considering having another baby, but abit frightened

[thegardener]

Have 1 16mth boy already and considering trying for another baby.

Feel a bit frightened by the birth - with ds his heart rate slowed down so they tried ventouse first but that didn't work & then forceps & an episotomy. I only had g&a and found it very painful & traumatic.

Also have had problems from family both sides re adjusting to a new baby & new boundaries.

Would obviously love to have another baby for our son & for us but feel a bit held back by the above, has/does anyone else feel the same?

This time you will be prepared, normally the birth is easier the second time. Remember that you can always discuss alternative pain relief with your MW (spinal). Having a new baby will be an adjustment for all but you cant live without them...

thank you for your message Sanetjvv, i think i would prefer an epidural next time, i did ask for one with ds but it was too late to have one, i suppose that is on my mind a bit, some people say 2nd labour is faster and my first was over in a morning, i wonder if many people have the labour they planned?

You're right, this time i will be prepared & that a new baby is an adjustment for all.

How many children do you have?

remember that every pregnancy is differant though, my pg with dd was horrendous, i was induced early and it took 15 hours traumatic heart rate up and down all the time........but with ds was fab relatively drama free pregnancy and done and dusted in a few hours. i felt the same but it was brill x

I'm in a similar situation - 16 month boy and a traumatic labour because of the heartbeat slowing.

I still haven't forgotten how horrible the labour and first few months were, which is what's putting me off. Also I still have PND, and am worried it'll just get worse with a second child.

The thing is that I guess you'll never truly be ready, but everyone says the second labour is easier, so let's hope so! If you are feeling brave, and as ready as you can be in this situation, then go for it!

If not, wait a few months and see how you feel then. I wouldn't rush into it if I didn't really want another child.

It's not really a logical decision though, is it? It's all about the hormones and the body clock when you get down to it!

I have 2 dds, had a very good birth experience with dd1, but was also very scared the second time because I knew anyting can still go wrong. It was easier the second time... Talk to your GP or MW about your fears, they are there to help. I hope that if you decide to have another baby that the pregnancy and birth would be a very special experience for you.

thank you for all your messages of support, i wouldn't want to waste my mw/gp's time by booking an appointment about this, i feel a bit silly in a way talking to them about it but in saying that maybe that is the way forward as i would really like another baby, i hope to have a special pregnancy & birth experience too santjvv, thanks for your kind words.

I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering with pnd Naartjie, it must be tough for you at times, my neighbour had it, but has come through it now, hope you will do very soon.

Sueeze what pain relief did you have?

Thanks :-) I hope so too!

I had a similarly distressing experience with my ds' birth (2.5) and I had put off having more children til quite recently. I have decided that I will ask to have a mobile epidural with no.2 in light of my problems the first time around. And I remind myself that it was very difficult but I survived and ds survived and we are both absolutely fine now.

i had exactly same with my first, but went on to have a completely natural birth with dd and pg again. Remember each pg and birth is different.
As to the adjusting that is the most difficult with the first after that they tend to fit in more easily.

Rantmum & lilyloo thanks for your support, it helps knowing others have been through similar experiences and have felt the same.
A mobile epidural - does that mean you will still experience a bit of pain towards the last bit?
i feel more ethusiastic now about trying for another baby, probably start trying a month after i've finished taking this last set of pills

thats great i'm sure you will be fine. I was so glad i tried again and didn't stop talking aout how great my second birth was and tbh i think all the problems of the first made me much more focused on everything the second time around and i have to say i was very proud of myself.
I hope it goes well for you and i'm sure your family will adjust much quicker the seocnd time round.

Thank you for your kind words Lilyloo, hope you and your family are keeping well.

gardner, others have said it already, but thought I'd chime in nonetheless! I had traumatic birth 1st time round and ended up with a section (heart rate had dropped), had nightmares about it for a long time. When I got pg with ds2 I was extremely worried about the birth, well frightened same as you. I had to try hard to not panic, did yoga, breathing. But when you're pg & have another LO, there's not a great deal of time to panic that much! I went on to have a natural birth with ds2, g&a only and it was so wonderful. However, I prepared myself for a 'bad birth' so I wouldn't be disappointed or traumatised.
Going over exactly what happened, why it went wrong with a professional might be very helpful for you. I found speaking to a few midwives when I was pg very reassuring. You could ask to be referred to a gynae as well (I was cos of the section). If you can find out that it is v.v.unlikely to occur again with a 2nd baby, that might ease some of your fears. It did mine. Sounds as though you've decided to try again already, but if/when you do get pg, don't be scared to ask a thousand qu's of the mwives, it will really help! Good luck.

