3yo tantrums at home time. How to handle?

[graysor]

3yo dd has always been tricky to extract from places when she’s having fun. But lately she’s been throwing spectacular tantrums. I’ve recently had to literally carry her out kicking and screaming from a couple of play dates. i need to handle it better, but am at a bit of a loss.

I always talk to her before we go about my expectations for home time. I always give her a 5 minute warning and a count down. I have never allowed ‘just another 5 minutes’ after I’ve said it’s hometime.

When she kicks off I try and remain calm and no nonsense. I tell her that screaming shouting etc is unacceptable and it’s home time. Then direct her to get coat and shoes on, and assist/ force them on as necessary (or not, as today she wouldn’t put her shoes on, so walked home in her socks. Only 4 doors down, so not the end of the world).

I don’t know what else to do? Any punishment / consequence for her behaviour seems too distant for it to be relevant. Obviously a consequence for poor behaviour during a play date would be to go home early, but given that we’re already going home that doesn’t work. Saying that we won’t come again seems too far in the future for a 3yo to connect.

Any ideas? My friends are reasonably sympathetic when it happens, but I’m so embarrassed by dd’s behaviour and really want to do better at parenting her.

My dd loves her teddies, if she acted like that I'd tell her I'd take one away until the next day.

I did this when she was about 2.5 and I only had to take away a teddy a few times. She didn't have regular tantrums go begin with thou and has always been very mature in her understanding. Might not work with some kids

That’s an interesting idea Red. But dd doesn’t have any toys that she’s especially attached to. I can’t think of anything that she’d be particularly bothered by if I said she couldn’t have it when we got home.

How about a reward for good behaviour? If you leave nicely you can have xyz at home.

A pre agreed award is worth a try. Any ideas for something good as a reward? Preferably non edible!

Lots of reward options you could go with. Stickers, bubbles, a trip to the pound shop to pick out a cheap toy after a week of good home time behavior, for example. For lots of kids, one on one attention is the best reward, so something like an extra story at bedtime or a special girls tea outing with mum can be equally exciting.

One other thing that might help with transitions is an egg timer or stop watch which allows the child to feel more in control of going home than simply being told it's time to leave by a parent. At the 5 minute until home time mark, walk up, hand the stop watch or timer to your child and say, "when this goes off, put on your shoes and coat and bring it to me and you can earn your sticker!" You can treat it like a game or race too, i.e. what's the fastest she can get her things together and run over to you when the timer goes off.

TV/tablet time is my go to reward/threat.

Thanks, lots of good ideas there. We have sand timers to use at home, so could definitely try that approach.

She rarely responds to the make it a race or a game approach. I often try this, only to be told angrily, it’s not a race mummy.

Going home needs to be attractive too. ‘Right Dd, shoes on and then we can go home and play play dough, find those biscuits, watch peppa’.

It’s bloody hard work though, isn’t it? Dd went through this for a while too.

Making going home attractive is tricky. Yesterday we had to leave because it was dinner time. Dd is not motivated by dinner at all, and I didn’t want her to have the tv on as I’d have had a whole other battle turning it off and getting her to eat her dinner!
All we really had time for was a late dinner, then bath and bedtime. All of which she hates! 🤦‍♀️

I'd choose a tantrum about TV at home over a tantrum at a friend's house.

Oh god, this brings back so many memories! I had a determined little girl like that, too. No advice, sorry. She was a bugger for going rigid when I'd try to put her in the car seat. I'm still traumatised by that and she's an adult now

Immediate distraction before attempting to leave. So have something to hand to give her to hold as you wrangle her out the door. "oooh look what's this?" It's preemptive bribery. As a PP said its bloody hard work and frustrating!

Three is old enough to understand 'we're not coming again' particularly if you use it the next day (even if you weren't going to go there anyway!).

So for example, you could say today 'Sarah wanted you to come and play at her house this afternoon, but I've had to say no because you can't come home nicely. What a shame!'.

I would also use it for future events, so for example...'today we are going to softplay. If you come out nicely when it's time to go home we can go to Sarah's house tomorrow. If you can't be good, we'll have to stay at home tomorrow'. I would tell her that several times. In the morning, on the way to softplay, somewhere in the middle of your time there, at the five minute warning point and when it's time to go. If she doesn't come out nicely follow through and explain again the next day 'we're staying at home today. We can't go to Sarah's because yesterday you were so naughty coming home from softplay!'

They get it very quickly!

have you tried being sympathetic and verbalising how she's feeling? it can be soo disappointing having to leave when you're having fun! you're don't want to leave x and you're cross about it! (with feeling).

read how to talk so little kids will listen.

Try and leave a little earlier so there's time to play before dinner time? We have this as DS (3) knows home = dinner then bed, sometimes 'if you come now you can play for 15 minutes before supper ' can help.

I’ve tried the sympathetic approach (have read how to talk many times! But she seems impervious to it, and most of the approaches the book suggests!

Leaving earlier before she is too tired, and so we have time to do something at home first is definitely a good plan.

I just struggle to motivate her with anything at home. She has no interest in anything else suggest eg painting, play dough, tea party, dolls house, stickers, trains, duplo, etc etc

If you're looking for new things at home have you tried kinetic sand? Good for dinosaur digs, construction sites, sand molds and castles... it's like a cross between sand and play dough. Looks and works like wet sand but doesn't dry out.

Don't buy a load of new toys to bribe her home! It's not exactly a long term solution is it? Just keep buying new toys every time she gets bored of the old ones!

Be firm! You make the rules, when it's home time, it's home time.

'Nuffsaidsam' lol that wasn't quite what I meant! Just a separate suggestion for if dd is bored at home. We do have too many toys though so maybe you have a point 😂