Am I right to feel upset by the way I was spoken to?

[PistachioQueen]

I’m in the process of divorcing my husband, whose mental illness appears to be getting worse by the day. At one point he phoned me up at work, screaming and demanding to take our daughter for the day. I wouldn’t have minded, had he given me more notice and besides which, he sometimes flies into a rage and threatens to take our daughter and leave the country. I’m sure these are all just random threats, usually planned to try and upset me (emotional abuse has been his speciality throughout our marriage), but frightening nonetheless. I explained that she was at pre-school, which he didn’t seem to care about. Panicked, I called the school to inform them of the situation and before I knew it, I was being dragged in to see the safeguarding officer. I was not given any prior notice of this, which I’m sure had this been a work situation, I’d have been given a date and time and offered the option of bringing a chaperone/union rep.

The safeguarding officer explained that as we are still married, the school has to legally allow him to collect our daughter, should he appear when I am not there. She asked me if I thought there was a risk of him harming our daughter, which I stated quite honestly that I did not, as he is incredibly manipulative and prides himself on not leaving any “evidence” as he constantly reminds me. She said that the teacher was concerned about some of the things I’d said about him, which I briefly explained before being asked “is there anyone on his side of the family that could corroborate your story?” Long story short, I left this meeting feeling hurt, insulted and as if I was the one at wrong. I called the headteacher and burst into tears while pointing out that, even had my husband been hitting me throughout our marriage, it was inevitable that none of his family members would admit to a third party that this had been the case. The headteacher insisted that the safeguarding officer would not have meant to offend me in asking such a question but I am still reeling from this, weeks later and am now considering pulling our daughter from the school. I just wanted to get some external opinions on this. I can appreciate that the school want to ensure that our daughter is safe, however was it right for me to be dragged in when collecting her, rather than be invited to a scheduled appointment? The safeguarding officer is also a teacher who could be my daughter’s class teacher next year and I now feel awkward being around that person. My daughter is very happy at the school and other than this, I have not had many problems with the school, so don’t want to pull her out because I have “beef” with a member of staff!

What did you actually tell them about your ex though?

You rang them panicked and were seen straight away and you are now I think transferring your anger. Emergency safeguarding can’t be scheduled

Of course they wanted to see you straight away...we're taking about the safeguarding of a child ffs!

I think it’s okay that they spoke to you at the first opportunity but it does sound as if the safeguarding lead somewhat over stepped be mark. Were they advising you on how to get support from other authorities? I can’t imagjne why a school safeguarding officer would need to ask collaboration details. There duty & skills are in spitting issues of concern and processing them appropriately.

If you feel they didn’t then perhaps speak to the governor who has responsibility for safeguarding.

Presumably they explained that it’s nothing to do with you being married or not but who has parental responsibility. If they phrased it differently then surely this was misinformation as well.

I don’t think I’d move my dc but I would purse my concerns about the schools understanding of the position.

As others have said though perhaps reflect. I’d be a bit impressed if I’m honest if I got spoken to on the day of raising an issue at my dc’s school so a possible interpretation is that they actually took you appropriately seriously.

I called in a panic about my ex collecting our child and the school said it was fine. The headteacher agreed that as they’d never seen her dad at the school, they wouldn’t be likely to hand her over anyway. I wasn’t the one to pick her up that day as I was at work, but the next time I was in, was asked to come in “for a chat” which ended up being with the safeguarding officer who I felt was a bit harsh when she asked me for someone on my husband’s side to “corroborate your story.” I’d expect to be told “the safeguarding officer would like to speak to you this afternoon” for example as I felt slightly ambushed.

The SO asked if I thought my daughter was at risk of being hurt and I explained that I didn’t think he would hurt our child, however I was of course worried as he often makes threats with regards to how much money he has, the most popular one recently being that he could take our daughter abroad and I’d never see her again. I said that he was more manipulative/emotionally abusive than violent and this is when she asked if anyone on his side of the family could confirm what I was saying. I asked the headteacher what the reason for this was and was reassured that the SO probably didn’t mean it to sound that way, however I haven’t heard back from the headteacher since.

The safeguarding officer did offer to give me a phone number for a local counsellor, but I explained that I already have access to that kind of support.

As I’ve said, I can appreciate the need to ensure that a child in their care is safe. I just feel that safeguarding officers ought to be trained to deal with issues of a sensitive nature as I left the meeting feeling more insulted than anything. If my husband had been hitting me/our child and she’d have said “can anyone on his side of the family corroborate your story?” That could’ve sent me over the edge. I suppose part of this is me feeling that I have enough to deal with when the abuse is relentless (he uses our child as an excuse to meet/speak and then the insults and abuse start up again) and to be spoken to that way really got to me as I felt that I was being interrogated over a crime, as opposed to a mother who is asking the school for support.

The school has been really slack with things like hygiene, reporting incidents and have lied about a few minor things on occasion, but as my daughter appears to be happy and thriving there, I have let these things go. It is a private school, however so I often wonder what I’m paying for, hence me questioning if I should move her now as I would need to give notice by Easter.

They may have been a bit insensitive but it sounds like they have done every thing they need to keep your child safe.

Do you think your DH is a risk to your child?

The safeguarding lead is there to safeguard your child. It sounds like they followed all the correct procedures to me.

No, you didn't like being spoken to without warning, but the school needed to know exactly what the situation was.

By all means, consider moving your child for other concerns, but I think you'll find that any school would act in the same way.

Please also be aware that safeguarding information on your child will be handed over to the next setting they attend.

It's normal for safeguarding officers to ask for corroboration from the former inlaws of a parent? That sounds a bit, odd, and unprofessional.

Thanks for your responses. My main issue has been feeling upset by the way I was spoken to and wondering if safeguarding officers are trained to request corroboration from the former in-laws of a parent. As SaskiaRembrandt noted, that part does seem rather odd. I just don’t know where that came from. I’m aware that the details would be passed onto a new school, which is fine. I would just expect not to be spoken to like I am a convict under arrest or interrogation!

As for my soon to be ex-husband, I don’t think that he would physically hurt our daughter. I do worry that he could damage her psychologically, but then again, perhaps his abuse is only limited to his spouses (he was married before, but that’s another story). He hasn’t spent enough time with her around me for me to be able to honestly say. In fact, there’s been all this worry about him taking her and running away when in fact he’s just made lame excuses to cancel seeing her every time for the last few weeks!