Thoughts on MIL feeding dd before you have?

[Newmum201888888]

I would like your honest opinions on my current situation at the moment. I know as mums we have to bite our tongue time to time or even daily.

So I hadn’t started to wean my dd yet nor did I think she was ready to be weaned. Possibley the last 5/6 weeks from what my memory can recall I noticed my baby had really unusual nappies only on a Sunday - they where chunky with dark green and black. (My mil would babysit Friday’s and sometimes of a Saturday morning whilst me and my partner work) I would notice stains around the neck of bibs and baby grows but thought it could be barrier cream, I found a spoon in the nappy bag and when I questioned my dp he told me his mum gave him it. Mil would keep hold of dd clothes to wash instead of giving them back in the nappy bag (I thought maybe she was just being helpful). The last 3 weekends while I’ve been working my dp would call and say dd is really unsettled but I thought maybe he’s being impatient as she goes down for naps really easy for me. So from all the above I became suspicious and asked a mum friend about the nappy situation and she told me if her diet hasn’t changed or if she isn’t unwell then her nappies shouldn’t be no different.

I eventually asked my mil if she had been feeding my dd and her reply was “yes sometimes I give her a rusk made up with her milk she seems to like it” I then expressed how I would of appreciated being told or even asked if that was okay before her feeding her and that rusks are absolutely not necessary for a baby they are full of sugar. (She knew dd hadn’t been weaned yet and that I would tell her soon as dd had). Her response was “she’s been ready for weeks”. Mil came round unannounced without dp there to be confrontational. She said “I want to know what all this is about me feeding her half a rusk” and continued to say “my baby isn’t a science project” because I said there are improved ways of feeding babies now hence why I wanted to wait until I thought she was ready or until she was 6 months old.

She has made the current situation all about herself asking me if I think she is a bad mum or if I think she’s trying to hurt my dd. Ofcourse I don’t think that nor do I think a rusk is going to kill my baby. Whether it of been a carrot or a rusk being fed to my dd its the lying and disregard to my parenting which has upset me the most. I haven’t had an apology or “I hope that’s ok” no remorse to that fact I’m upset about this just that she thinks she knows best for my dd and can’t see no wrong doing in any of this. My dp thinks I’m over reacting and is more concerned about me being “horrible” or causing a divide with his mum.

I don’t want to fall out with mil, I appreciate everything she does and the help I get but I’ve had to bite my tongue A LOT. So for this to now happen and for her to see absolutely no wrong doing I’m now thinking am I over reacting? Or is this a natural reaction?

Let me clarify that I do not think I’m overreacting, everything I have said to mil isn’t any jabs at her as a mother/gm I’ve only expressed my upset and well-being for my dd

@happymummy12345

Hey thanks for your reply. I’d love to know what my Mum’s reaction would be to all this and whether she would be the same as my mil. I lost my mum at 18 and have been entirely independent since... maybe this is my issue because I’m constantly relying on other mums and google for information. However I feel like if my own mum did this to me she would of had it worse than my dp mum haha

I am a grandmother and do a lot of childcare for dgc aged16 months. I always follow my daughters instructions about feeding as to do otherwise is a breech of trust. Things were different when I had my daughters but I fully accept that it is in my dgc best interest to adhere to what the current expert recommendations are for infant feeding. I wouldn't trust mil with childcare until she has proved she is responsible enough to care for your child as you would wish.

@singlenotsingle

Sorry lied/not felt the need to let me know she’s feeding dd. However it’s perceived.

@sue51

Thank you for your reply, as @singlenotsingle might think I only care about my own feelings. If my mil doesn’t or doesn’t want to acknowledge that boundaries have been crossed and that I’ve only received patronising comments from her instead of an apology or that she might of been the tinyiest bit wrong then how do I move forward and put trust into that person ever again

I would be pissed off about this

She wouldnt be looking after my dc alone again

This is the kind of woman who will also give your baby their first hair cut....

