My little one is nearly 1 years old. I have suffered very severe depression and anxiety since being a young age and if progressively got worse when I was around 15 and it's just got worse and worse. I have deep scars on my arms from self harm. I'm only including this so maybe I can get some realistic answers ðŸ˜
I'm now 22 and 23 in may.
I can't work as my partners dad was recently diagnosed with cancer and needs daily care and I can't rely on my mum for childcare as I have a 3 year old brother!!! My partner works though but I think the worry of money is stressing me out too. The money I get just about gets me and my little family the food we need every week. We're really short on money. I'm always always looking at jobs and then I realise I can't afford the £900 a month childcare and I have no one to babysit, even for a part time job, and I can't go to college as it's too expensive. I'm literally stuck in my house everyday and my mind is ticking over and over that I'm never going to have a decent income and a decent job. I've always worked with animals and I miss it terribly.
I feel as if I'm stuck in a rut, for years and I mean years, I've just gone round and round in circles with my mental health and no doctor seems to help me. I'm now on medication that works 70% of the time. I'm really struggling to just function and cope. Many people will say I'm not depressed, I'm just worried but I'm genuinely depressed and I don't know what to do about it.
I've been to my doctor, they refer me to psychiatrists and I've been waiting for 2 years and I finally got an appointment back in September last year and I never saw a psychiatrist, I saw her assistant who told me "things get better", I travelled 6 miles to be devastated and to realise that no body can help.
I don't drink, I don't smoke, I exercise in my own home and walk a lot, I eat healthy (although I am on a weightloss journey).. so there's really no reason for me to be depressed as I'm physically in good condition except for my weight, if that makes any sense. I'm not even sleep deprived and I take my meds on time every day, it feels as if nothing seems to help me at all. All of these things I'm doing to help myself just aren't working so it's making me feel worse as I don't know why I'm not feeling better or getting any better... it's just a constant vicious cycle.
My real question is how do you cope? When I do eventually go back to work, how do you (I) cope? What do I do? I'm terrible at holding jobs down as a few months down the line I suffer a terrible paralysing episode of depression and I quit my job although I do enjoy it. My brain goes into total shut down mode.
I'm noticing very horrible thoughts, I'm noticing that I'm worrying a lot more about what people may do.. what if someone tries to hurt me or Emilia, and it genuinely frightens me, and I have visions of myself flipping out not that I'm going to but I panic like I'm about to flip out at someone, and I can't seem to remember conversations I have with people - my brain forgets, I panic when I'm having a conversation so I struggle to remember what I've said or what someone else has said. I feel as if I have absolutely no feelings whatsoever, it's like all of the sadness and anger has swallowed up all my good feelings and just taken over... I feel nothing. Even on good days. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I love caring for my baby and playing with her but on bad days, I really really struggle to cope.
can somebody please direct me to a forum, a website, anything that may help. I just need some help.
Before anybody mentions it, my partner isn't much help with talking, neither is my mum and I don't really have friends to talk to - so really, mentally and emotionally, I'm doing it alone so I result to the internet to help.
Tia xx