Thanks awbs, that's a good idea, i spoke to my health visitor recently & she made me feel more at ease & enthusiastic about having another, when i hopefully get pregnant i will certinly take your advice and speak to my midwife about any worries.
I couldn't be without my ds so it's certainly worth it but the birth is just a hurdle to get over i suppose mentally & physically. I'm sure if men had to have children they would probably only have one!

I was induced and had a C-section and whilst the C-section was fine (I was terrified of giving birth naturally and actually wanted a section anyway) it took me almost 2 years to stop having nightmares/panic attacks about my induction. It was 4 years before I could even consider having another child. I knew I could never go through a pregnancy again with the worry of having to give birth naturally so I made an appointment with my GP who suggested I write to my consultant about it. He agreed to let me have another section if I were to get pregnant again, so here I am - due in 8 weeks Not that I'm suggesting that you ask for a section of course, just to point out that making an appointment with your GP isn't a waste of their time and that it can have a good outcome. Good luck!

That's great, gardener! I think I would have tried much sooner had I been able to feel better about the birth of ds1. As it is my boys are 3 years apart. I don't know if this is any reassurance, but I don't think it could ever be as scary the 2nd time round because you've already been there - the unknown is so much more scary IMO!

I have 1 ds (12 months) and dh is desperate for another baby. I don't want ds to be an only child and I always said I would like 3 kids but I'm really frightened that I couldn't cope. After ds was born I went through quite bad time. I don't know if it was slight PND or just a bad case of baby blues but I've never felt so bad in my life, sad and alone and I just didn't enjoy the first few months at all. Thing is I'm now 33 and dh is 37 so don't want to leave it too long and also it took 2 years ttc ds. Just scared at the prospect and wondered if anyone else experienced these feelings but then had another baby

I had a traumatic birth with dd1 which resulted in a c-section under a GA and her being in intensive care for a week. I was so sore and depressed and we really struggled. But I still went on to have dd2 2 yrs later and ds 2 yrs after that (they are 5, 3 and 1) - both dd2 and ds were planned sections and not in the least traumatic. I don't regret it at all - dd1 and dd2 are so close and both adore ds. I'm an only child and can really see the benefits to both dds in learning to share, co-operate with others and see another's pov. If my body could take it'd I'd have another!

Ali, your post could have been written by me but it is so different the second time around, it's a totally new experience.

Thanks Startouchedtrinity

I suppose deep down I sometimes think that I would cope ok as i've down it before and I would have a better idea of what I was doing and wouldn't stress about every little detail. You'll appreciate what a frightening time it can be being a new mum, and as hard as they try, dh's have no idea what it's like. DH says to me 'of course you'll cope' but really how does he know. Although in saying that my ds is now one year old and it's been the fastest year of my life. He is such a wonderful boy and I can't believe how much I love him- it would be wonderful to carry on that love and have another. Thanks Star, you're post has left me feeling positive and given me a dose of courage. It sounds like you have a lovely familyx

No problem! The change in your life when you have a baby is like nothing else - ever. The change from having one to two is nothing like as major. I found I felt very guilty for a few weeks' after dd2's birth b/c dd1 suddenly had to share me. That soon wore off, and now she can't remember a time when dd2 wasn't here. Each day they hug at the door to dd1's classroom at school, and every afternoon we go to pick dd1 up and dd2 barges all the big children out of the way to get to her sister to give her another hug. Every night before bed dd1 helps me tuck dd2 in and they kiss and tell each other they love each other. It's truly beautiful and I am so pleased I had them close together. And now with ds, dd1 is just the best big sister, but I think he and dd2 are going to be partners in crime! It's equally amazing how different they are - every stpe of the way has been different with each of them, and has taught me so much and given me a treasure trove of wonderful memories. Yes, there are times when it is stressful, and I am tired, and I long for sleep or the time to have a bath, but it is still the best thing I can ever imagine having done.

btw, don't by Rebecca Abrams' book about having more than one child (something about socks and a hairbrush in the title) - it's pants!

Dear Star

What you have written is absolutely beautiful, and I can imagine how much joy it must bring you seeing your dc get on so well and have so much love for one and other. I've been thinking about this a lot over the last few days and I think my mind is made up that I'm going to try for another baby sooner rather than later. Keep your fingers crossed for me and thanks for your words of support

good luck!

absolutely agree with star (and about the book, too, I felt absolutely awful about having 2 for weeks after reading that, and it's nowhere near as bad as she makes out!). I had pnd with ds1 and did not at all enjoy his first year, around 18 months I started to enjoy motherhood. The difference with ds2 has been amazing, I felt like earth mother from the word go! The first is always going to make more of an impact on you emotionally even if the 2nd has more of an impact on finances/career/time etc etc. The shock will never be the same twice, and you know you can love a child because you already do!