lost it - need advice

[confused39]

I'm a regular poster here but have changed my name for what will be obvious reasons.

Earlier this evening, I smacked my 5 year old dd. I have never done this before. It was not a controlled smack. It was done out of my anger. As soon as I did my dd burst into tears and I went almost into shock. I have always said I would never, ever smack her and I did, I smacked her hand. I feel so bad, I am ashamed of myself.

TBH this has been building up for some months. I have felt myself losing my temper with her and shouting at her which is of course wrong and is verbal abuse. And all that it has done is cause my dd to over-react as well. I am appalled at what I have done tonight. It is exactly what my parents would have done, as I used to get hit a lot, and I always promised myself I would be a better person but it looks like I'm not. I'm exactly the same.

I also don't know if I have crossed some invisible line - will I smack her again? At this point in time I want to think I won't - but I thought I would never hit her in the first place.

As soon as I smacked my dd, I apologised. She was so upset. A little while later she told me that she had been looking out of the window and had seen an adult hit a child. She said that no-one would ever do that if they loved that person. Of course I am sure she made that up, but I didn't know what to say.

I can't tell my dh, I think he would take my dd and leave. He was physically abused as a child and can not bear the thought of a child being hit.

I don't know what to do. I guess I am posting for advice from people who have been in a similar situation to me and have found a way to get through it. I don't particularly care if I get abused for what I have done - believe me nothing can make me feel much worse.

Hi confused39. Not been in a similar situation to you but just wanted to post my sympathies. I was smacked at various points in anger by my mum. Oddly enough it was only when I was older (senior school age) that I think I really resented it. I don't remember feeling it was particularly unfair or upsetting at a 5 year old age. TBH I don't think losing your temper and a minor smack to the hand is that big a thing - there is a huge difference between a slap to the hand and a blow to the head for example. It's not the best thing to do, but I don't think it's the end of the world. I think the problem isn't so much the smack - as the fact that you have "issues" with the way your parents treated you, and sound generally stressed at the moment. Do you get enough of a chance to have a break from your DD? Is life in general getting you down atm? I don't know how your husband would react- but I bet that neither his nor your parents after the first smack ever sat down and felt riven with guilt by it, whilst you are - that is the huge difference between you and your parents.

Take care, and hope someone with more relevant experience is on soon.

Hi. I was in exactly the same position last week. I HATE smacking children and always consider myself to be well enough in control not to resort to violence but I lost it for a couple of moments last week and did smack ds on his bum. He had been playing up and was biting my arm really hard (it is still bruised). My knee-jerk reaction was to smack and I did, not particularly hard but enough to make him stop. He looked at me in shock, cried for a moment and then carried on doing whatever he was doing before. I felt just like you do now and kept asking for dh to reassure me I hadnt done any lasting damage. I also made sure I apologised to ds and told him I had been wrong to hit him. He apologised for biting and that was the end of it. Although I worried all night, it was forgotten by next morning but I do know that the smack made me feel so bad, I wont do it again.

Pls dont feel bad,it will look better tomorrow and we are none of perfect all the time, even Mothers can make mistakes.

You are not the first and wont be the last. I think you'd be hard pushed to find another parent who hasnt been in your situation ie smacked in anger.

It doesnt make you a bad parent just a human one.

It doesnt mean you will do it again. It has given you a chance to reflect on why you did it. My dad had an awful temper and I find myself 12 years after I saw him last getting angry with ds (8) and overreacting.
I tell myself why I'm doing it ie I saw this example when I was growing up and that I must break the cycle.

You are a better person because you know you've done something wrong. My father never thought he had a problem but I know I do and so have learned to deal with it.

Your daughter will soon forgive you and be annoyed at you for something else!

When I feel angry with ds I leave the room or shout in my head and get the anger out that way. He rarely has a clue what's going on.

(((hugs)))

Personally I think you shoulod tell your DH as your DD might tell him and it will be better coming from you.

So far as the actual hitting goes, I don't know what the triggers were but given how badly you feel it seems doubtful you would do it again. You have both learnt something today; Mummy is human and makes mistakes.

I was wondering if there was a reason for things building up lately? Maybe if you address that you will limit the likliehood you would smack her again???

Thank you everyone for your replies. They have been helpful - it is useful to know that I am not the only person who has done this.

I have been thinking of coping strategies today. I think the problem partly is my treating dd as far more grown up than she is. We end up arguing like a couple of teenagers, when I should be assuming the parenting role.

I am very stressed at the moment. I didn't want to post it originally because it sounds like an excuse. A few days ago I discovered that my husband of 10 years has joined some internet dating agencies and is emailing women telling them he is "single, with a five year old daughter from a previous relationship". I don't know what to do about it and haven't been sleeping and have been worrying about it.

Anyway thank you again.

