Tandem feeding - no support

[Arevena]

Hello! It’s 4:30 am and I am at my wits ends.

I have a 2.5yo ds, who has always loved to be breastfed. He persevered throughout my pregnancy and now that his little sister is here, he’s delighted with the sudden milk supply.
I’ve always had this idea I wanted to tandem feed. My dh suffers from OCD and if he doesn’t get enough sleep, he ends up with morbid thoughtS and risks running into depression (happened twice in his life), so nights are on me. Breastfeeding is my tool to keep peace and happiness, to nurture, to put children to sleep, and to have a bit of time for myself, too, when everyone is having a quiet boobie time on the sofa. I’ve always loved breastfeeding, although it can be tough at times. One could do with some support sometimes, but all I’ve been getting is agro from my husband, who has also been told time and time again by his mother that what I’m doing is selfish and wrong. Then it doesn’t help dh asks every woman he meets on her opinion (also worth mentioning is the fact I’m a SAHM, dh meets full time working career mums, with very different lives). And now to add salt to the wounds, my mum has started getting on my case, and making me feel guilty about not giving all of my attention to the newborn dd. She’s now 5 weeks old and there has been no sibling rivalry so far. Quite the opposite- my ds has been very loving and caring towards her and increased his levels of affection towards everyone.
So to get to the point- I’ve been standing my ground and just getting on with feeding them both, no quibbles. But since my last disagreement with dh, finding out his mum had a go at him for not putting his foot down, and now my mum having a go at me, I’ve started getting conscious of bf my ds and tandem feeding and he has picked up on it and asks for boobie 100x more all of a sudden. And I keep refusing for no good reason which upsets him, makes me upset and just creates such negative environment. I almost wish I was on my own so I can just nurture my children without getting stressed.
Please, I need some encouragement, some support, or i feel I am going to break. I’m just trying to keep my husband well slept and my children nurtured, which nurtures me, too.
Btw- I have anaemia so it’s not helping with energy levels etc.
Apologies for the length of this post!!

What did your mum mean when she said you should be giving all your attention to the baby?? Is she expecting you to drop poor DS like a hot stone? It's your choice to breastfeed op and no one should be pressuring you. It sounds like you lack a support network and the people around you are quite toxic.

Does DS go to nursery? Regardless I'd start putting pressure on both mums to help rather than cluck around. Ask them to do some housework whilst you feed, you've got a new baby and a toddler for ffs and/or ask them to take ds out.

Your husband shouldn't get a completely free pass. Fair enough he doesn't do nights (no judgement, my DH refused because apparently his MH is super important but mine isn't), but I've told him he therefore needs to contribute in other ways.

This sounds super stressful, I am sorry. Basically bf or tandem feeding only concerns those in the feeding relationship: you and your kids. My advice would be to go to a la leche league meeting, ask for advice on how to handle your dh, mil and dm. There is so much misinformation on extended bf out there, particularly during pregnancy and beyond. I decided to simply not tell anyone that I was still bfing when pregnant. DC1 weaned himself when he was 3 and his little brother was 2 months old, though he has asked to nurse once a month since then ( he has actually forgotten how to do it, so it’s all about closeness and dealing with the arrival of his db).

Definitely get along to LLL if you have one close by. If there's no group, I'd phone your local LLL leader or their helpline.

Can I ask if DC1 feeds overnight?

Did your DH want a newborn and accept that means broken sleep for everyone for a while?

From someone that stopped bf at 6 months (ds now 2.5) and have questioned friends still feeding toddlers (more inquisitive rather than critical) so by all means not a 'everyone should breastfeed for as long as possible' person I would say 100% keep doing what you are doing for now! Surely having a new baby on your lives isn't the time to cut your son off from his comfort. If its working for you then thats all that matters, just ignore them. I would worry if he is actually getting more milk it would effect his food intake so maybe you could encourage the others to distract ds with activities and trips out to keep them all busy so you and dd can have some peace!

Thank you so much for your support, I feel like after reading your responses I have my confidence in what I believe in back!

@blackcat86 DC1 goes to nursery for a couple of mornings a week, which is amazing. My MiL tries to help, but has a lot in her life atm, so she’s struggling to have DC1 for afternoons, etc, but she offers most times to pick him up from nursery and drop off home. Today I’ve asked DM to help more with the house stuff, so I can sit and feed both my little ones. DH is helpful with other things which I think makes him think he has the right to tell me what to do. He too doesn’t think my sleep is that important - I prefer co-sleeping and breastfeeding so I can get as much sleep as poss, but he would happily have me getting up from our bed (making sure I catch the baby noises fast enough so the baby monitor doesn’t wake him up), feed them and then go back to sleep. And then magically “catch up” on my sleep during the day. Because I “don’t work”. The only person really supporting what I do is my sister, who love in another part of UK.

@JiltedJohnsJulie DC1 wakes up either once in the night or early in the morning to feed. He comes to the adjacent bedroom where I stay with the DC2 and I boob him to sleep.

DH did want another baby, but I think he was being completely naive about how he can handle broken nights. He had a couple of broken nights when I was in labour, stayed in hospital the following night and when I had to spend 3 nights in hospital with DC2 due to suspicion of meningitis. In total he had 3 broken nights due to the breastfeeding my toddler to sleep situation. And being seen so broken and exhausted by his mum made her angry at me for being so selfish and breastfeed.

@verybookish- LLL - I will check it out. And you are so right- this should be only between me and my children. This is strangely enough what my DM used to say!

@WilsonandNoodles DC1 is definitely eating a lot less now, that he has the breast milk!
But you’re right- it’s definitely not the time to cut him off- I believe it would cause sibling rivalry. At the moment all I have to worry about is that he will wake DC2 up with the constant kissing. Not on top of my “worry” list :)

Thank you so much ladies, I feel I am much more calm, back on track and I will carry on as I believe is best for my family. Xxxx

I think your DH needs to have your back. If you want to BF and he understands why, he needs to politely tell his DM that you're doing what you've both agreed is the best for your baby.