Husband getting stricter with 9 year old daughter

[Becktoria]

Hi, this is my first ever post!

We live in Germany and my husband is German. He can be quite controlling and was brought up by a very controlling father. Our daughter is 9 and a pretty good girl. We rarely have any dramas with her, she's honest and kind.

I'll start by saying he does a lot of really great things with her: building a tree house with her, cooks with her, takes her swimming, takes her to football etc... But recently he's become more dominant and disciplinary with her. He refers to 'bloody hippy parenting' a lot and critisises how soft I am with her. She has trouble sleeping alone and has some anxieties about doors being closed and thinking there's people in her room. So I sleep with her (don't judge me!). He calls her weak and has no empathy for her fears, he thinks she needs toughening up. He's getting more strict at dinner times (pulling her elbow up every time it rests on the table for example).
Just now, he closed the bathroom door while she was in the bath because she's listening to an audio book in there (he found it too loud). He was on his way out anyway, the noise didn't bother me. She opened it again and said she didn't like the door being closed. I told him he should respect that and as he's going out anyway why should it bother him that the bathroom door is open. He went out of the flat mumbling 'it's always what she wants...'. He does this a lot. He could've asked if he could close the door because it was too loud, but no.
Am I being an unreasonably soft hippy parent? Is he being reasonable to make it clear there's a hierarchy in the family?
I worry that he's going to be like his dad was to him when he was a teenager. My husband has told me that as soon as he started having his own opinions, their relationship broke down because his dad lost his power. I feel history is starting to repeat itself and I don't think he can see it.
Thanks for listening!

My youngest could not fall asleep unless I was in his bed. He had a set routine. I had to stay until he fell asleep. If he woke up in the night, which was most nights, he’d come and get me. He was the only one of my children who did this. Then, it suddenly stopped when he was around 11. He never woke me again and doesn’t remember that he used to wake me in the night. I used to be so tired but my sense was he needed me.

My husband also would never have slept with him and didn’t want me to get up with him but he got over it. My son is now grown and very independent.

German here with a German DH - 2 children.
You DH's way of parenting is not optimal, but neither is yours.
Talk to your paediatrician - they can point you to parenting courses.

Table manners need to be taught from an early age (in your case the differences need to be taught, too)
Noise of any kind should not be inflicted on other people.
If there are no special needs she should be sleeping alone in her own bed.
Nakedness - really is not seen as it is in the UK / GB / USA ... (if MN is representative) - no need for closing the door but to keep the warmth in.

Your daughter had a shock coming home and that explains her anxiety about being alone coming back or alone in the house. I think time will ease it.

Maybe try to talk about what happened in a positive sense. She coped, she got through it, it's scared her but unfortunately some people live very different lives to us. Would counselling on this help, and coping strategies for emergencies like first aid training. Not that she sold of helped in that situation but did she know to call the police etc?

I expect your DH thinks she should of got over it. And I used to prefer the door open when younger, fear of missing out, but as she gets a bit older this will change anyway, she will want more privacy naturally.

The bed thing, I do this with my son ( although you get) and I leave once he's asleep. If he calls me I go into his bed. Then I leave again. I always say call me and I'll come. I think you're doing fine.

Becktoria I live in Germany and have a German husband too - he's actually probably better with DD (13) than I am though - they enjoy a lot of the same TV and music and sometimes due to that and the fact they are both native speaker fluent in German but also speak perfect English they'll see a joke I don't and laugh at things together and then I have to ask them to explain

However he is harder on the kids in some areas, especially waking in the night, not being able to sleep, or being babyish.

German parenting is actually quite permissive but simultaneously children are expected to take more responsibility for themselves and more is expected of them younger. More rights, more freedom but more responsibility too... Most of the time it works well imo but sometimes a counterbalance is needed IMO!

I'd talk to him about turning into his father, though I'd also address the sleeping arrangements which sound like a death knoll for a marriage long term.

My nearly 8 and 11 year old both have phases of not liking to sleep alone but get on well and are both happy to just have the other sleep in their room. 8 year old wants to officially permanently share with his brother but 11 year old understandably still wants his own private room despite being happy to sleep in with his brother or vice versa. I think a preference for not sleeping alone is still within the normal range at 9, it's just that for many families it's no problem at all if siblings want to (or sometimes have to anyway due to space) share with one another. DD used to go and sleep in with her brothers too in the holidays until a couple of years ago!

I can't speak for German parenting - I have no idea.

But it seems to me that being kind to your child is a good idea, wherever you live, and at present your DH is not being kind. Your DD might have to do as he says, but does he want her to remember him as the unkind father who made her sleep alone, told her to toughen up when she was scared etc?