Confused - please, please don't beat yourself up. No, you have npt 'crossed a line' - you are exactly the same caring Mum that you have always been, and your daughter will not love you less because you smacked her once - any more than you love her less when she drives you potty!

And another thing - quite aside from the other situation with your DH, he can't rationally judge you and equate one smack on the hand with the abuse he suffered any more than the son of an alchoholic needs to panic if his DP has a glass of wine.

But what is happening in your relationship? This is a terrible thing for you to be dealing with, and it is a powerful explanation as to why you would be extremely stressed, and 'losing it' all over the place. Have you challenged your dh about it? How are you?

(P.S - and my DS, 3, spun me a terrible sob story the other day after we had a to-do about him running out of the gate, about how I would get cross and 'throw me over the fence into the park and it will be evening and the police will lock the gate and tie it up with a rope, and an owl will fly down and rescue me and put me in my bed and look after me'. I think getting highly dramatic and imaginitive about emotional situations is a way they 'experiment' in their mind and learn about it all)

Confused, firstly, I'm so sorry you're going through what is obviously a horrible time for you in your relationship. Secondly, I think you should lighten up about the whole smacking scenario. People seem to get really exercised these days over whether it's OK to smack a child or not. Clearly, it's always better to find another way to show a child why their behaviour is unacceptable, but everyone loses their temper from time to time, and I really don't think that the occasional smack is teaching your child that violence is the answer.

I can understand that since both you and your DH had bad experiences with smacking (or worse) as children, you are strongly opposed to it. So I'm assuming that your DD reacted the way she did more from the surprise than any real pain or emotional distress. Just because you've lost your temper (during a very stressful time for you), it doesn't mean you will do it again.

If it sets your mind at rest at all, my parents smacked me sometimes as a child (for serious infringements), and as I recall things, I always understood that that was the last resort. I certainly don't feel that it was ever inappropriate, and am now incredibly close to both my parents. I was more afraid of my maths teacher, who used to rap my knuckles with a ruler for getting sums wrong!

The other day was the first time I smacked my DS (aged 2.5) hard - he was running around the edge of a pool after repeatedly being told not to - and I was very upset afterwards, but would do the same thing again, as it was the only thing that stopped him doing it. I explained a while later that Mummy was very sad when she smacked him but she had to because he wouldn;t listen to her and he could have had a nasty accident, and that I was sorry. He just said he was sorry too and he loved me.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds as though the smack was more a release of other tensions in your life than anything else. What is your DH doing on internet dating sites? Have you confronted him? Seems v unfair that you should be beating yourself up about your parenting skills while he's touting about for extra-curricular activity

Oh confused, you poor thing. Of course smacking isn't good, but please, please, forgive yourself one lapse. Heavens, if thats the only parenting blip you ever make, you will be about 200 up on me - todays being paying so little attention to what 10m old DS2 was doing, he tucked into the dog biscuits... - and whats more, I thought it was rather funny. Now I am not putting this incident into the same category, BUT it happened because I wasn't watching him properly - it could have been something worse. We ALL make mistakes, and we ALL do things regarding our children that we wish we hadn't - you need to forgive yourself this and move on

The thing you need to address is what the hell does your husband think he is playing at - take your dd and leave YOU? Huh, he'll be lucky if you keep HIM. Okay, he may not be out having wild sex with 18 year olds but if my DH went online dating as such, I would be feeding his balls to the dog

Talk to your husband about why he has done that - you might feel better in your relationship with your dd then

HTH, lots of hugs to you

Lisa
xxx

Oh confused- sounds like things are v tough at the moment. Poor, poor you. I'm sorry you're upset about smacking your dd but I totally agree with the others- she really will forgive you and take no lasting damage from this one lapse, I am sure. I can empathise a bit because I am certain that if I ever hit one of my sons it will be just like that- other pressures and their behaviour will collide to drive me to distraction. I've come very, very close when stressed, believe me, and I'm sure that many other people have too. Although one part of me knows very strongly that smacking is not the end of the world, I can imagine that I'd be very upset too.

I'm unsurprised that this has happened now though, in the light of your later post. What a horrid thing to discover. What is your dh playing at? Is there any way you can talk to him about the internet sites? Quite honestly, that seems a much more pressing concern than admitting to a smacking lapse to me. Hope you will be able to find a way to confront him on this. Hugs.

Confused - so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I have always been v. anti-smacking but when dd was about 3 I jost lost it with her one evening and smacked her on the bum (not hard). I was completely mortified and apologetic. She was shocked, and cried, but, of course, forgave me and (I'm assuming) has no recollection of it. I have NEVER so much as raised a finger to her since so please don't think that you have "crossed a line" - I am sure this will be a one off, just as it was with me.
If you haven't already, you must have things out with dh - what the hell does he think he is doing? His behavious is in no way acceptable - i agree with Lisa and scummymummy that this is a much more pressing issue. Best of luck with it. xx

Shoud have added that dd is now six and a half so think I am justified in saying that once in six and a half years really is a one off.

