I don't love my child

[Justme40]

I was the victim of domestic abuse and lost my child to my abusive ex who lives in another country. Child is almost 7. I have him for school holidays and I dread them. I don't like spending time with child, and he is bored and has made it clear to dad that he doesn't enjoy them either. Dad is insisting on me for holidays but I just don't want to. All child's mannerisms remind me of ex and the hell he put me through. I have nothing in common with child and all he wants to do is play on computers and watch TV, then complains to dad that we did nothing, but he refuses to do anything else or if we do just strops the whole time so everyone is miserable. I have tried to do everything to bond with him but nothing has worked and I'm becoming more and more resentful of the time i have to waste with him. It was better when he was younger but now I just hate pretty much every second and dread it. I try and try to make him happy but nothing works and I'm fed up with it. His dad has started emotionally abusing me again because of it.
I know I am a failure as a mother--I was I hospital for a very long time with pnd after he was born so we never bonded and the abuse started when I was in hospital.
My family all love this child but I feel nothing for him.
I am utterly lost and don't know what to do and have no one I can admit this to hence my writing on here

I’m so sorry for you. This must be hard to write. Have you thought about getting some counselling to work through everything you’re feeling here? That might help you take some decisions. X

I feel sorry for you. You clearly haven't had an easy time of it.

But to be honest, I feel more sorry for your child. He's only 6. He is not his father.

I think the pp is right, you need to start addressing this with a medical professional.

I really feel for you and wonder if somethingbcould help you address it.

However I never felt wanted as a kid and that felt awful, the poor child. Is his dad abusive to him? Are social services involve d . I desperately wished I had one loving parent.

7 is so young, and he really needs positive love. You say your famiky love him - could they take him in or help more?

So admitting this is a first step. But like it or not you are a parent so you have to now take action and do something about it. You have a role in shaping the behaviour of your child. It is almost like your child has become your ex. Hes not. He’s 6 years old! Seek help. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and take the game / tv away. He will strop at first and then he wont when he realises the other thing is fun too. You can give him a treat when his behaviour is good of half hour in the game. Its just firm parenting. It works. He will strop but that’s ok!

Do you have him for all the school holidays, so 12+ weeks per year? If so you can really parent and help him develop in to his own person - not his dad's person - in the time.

Stop trying to make him happy and start parenting him. As he's 6 nearly 7 he really can't call all the shots - you decide that you're going out or baking or whatever, he doesn't decide that he's playing computer all day.

Taking charge and calmly enforcing time actively together may help you like him - trying to passify him won't.

You only having all the holidays sounds hard though, do you feel like free childcare with no parenting input? Does it mean you can't work? Is your ex trying to control you this way?

Actively parenting may help you feel more in control.