Regretting children.

[Witsend1234]

I have two kids. 10 and 2. Everything was good when we were just a family of three but the much wanted baby came and changed everything. He is always ill, he wants to breastfeed every 2 hours at night and on demand during the day. When he’s not feeding he wants held or to touch my face or to climb on me. I’m permanently encrusted in his snot and he’s always got something else going wrong with him. He has no known illness or disability to cause this. There is no respite.

My partner tries to help but the baby only wants me 24/7. My eldest child feels ignored now because the youngest is so demanding. I feel like I’m losing the eldest to their phone.

I tried nightweaning briefly but the neighbours called the police because the baby screamed and tantrumed for so long they thought he was being harmed. Police said they’d have to contact social services about the complaint so now we’re waiting for them to appear. I actually see this a s a blessing!

Health visitor tried to get me some respite with care for the youngest but as I’m not financially eligible for the 2year old childcare help and my case wasn’t strong enough for exceptional help conditions, I didn’t get anything. We can’t afford childcare locally so I don’t work. Even at that he’d never be there because he’s always ill.

I feel so stuck. I have no help other than my partner who is out the house from 6am until 9pm. I never thought I’d be one of those who regret having a child. I love him with all my heart but I do regret having him 😭

Sounds like you’re having such a difficult time - it’s really hard when you are getting not enough sleep and not enough rest.

At best you have to remember that it is a phase, it will pass.
In the meantime your dh needs to step up and help with the overnights. If your youngest is two there is no reason for being up every two hours overnight.

How did you approach the night weaning? Perhaps there is another approach which might work better? People on here have tried (and failed at) every way.

I think you need to be around other adults, having adult conversations. I know your youngest gets ill a lot, but it is important to get out of the house, join groups. Take lots of tissues and tell people that he has an allergy issue. In all likelihood if he's snotty constantly it could be this - a general rhinitis issue rather than ill health. My DS and I both have this and it was harder when he couldn't use nasal sprays.

At home there are times you will need to be with your eldest and your toddler will need to be told "no, mummy is busy". I'm not suggesting all evening, just while Peppa Pig etc on TV and you know he has eaten and safe.

I think when your in the thick of it @Witsend1234 you can feel like it will never end. I have a baby and a toddler and I can't be there as much for the eldest as I want to be because the baby takes up all of my time. It's hard, it's relentless, but it does get better.

My baby is always sick. Currently he's asleep after projectile vomiting for the last 36 hours and I haven't bothered having a shower because he'll only be sick on my again. Work are as good as they can be when you're always off because they're sick again.

My only real advise is your DP needs to step up more. Try to wean away from the BF and he can take some of the nights away from you. I know this didn't work last time but maybe talk to your neighbours and let them know what's happening. You're no good to anyone if you're worn down. Take some time for yourself and try and re charge and tackle it again with a fresh strong approach. It's difficult anyway so why not be difficult trying to get your LO to sleep better. I must add, I remember falling asleep on my landing floor with my phone in my hand after begging the ladies of Mumsnet for advice as my eldest would not sleep and I was cracking up so I'm aware this is a lot harder than it sounds. Good luck

@sosigdog actually it very much sounds like you didn’t read the post.
OP I am reading on the hoof to a midwife appt but I hear you and hope those wiser than I will have something helpful to say. Life sounds very hard for you right now and I’ve been there to an extent with a constantly unwell and crying two year old and his (much less aware than your 10yo) 4yo sister. Mine woke nearly every 2 hrs and only needed me too. It was exhausting. Does your 2yo communicate well? What does your day look like? Mine didn’t until 4 mo ago but it has changed all of our lives (he’s coming up 3 in June). I’ll come back to this when I get more time later.

I feel for you OP but @chocmallows it's completely selfish and careless to take a knowingly sick child around others. Goodness knows what he has, even if its just a cold, you don't knowingly spread it to other children.

OP, the night feeds seem to be the route problem. Have you tried reducing feeds at night? Not frequency, but less milk at each feed. Keep slowly reducing and weak LO that way.

Thank you everyone for the nice replies. No I don’t hate my baby and any literate person capable of basic comprehension would be able to read that in the post. I know it was deleted but I was messaged about it and felt I should respond.

@FTMF30 I totally agree about not going out tonspread illness and so we’re
Basically stuck in the house most days of the week. When he gets a cold it ends up as a chest infection and his asthma plays up so it’s not worth aggravating.

The night feeds are only a problem when he’s ill (granted most of the time at the minute) when he’s well he doesn’t wake quite so often and the waking isn’t always about feeding but comfort or a babble. We have tried the ‘dont offer don’t refuse method’ but he was permanently attached and we couldn’t drop a feed because when we tried he screamed hysterically. He really doesn’t get a lot of milk through the night so it’s not like I can restrict it more. When we’ve tried being a bit tougher and just cuddle him as he cried and screamed (and thrashed) the neighbour called the police. First night he went for five hours solidly screaming and it sounded awful, the next it was 4.5 hours (that’s when the neighbour phoned and I’d probably have done the same had I heard him through the wall) - I decided maybe waiting until he was ready was the easiest thing. He won’t do it in his teens, will he? If he wasn’t so clingy during the day I’d be more at ease with the persistent nights.

My OH does his fair share but does need to be alert for his job so can’t really help with regular night wakings.