No wonder you feel stressed, having found out what you husband has been doing. It must be a real challenge to your perception of him and how he sees you. That's more than enough to set you off balance, and make you behave temporarily out of character and cross a line you have never crossed before.

I can see that smacking is a very big issue for you, as you were abused as a child. For you smacking equates with being a worse or better person, if I understand you rightly?

Smacking is not such a big issue with me, so I don't know how much help it is for me to say to you that IME the odd smack does not cause lasting damage or make you a worse parent than a non smacker, if done in the context of a loving relationship. I have smacked my sons from time to time. I don't think they have suffered permanent damage. To me, the worst thing about smacking that it has proved pretty ineffective. I really hope you can stop feelng guilty about this. As a parent I try out different approaches all the time - some prove better than others. That doesn't IMO mean I was a bad person for trying them out. My level of parenting skills vary from hour to hour - it's not a fixed standard.

You say this has been building up for some months, and you feel very stressed. Are you short of people to confide in, or can't talk to your dh? I think you need to talk to someone asap - the samaratans, a therapist, a friend - just to sort out your feelings. Your messages sound full of confused emotions to me - I am worried about you.

Hugs

I would certainly forgive myself for the one-off smacking. You evidently didn't think it a good idea and won't be repeating your actions. I am sure your dd will soon forget about it. You are treating it as a warning sign and doing something about it, don't give yourself a hard time over it any more.

About what your dh is doing. My dh has done the precise same thing not once, but twice. When I found out the first time it felt like an affair. We went to relate and I insisted that if he ever did it again I would throw him out. He was totally sorry and went to great lengths to make it up to me. I spent hours talking to him, ensuring that he understood how hurt I was, thinking that if he understood, and then still did it again, I could not forgive. A couple of years went by, then I found he was doing it again.

I was in a horrible place then, I felt that if I stayed with him it would be like saying that he could get away with what he'd done. I was very angry. He was terrified that I would leave. He begged me not to. I wanted to know why he would do such a thing not once, but twice. He said he didn't know. He had been very stressed at work and finding it difficult to carry on. We had experienced a couple of very stressful years from a family point of view and he had been estranged from his parents.

Within a couple of days I realised that despite what I'd said to him I still loved him and did not want to throw him out. I told him that something would have to be done about his behaviour but that I would stick with him and support him. Over the next couple of weeks I watched him fall apart. One day I was talking to him on the phone when he was in the office and he started crying. I told him, put the phone down and come home.

I think he was on the brink of a breakdown and I got him to the doctor's just in time. He had the summer off work and started a programme of psychotherapy. He is much better now and back at work, but the psychotherapy continues and he is only really just beginning to address the effects of the breakdown of his relationship with his parents and the reasons for his internet dating. I discovered that the dh I adored actually had always been quite emotionally closed and now that he is learning to access his emotions he really can relate to how painful his actions were to me, something that he really couldn't relate to properly before, even though I thought I'd left him in no doubt. A childhood he himself had thought good is now becoming clearer to him and the emotionally blank family life in which he was raised is beginning to come to the fore as his understanding of its undercurrents increases.

If your marriage is otherwise happy then much as your dh's behaviour is extremely hurtful to you I would urge you to look more closely at his situation in general. Is he using this as an escape from intense responsibilities? Is he a good coper and a rock for you who never comes to you with emotional needs? Could it be that his emotional life is reaching breaking point? If he is like my dh you might not be able to tell very easily - if he could more easily admit that he is floundering things would never have got this far would they?

I hope this is of help. I too am a regular poster with an 'alias'. You are welcome to CAT me but please use a subject line so that I know it's you or I will delete.

Well things have got worse if that is possible.

I found a porn movie in the video in his office. Great. I feel like I don't know him any more he is meant to be my best friend. TBH I almost don't care if he has actually been unfaithful physically or not. But I keep thinking of maybe he has been meeting women when he has been telling me he is working late and I have been at home with dd waiting for him so that we can have a chat.

I think I am depressed. I took Thursday and Friday off work as I couldn't face going in. I feel like none of this is quite real. And to top it all I have been short tempered with dd this weekend again. I am not being a good parent here and I am not doing very well at all.

I have read everyone's messages but can't really take them in at the moment. I will come back in a few days when I feel better. Thank you everyone.

Confused, this is horrible for you.
TBH, the discovery of the porn video suggests that he's after a bit of a porny experience rather than RL infidelity, IYSWIM, and is not going onto sites to actually meet someone but to get wankable e mails. Sadly, this seems a v common problem - when you've given yourself some time, why not start a thread under Relationships?