Struggling with bonding

[Candycats]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post on MN so hope I’m posting in the right place! I had my first gorgeous healthy baby boy 3 weeks ago. Had a pretty perfect pregnancy but had a bit of a rough time delivering him and in recovery - emergency forceps delivery with an episiotomy and a tear which got infected and has left me in pretty much constant pain since. The delivery didn’t feel traumatic at the time but looking back I guess it was quite scary as everything happened so quickly. I’m now finally starting to feel better but I’m really struggling as I haven’t felt that ‘overwhelming’ motherly love that everyone says you feel. I love my son a lot and enjoy spending time with him, but I feel like I’m looking after someone else’s baby. I know it sounds crazy and it really hurts to even write that. I feel like I’m failing him and I just want to give him the love he deserves. My husband has been amazing throughout and has bonded with him really well, which just makes me feel even more guilty. I’m really worried it could be PND but I don’t feel sad all the time - I cry sometimes when I feel like I’m letting him down but I still feel happy otherwise so don’t know if it is? Really hoping that now I feel better in myself that we can start properly bonding but I’m terrified it won’t happen. Guess I’m just looking for a bit of support really from other mums as none of my friends have babies.

Thank you and apologies for the long post!

Xx

I felt like this too but I did need mental health support. Pop along and see your GP and speak to your HV.

I found wearing DD in a sling amazing for bonding and baby masssge crap for it.

I also felt pretty disconnected most of the time, but it was interspersed with moments of intense love. All very confusing.

I also had PND.

The main thing is don't feel guilty. Lots of people don't bond immediately or feel that rush of love. It can be a chicken and Eddie situation where the guilt about not loving him enough creates a problem with bonding.

It will come in time. He doesn't know. He's gauging how much you love him on your actions...you hug him and feed him and comfort him and change his nappy and burp him and do everything for him!! He knows you love him!

Do go to your GP or talk to your HV about PND though. It can't hurt just to have a conversation.

If the birth was traumatic, has anyone suggested that you get in touch with birth trauma uk?

Birth trauma is known to affect bonding so don't feel guilty but do seek support as pp have suggested.

apni are another great organisation. Their helpline is open from 10 am to 2 pm and is staffed by women who've all experienced post natal illness.

When I held my first baby for the first time my overwhelming thought was - you aren't my baby. Firstly it was a boy and I was convt I was having a girl. Secondly he looked nothing like I'd imagined my babies to look. We got there though. I'm not gushy so don't do 'overwhelming' emotions!! I have 3 kids and love them all and would do anything for them. But I never felt a massive gush for any of them. At least by baby 3 I knew what to expect he would look like! Keep doing what you are doing. Don't overthink this. Don't measure yourself by your partner. - if it gets to a point where when he's crying you don't want to look after him then I would start suspecting something more.

I also remember being jealous of baby in the early days because DH loved her so much. He told me later that at first he didn’t even like her never mind love her. Perception is not always reality.

Be patient & gentle with yourself. Love doesn't always rush in after the birth of a baby and what you are feeling isn't unusual. I felt numb and shocked for ages after my first was born - didn't feel much at all - but that changes. Lots of skin to skin cuddling, resting together, looking into your baby's eyes and soothing music helps! If you think you have pnd, do go to your gp - they will help you and it will pass. You are doing great x

Thank you so much for your replies everyone, you've all helped a lot. I've felt a lot better over this past week, spent a lot more one-on-one time with DS as DH has gone back to work so think this has helped.

Ps sorry for the late reply, only just worked out how to reply

Xx