19 month old really doesn’t like me ;(

[Bee199]

Hello all.
This is so hard to write and I’m in tears as I’m doing so. My DD is 19 months old and I am at my wits end ;(

I had/have PND and when she was born, she had a CMPA which went undiagnosed for 4 months, so she basically spent the first 16 weeks of her life screaming at me and it was awful. We also moved out of our hometown when she was 8 weeks old and my Fiancé has basically worked away Monday to Friday since then so it’s been so hard and I’m sure this has all attributed to our poor relationship.

She never comes to me when she’s hurt, she actively kicks and arches her back to get away from me if I pick her up so I don’t now. Today she got so bad that I had to basically go upstairs because she was head butting the floor, the tv table, the sink, basically anything she was in the vicinity of!

She will follow me around and just scream at me for what appears to be no reason, literally just ask her to move away from in between me and the kitchen side so I can do her lunch etc and she goes mental. She constantly screams at me and is very rarely like that when her dad is home at the weekends. She makes me so angry sometimes that I shout at her and then feel like crap but then she will just do it again and I’ll get annoyed with her again, it’s a vicious circle. She hates having her nappy changed (and has done for months) and it’s so frustrating trying to hold down and screaming, bucking toddler and not getting covered in poo! Every time just ends in her smacking her head repeatedly on the changing table and me screaming at her, it’s just horrible.

I feel like we just haven’t bonded, there isn’t a single time where I can honestly say that I felt she needed me or wanted to be near me and it’s ripping me apart and i feel like I’m beginning to zone out from her. She’s never been a cuddly baby but has given her Nan and great man cuddles every time they’ve visited.

I’m just really tired and I’m convinced now that we just won’t be close. Me and my own mum have never gotten on and it just feels like me and DD will end up the same way.

I’m just heartbroken and I don’t know what to do anymore

She loves you. She just isn't great at showing it yet.

A lot of the stuff re. temper and nappy changing and head butting is quite normal for her age.

It does sound like all combined though her behaviour is quite extreme.

Is your HV any good? If so, it's really worth taking her to see them. They can assess her behaviour or refer you on to someone who can. They should also be able to offer you support in terms of parenting and any unresolved issues relating to PND.

If your health visitor is rubbish, you could try another one or your GP.

In terms of bonding activities things that involve gentle physical contact are great. Swimming is good. Face painting. Putting cream on her or letting her put cream on you. Play doctors and bandage her up/listen to her chest etc. or let her do it to you. Play hairdressers. Look in a mirror together and make funny faces or copy each others expressions. Blow bubbles. Draw round her or on her. Let her draw on you. Paint her nails. Let her do yours. Play together in sand (or rice or foam). So nursery rhymes like round and round the garden. Cover her with a cloth and play peekaboo or let her cover you.

I suffered with PND & had the same feelings as you - I was convinced DS didn’t like me, only wanted others etc. I was undiagnosed for about 10 months which was beyond hell. I then had 2 months of CBT which literally changed my life. I don’t think you’re over your PND. Perhaps speak to your GP & see what support is available to you. One thing though - I guarantee your DD does love you. After getting over that hell of a year DS & I are inseparable- he’s such a mummy’s boy. Get more support & I promise it’ll get better.

Use pullups instead of nappies, then you can change her standing up in 2 seconds

Even with tab nappies, we do them standing up and have for forever.

How is her communication coming along? Can she communicate her basic needs one way or another?
Do you get much support from family? Is she in nursery? Some space might help both of you

Sorry pressed too soon

Some space might hp both of you- you to get a break and some adult conversation and some time for you, and for her to have something else to do, other people to interact with and a more chilled Mum.

She does love you. You're the centre of her Universe

My 2yo is and forever has been the same. I am starting to question whether she is neurotyoical actually with some of her behaviour.

HOWEVER I do try my best on the bad days to think of it as a compliment of sorts in that she will be very good on the whole at daycare, in public - even with her dad - and basically then lets rip at me. It's like she's been holding all her feelings in but she trusts me enough to show them to me. It's really hard sometimes but I hold onto that to help me when it's especially rough. And on some occasions I do shout (and then I cry because I feel bad about it) because I'm genuinely a very patient person but I'm also not fucking perfect. But every day I get up and do my best.

The thing that really makes a difference for me is having a good, solid break. I'm not working at the moment as I'm on mat leave with DD2, so a Saturday morning here, a Sunday afternoon here is really what I need to recalibrate. I always have more energy for the endless sodding battles her when I come back. Sometimes I even miss her! It doesn't happen often but it does happen

Look, you do love her. You DO. You may not like her, but you wouldn't feel this upset if you didn't love her. Love is an act, not a feeling. If you get up in the morning and you're there for her to the best of your ability, then you love her.