How “ strict” are you with your DC?

[Bunnylady53]

Parenting is the toughest job in the world. DD10 has increasingly complex needs whilst appearing to the outside world to be a “ normal” kid. The school are onboard to help but have no real conception of what we are dealing with at home. We have to be quite firm with her but equally feel we are failing her because despite advice from therapists etc, we often end up shouting at her ( me) or taking stuff off her ( DH). I am interested to know how everyone brings up their DC & how they discipline them ( not fond of that word tbh). Obviously it depends on the child & if they have had a diagnosis of anything. DD has attachment disorder, anxiety & possible sensory processing disorder. She is also one of the most stubborn argumentative people I have ever met! Incidentally, I love her more than life & really want to improve things 🙂

I always think it's not about being strict, it's about being fair and proportionate. Not say I sometimes don't lose it and snap, but I do usually try to be clear about what the problem is and try to get them to address it, rather than just yell.

I sometimes feel a bit lax in that I haven't made a massive thing of trying to get my kids to eat more tidily (they both eat quite messily) and some friends started their kids much younger on doing chores etc, but then each to their own.

I've been fortunate in that the kids are pretty good, although we are looking at getting DS (7) and ed psych assessment as he seems to have some specific issues with learning and also with paying attention and picking up some social skills.

Depends on how tired I am and how irritating they are...

I dont necessarily look at it as discipline, I think more in terms of boundaries. I think children feel more secure when they know what the boundaries are, and that the adults are prepared to enforce them. Inconsistency is confusing and unfair. On that basis yes I probably come across as strict to some people, but it works for us. I know there are times to cut a little slack (and I do), but the basic rules (we don't have many) I expect to be kept.

Dd has autism, I'm not at all strict with her because she would never break a rule and I think she needs nurturing as her anxiety levels are always high. With my NT dc my friends would say that I'm easygoing and laid back but not a pushover, my dc would say I'm pretty fair and listen to them.

I'm very strict. We have very clear rules at home and simple punishments when required eg loss of iPad time. I've only had to go full nuclear once. Incidentally my dd also has complex needs Autism, a rare syndrome, developmental delay, learning disability and specific learning difficulties none of these are excuses for bad behaviour as far as I'm concerned, and everyone always comments on how well behave my dd is even other parents at her special school. If I wasn't so strict her behaviour would be awful because she has an extremely controlling nature.

I'm really strict about certain things - table and social manners, bedtimes, mutual respect, privacy, raised voices. I expect them to try food that's been cooked for them, clean up after themselves and be decent human beings. I've told them since they were tiny that I'm not raising children, I'm raising adults.
I've taught them to stand up for themselves and other people and occasionally this has bitten me on the arse when they accuse me of being autocratic but I had a dreadful childhood and I wanted my children to have boundaries and be confident happy adults. They've always known me & DH had their physical/mental wellbeing 'backs' & that whilst we weren't perfect, we were doing our best.

I have high expectations about respecting others, cleaning up after themselves, bed times, meal times, hygiene blah blah blah and they know this.
But I grew up in a military family, oppressive, aggressive and violent repercussions for any misdemeanours.
I was frightened nearly all of the time.
This is not the life I want for my kids.
I discuss and talk to my kids and guide them.
I am firm but not my parents.

Are you getting specialist support to parent your DD? Parenting a child with attachment disorder is a different experience. The adoption board could be good place to to post as lots of the poster there will be parenting children with disordered attachment.

Yes we have support from the Adoption Agency & are currently receiving DDT ( I think as I always get the initials wrong lol).

Out of interest @MumUnderTheMoon how old is your dd & how much does your dd understand with you saying she has complex needs? What are your clear boundaries & simple punishments?

Ds has complex needs and doesn't do a thing he's told. He doesn't understand too much either which makes it hard bloody work!

Thanks x

Dd is 11 but I've been strict from the start. She has problems with receptive and expressive language but I don't actually think that has to get in the way. Eg when dd was small and sitting in the shopping trolley she would kick me. I'd tell her "kick mummy no shoes". Then if she kicked me again I'd take her shoes off and put them in the nappy bag. I actually think that the consequences aren't as important as consistency, I have never said no and changed it to yes so dd knows that what I say goes. This makes her a very secure kid because she knows that I mean what I say. If she acted out when we were out I'd say " mummy will take you home, no shouting" if she kept up I took her home no matter what I only had to do it twice. But I'd have kept going if I had to. The thing is that kids with additional needs are often more capable than their parents realise and it isn't uncommon for us to underestimate them and often they use it to get their own way.

Not strict at all, they describe me as a 'pushover' now they're older!
I have expectations of them and they are generally really well behaved. I'm hot when it comes to manners and how they treat others but this I've instilled by example, rather than by instructing them.
I don't ever shout and while I punish (eg confiscating gadgets) I don't fly off the handle like my own mum did!