Stepdaughter using half siblings to create distance

[sosomum1]

Does anyone have experience with this?
My stepdaughter is 8 and I love her very much. She lives with us primarily and sees her mum on weekends. My husband and I have two children together. Our son is almost two and our daughter is three months old. My stepdaughter never warmed up to the idea of her siblings, she is actually quite distant with them. She always has a tantrum if my husband or I call the kids just her siblings. She will correct people and say they are her HALF siblings. When people asked her before if she was excited to be a big sister, she would tell us she wasn't going to be a sister because they would only be her half siblings. My husband would tell her that they were still her siblings but she always explains that they have different mums so that makes them not real siblings.
It bothers my husband and it bothers me a little too, but I'm more upset about how detached she is with them. Our son is starting to want to play with her and she ignores him or moves away when he tries and I have noticed she uses the half before siblings as a way to make it seem like they have no relationship.
Does anyone have any advice?

She's been through enormous upset and change in her life and she is only 8. Just because her parents have found stasis in their new lives doesn't mean that she has or will anytime soon. Give her the space and time to work this out. My step daughter asked her father every time she saw him for at least the first 10 years we were together if and when he was getting back together with her mum. 20 years later she is grown and we finally have a good relationship and she has developed a good relationship with my dd and ds who she finally calls her sister and brother without the half.
Please just be sweet and patient and don't expect too much too soon. Maybe some counseling might help her too. (I'm in California - everyone has a therapist.) Also toddlers and newborns are not particularly fun and are probably taking away attention from her. Perhaps your dh could make a point of spending some quality time with her alone. It will get better, unless you try to force it too soon and then she will just be resentful.

Thank you for the encouragement and reassurance that things can get better. She already talks to someone once a week about it. She had a hard time not living with her mum and dad and I believe they are talking about the addition of new siblings. I hope it can help her.

Some children just don't like the addition of new siblings, half or not. My friend recently had twins with her husband when her daughter was 7 - same dad and everything. Her DD tells people that her full blood siblings aren't really related to her. It's a bit odd but then again kids are odd. I'm not sure you can do much really. A two year old and a three month old aren't going to care if she refers to them as her half siblings. And in reality, they are so she's not wrong.

I have two older half siblings and we didn't have any sort of loving relationship until we were adults unfortunately. But now we're all very close.

What does she love? It's your job to facilitate the relationship between her your DS. She probably needs more 1:1 time with both you and your DH. Have you read the book "the incredible years"? They suggest even 10 minutes of special time per day when she is the complete focus of the adult and the child leads. You do whatever she wants to do without any Interruption from other siblings. The stronger the bond with you the easier it will be to bond with her siblings. We used special time with my stepkids when DS game along and it made a huge difference. Just set the timer so she knows it has to end and when. Hand the other two to DH.

Little things matter. If you have treats to hand out give hers to DS and get him to hand it to her. Make sure her most wanted birthday gift is from him. Get him to hand it to her etc. Play games with them all. Hide and seek is a good one. Be silly and "hide" the baby behind a door. Little one will squeal when "found". Let her pick outfits for the little one.

Let her introduce the baby to new people. If she says "half" that's ok. It's her identity and it's true. Try not to let it grind your gears. She's telling you something with her word choice and behaviour. It's a cry for help. She's not being naughty.