Coping with crazy toddler and newborn

[EmW1987]

Hey,
DD is 2.4 and we have a 2 week old newborn. She’s very interested in him, but gets aggressive to him with no warning. I’m breastfeeding and that seems to be a real trigger for her to try and climb and then hit him. But other times she’ll come and stroke him, be nice and then with no warning grab him or hurt him. I’ve tried getting her to read a story to us/be involved with the feeding but that doesn’t work, she has a reward chart but that makes no difference, we’ve tried putting her in her cot when she’s been naughty but she just laughs. I completely understand it’s an adjustment for her and both DH and I are trying to make as much effort with her as we can. I get her to pick his clothes out etc and pick what activities we can do together but nothing seems to stop her. She’s always been free spirited but it’s to the point that I have to go and feed in another room so she can’t touch him, change him up high so she can’t throw things at him etc I just have no idea how to cope on my own.

I think this is relatively normal and I found it took up to 12 weeks to really settle (we’ve had a recent resurgence now that DD can sit up, grab things etc)

I approached it by not reacting to as much bad behaviour as possible (on the basis that negative attention is better than no attention if you’re 2!) and the red line was any hurting such was a firm ‘no’ and a short period (mins) of exclusion begind baby gate or cot etc.
I relied on a lot of CBeebies and treats during feeding sessions!! I’m sure there are more virtuous ways but it’s what I could manage.
Things that really helped:
giving tiny nappies etc so DS could have his own ‘baby’ to look after.
Giving him jobs to do to help (which it sounds like you’re doing)
Getting out of the house! Can you cope with bf in the park for example???
Using language that tied him and his sister together...’oh you two are ganging up on me’ ‘look at my two cheeky little children’ Etc. Easier once baby can at least smile!

It’s totally normal just try to hang in there!

When I had my youngest I had 3 under 4 it was tough but it passes I promise. I found giving the other 2 jobs really helped. So I'd ask them to fetch me nappies/wipes etc and when I started expressing they would give the baby a bottle every now and again. If someone asked about the baby I'd ask dc to tell them (just things like name/how many weeks etc). They loved being involved and called him their baby, they are still very protective of him and like to baby him, he's 18 Months now and adores his older brothers.
Keep going you are doing a fab job by the sound of it.

Thanks both. I’m glad it subsided for you, I’m struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s my first week on my own after DH has gone back to work and I’m too scared to go out with both of them as DD just wants to play up. Getting her dressed for nursery has resulted in tears, her wiping her toothbrush down my trousers, chasing her around the house - she’s just hell bent on making things difficult and I know it’s an attention thing but nothing seems to stop her!
I’ll try all your tips and hope it passes!

It’s really hard isn’t it, I have 3 under 4 so can relate to it!

You have to remember though that your 2 yo is still really little (even though she looks huge next to the baby!) and her whole world has just been turned upside down. So I would avoid doing anything that excludes her, like putting her in her cot, as she’s already feeling left out. When the baby is sleeping, ignore the housework and spend time giving all your attention to your 2yo. As for when you’re feeding, can you have some snacks ready for the toddler, or a small game that she likes - stickers are a good one with my 2yo or play dough. Or wrap up some tat, pass the parcel style so she’s occupied in opening it.

It will get easier. You’re doing a great job!

Also, the first week in your own is bound to be hard. I can understand that you’re reluctant to go out if the toddler is playing up. But I expect a change of scenery will help - it’s easy to get into a rut of her playing up if you’re in the house all the time whereas some fresh air will do you all good.

Wow how are you still sane with 3 under 4?!
My heart breaks for DD as she’s gone from having my complete attention to barely getting any attention. I’ve been so close to giving up breastfeeding so that DH can share feeds and enable me to feel like I can spend some quality time with DD, but then I’d no doubt feel guilty that I’m not breastfeeding DC2 like I did my daughter!

3 under 4 is tough but now they are a bit older (5,3,18months) they are so close... Most of the time. The Newborn stage woth an older sibling, especially a 2 year old is killer but it gets easier as they grow. I found as soon as they can interact with each other they entertained each other and it was Brill. If you need to talk feel free to pm me.