@IVEgottheDECAF

Haha that’s my next fear. I said this to my dp “what’s next a haircut”

I understand you're really upset by this. Can you get your husband on side, let him deal with mil and make her see that she's out of step with current thinking?

I wouldn't be happy about this. It's the sneakiness that would annoy me as well. She wasn't "doing what she thought was best" - she was hiding it from you and going behind your back. That's not okay.

Long term though I think you stand up for yourself, draw your boundaries and then you need to let it go. You can't never speak to her again. I'd have a frank chat with your DH as well as set out that you expect to be supported 100% on this.

@sue12345

My dp thinks I’m overreacting and can’t see any wrong doing by his mum. At first when found out he was annoyed how upset I was but then eventually said “no, I get my mum shouldn’t have gave her a rusk”. But It’s not about what she got fed. At the time I was probably mortified that it was a rusk because that was something I wouldn’t choose to feed her myself but the answer to your question no, I don’t think he will ever come round to the idea that his mum is wrong. He just doesn’t want anyone “upsetting” his mum but it’s fine to disrespect my parenting and go against my wishes

Fwiw I would have been pissed off aswell, I just can't understand why you have now posted about it twice. People agreed with you the last time, time to move on.

@drogosnextwife

I apologise I didn’t realise it would offend you so much. Remember it’s nice to be nice

I think you might have what is called a husband problem rather than a mil in law one. If I were you I would want mil to understand that you were gatekeeper to your baby and by going against you she was not going to get access to her dgc unless supervised by you or your husband. I would make it clear to your dh that by not supporting you in this he is undermining you and causing upset in his home. You, your baby and him are the main family, his mother has a role in the extended but its not as important.

I am in no way offended just don't know why you needed 2 threads about the same thing.

Remembering how quickly mine took to solid food I'm surprised you've not had a really crabby baby on your hands, getting something other than milk once or twice from her gran then only milk from you for early a full week until she's back with Gran. I feel my mil was similar, not taking things out my hands as such but disregarding what I'd ask. It came to a head when she let DD1 get sunburnt because I was being ott about something she'd not needed to use on her babies 30 years before. My dh backed me up though.
I suspect your MIL was fully aware she shouldn't have fed rusk, or any other solids to your DD, why else would she keep soiled clothing to clean herself? You are going to have to be very explicit with your instructions if you continue to let her look after your dd or she is going to do something else that goes against your wishes or current safety guidelines.

Still speak to her about it though. You need to find a way to move forward, and to ‘bottom it out’ with her would very likely do this. You can do this gently without confrontation.

Sorry it’s happened though, she sounds like a tit

She was wrong to do this without consulting with you and behind your back. I would be very cross.

Why are you posting again for about the same thing OP?

I said in your last thread that I think your DH knew what his mum did from day 1. You either find alternative childcare or look after your daughter yourself because no one is ever going to look after your little one as well as you expect them too.

Yes I’d be angry. My mil was desperate to feed my DS solids, but she asked me about it and respected my wishes to wait til 6 months (probably thought I was being ridiculous, and then was completely amazed when we did blw and DS would eat real food from the start, rather than puree).

Like you say, it’s not even what she fed the baby, it’s the sneaky way of going about it. Like what’s the point? Especially if she’s not going to tell you anyway for a few weeks.

My DM looked after my DS while I went to work. I got home one day and she told me that she'd bought some baby food and had given it to him that day. Inside I was very upset that she'd made the decision without asking me first but I put on a brave face and let it go.

I am afraid if you are relying on MIL to take on free childcare you have to accept she is going to think she has some ssy in what the child does, it’s how a lot of people think, she obviously feels she has a bit of control over your child and takes it upon herself to make decisions without your input. If you want to avoid this going forward, send your DD to nursery where they will do EXACTLY as you ask. You can’t havd your cake and eat it I am sorry to say.