keep from her.

Tough one. Try not to attach to much importance to it, might help her see it is nothing to be upset about. "I've changed by name back to the name I had as a little girl" she might not question it. If she does then reassuring its nothing to do with wanting a different name to her, just down to not being married to dad anymore and everyone loves her same as always.

I left my ex when my boys were 3 and 6. It was a horrible separation. When I first gently mentioned changing my name back to my birth name (I called it my maiden name on the feminism board and got told off!), eldest was very reluctant. He asked if I would still be his mummy if our surnames were different.

I left it a few years as there was no urgency and then changed it. I also dropped the Mrs bit and will never go back to being a Mrs again, even when I marry next year. Kids were at that point very accepting of it as I had been separated from their dad for a number of years, it wasn't a big deal. They had got used to the idea of us living entirely separate lives but knew that we'd always still be mummy and daddy.

They know I have the same last name again as their maternal grandparents and they are fine with that. They also know I am no longer a Mrs but a Miss.

Strangely enough it was my ex who had issues with it for quite some time! For him, it was all about ownership.

My youngest is now almost nine. He has mentioned he'd like to DB his surname but I've had to explain that he'll need to wait until he's legally old enough to do that. Personally I'd be delighted if he does!

Thank you both for your advice. I guess I just need to try and pick the right time and hope for the best!

My ex told his mum (on phone but DC were in earshot) that he was ashamed I had his surname (he is a cheat (more than 10 times over), verbally & financially abusive and on two occasions physically - although he didn't hit me). Not sure he understands the concept of shame.

@Pixel99

I hear you. My abusive ex was the other way. He kept his wedding ring on for about a year after I'd walked (eurgh!) and kept changing my initials in our boys' reading diaries back to my married name. All about control.

Like you say, these sorts of ex's have never felt an ounce of shame in their lives unfortunately.