6 months in and feeling like it’s all gone to shit

[birdybirdbird]

Apologies in advance as I think this will long and rambling...
DS is very nearly 6 months old and I feel like everything has gone to shit. We had a REALLY rough start. I think I was well on my way to PND and dragged myself out of it. Everything was great for a while and LO has been a joy but the last few weeks have been horrendous. Actually, I’m not even sure they have been compared to some babies, but I just feel like I’m doing a terrible job and if I’m honest, I kind of hate being at home. I think it’s just that the bad moments really really get to me and push out all memory of anything good
I was very badly parented - single mum with mental health issues, borderline neglect and emotional abuse. For a long time I questioned whether I’d be capable of parenting. I find it very hard to be relied on (I had to look after her a lot), like to stick my head in the sand and pretend bad things aren’t happening and just want to run away when things get hard.
LO is currently teething (I think) and also suffers with the worst trapped farts at night time. His sleep has gone to shit and just wants me to feed him back to sleep every 90 minutes. He’s so clingy but equally doesn’t want to be picked up, laid down, carried. I just don’t know what he wants most of the time or how to get him to stop whinging. I just can’t bear listening to the whinging. I’m so desperate to do a great job after my own shit show of a childhood and I just can’t cope when things go wrong.
I just feel like I’m drowning under the pressure. It’s build and builds and I just melt down. I’ve spent far too much time asking ‘what the fuck do you want?!’ through gritted teeth and then feeling awful about myself. I hate thinking back to when he was a newborn. I have no good memories at all and get so worried that I’ve damaged him by being such a mess.
My DH has been great. He had some shared parental leave with me at the start and very much does his fair share. I think though he’s starting to struggle at work because he’s having to take on too much because I’m finding it all so hard and overwhelming. The other week he had to come home at short notice because I just couldn’t cope. I basically walked out of the house the second he got in saying I couldn’t do it anymore. I honestly thought about leaving him because that would mean I’d at least get some time away. Obviously I don’t have any reliable family to even have a supportive phone call with, let alone to help out. His family are great but all very far away. I don’t have any friends with kids and even if I did I can’t admit any of this in real life. Being seen to ‘cope’ and be good at things is very important to me.
I don’t really know what I’m asking for with this thread. I just really needed to get it all out. I don’t think I have PND, I’m ok quite a lot of the time, I think it’s just poor coping mechanisms from all my baggage.

I could've written this myself 4 years ago. Crappy childhood, fear of being a bad mum, and absolutely detesting being at home all day, every day stretching on forever. I have had two more since, but the hardest tine of all was being where you are now! At 6 months, my first wanted to be into everything and did not stop whinging/ crying. He just wasnt good at being a baby! With every new thing he could do, he got a little bit happier. Soon your LO will be crawling, then walking, and things will get more interesting. I am not a baby person at all, and it nearly drove me crazy, I cant lie. I often used to count the hours till my oh got in from work and I could pass him over and have a cry or bit of alone time to regain some sanity. It will get easier, I promise. Hang onto that. Whenever you feel like its too much, just hang in there and use the old mantra, this too shall pass. My first is now 4 and so much fun and actual good company!! Sure someone will be along with some practical ideas to help you through each day, but I just wanted to let you know you will get through each day, youre doing a great job and it will get easier. The fact you worry about being a good mum and giving your child a loving upbringing means that is very much what will happen. 6 month olds are just often hard to live with, nothing wrong with admitting that. Doesnt mean you dont love them immensely and are doing a great job with them. Babies are hard! Especially with mininal support. Youre doing great. Hope this helps a bit

Sounds like you're having a really tough time of it. I'd say it's worth speaking to your GP or HV about this as it sounds like you're struggling to cope and they might be able to offer help.

How much time do you get to yourself? Can you speak to your husband about this so you can plan in some time away so maybe you can avoid it hitting a point where he needs to rush back to help.

@Notashandyta thank you for your post, it’s good to hear from someone that’s come out the other side! I’m also not a baby person. Realised the other day that in all my previous thoughts about ‘should I have kids?’ I pictured myself with a child, never a baby!
@ Wallsbangers My DH is very aware and he’s been great. I’ve actually got a whole day off this weekend to do something with a friend. But yes maybe a need a regular slot to help decompress.
I’m not that sure what my HV or GP could do. I’ve been in therapy and am very aware of my issues and what is triggering these feelings. I am fine a lot of the time so it’s not a case for medication either. I just seem to go from 0-60 very quickly and out of the blue find myself in a bit of a crisis.

Im a primary school teacher so thought I'd find it a piece of cake! Couldn't have been further from the truth, sadly. One baby is far harder than a class of ten year olds! So hang in there, for us non baby types, this is the hard bit... good really, the actual child part lasts much longer So, for the next few months, lots of and you'll habe a toddler before you know it

Are you me? Almost identical background and almost identical timeline - 6 months plus was sheer hell. But IT. GETS. BETTER. I promise. The most important advice I can give you (which I didn’t follow myself, at the total cost of my mental health - I was almost suicidal at one point) is do what’s best for YOU. And best for baby will follow. So if that means gentle sleep training - do it. If it means partial/full night weaning or even mixed feeding, do it. If it means co-sleeping - do it. Whatever works for YOU. What your DS needs is you feeling as well as you can. And also, babies are shit. Really really shit. However toddlers can be an ABSOLUTE joy. 16 months onwards DD has been a total delight (funnily enough when she started sleeping...) and continues to be so at 2 and a half. You can do this!

Can you put him in nursery one day a week to have a day to yourself?

I also could have written your post 4 yrs ago. Some parts are very very similar.

Especially the crap parenting that I had to endure. I also couldn't bare the constant crying and whinging. All I can say from my own perspective, is that the periods of 'good' do tend to increase.

Don't get me wrong, I still find it all unfathomably hard and want to run away at times, but things are on a bit more of an even keel.

I constantly question whether I should have become a parent, but I did, so now I need to power through and try to be the best I can be.

to you OP. You're not alone.

@Notashandyta I’m also a teacher! I just feel like I should know this stuff
@NuffingChora and @DuffBeer thank you for your posts. It really does help to hear about people that have been in a similar place and are starting to come out the other side.
@TigerQuoll he’s all signed up for when I go back to work but the nurseries around here are largely full. Thinking about maybe trying to build a relationship with a childminder though to hopefully get a few hours here and there.