Porn, consent, sexting etc - how to broach?

[keepmehappy]

I really feel I need to chat with my 13yo DS about issues like respect and consent around girls and women. I had no problem when he was younger explaining basic biology and the mechanics of sex, but for some reason I just don't know where to start with this! How do you broach the subject? I really don't want to go in heavy handed and read him the riot act about how this is terrible, that is terrible, etc. I know I need to be subtle or it'll just put him off. Any good ideas really appreciated!

Anyone?

I'm maybe overthinking this but I just had to tell him that when his little brother asked him to stop tickling him, he needed to stop there and then, and he didn't. He just carried on, saying DS2 was enjoying it. He then rolled his eyes when I tried to impress on him how vital it is for someone to stop right away if they are asked to. Bodily autonomy and all that. I fear I've got an uphill battle coming.

Start the topic from his point of view regarding consent and being respected. How he is worth being treated well.

Explain he always retains the right to be asked, say no if he wishes to and to state his boundaries with the full expectation that they will be accepted AND respected. Then tell him it works the same way for girls.

Talk about legislation. How sending nudes/semi-nudes is illegal and even if he doesn't send them, receiving one and sharing it (say with friends) is also illegal.

Make it so he knows he can talk to you at any time, no matter how awkward and tell him that it's even more important that he brings you the awkward embarrassing stuff.

Keep an open dialogue with him and never make him feel inadequate for his sexual curiosity in terms of talking to you.

Both childline and thinkuknow have advice and information on many of these topics that I used with my older kids.

Also, psych2go on youtube have some videos that may be useful like 10 red flags of abuse that have helped to start the conversations for us. Other youtube channels like Webwise Ireland, Thorn, and Child Protection CA (their Send a Mole Rat Instead is hilarious) have a lot of good age-appropriate videos on awkward topics, particularly around the internet.

It's awkward and sometimes, yeah, the point has to be drilled home. It's not about saying all this is terrible, but being clear and firm on the laws and ethics. On the point of body autonomy and how our bodies can respond when we feel otherwise, I recommend this Ted Talk on arousal incongruence which specifically mentions tickling (though, warning, it also mentions child sex abuse of someone your son's age. Not in detail but in a case where someone's automatic body response was used against her).

Thank you, these are really helpful. I just didn't know where to start but I'm going to watch these as soon as I can and try and open the dialogue.

It's not that I'm uncomfortable talking about the subjects, but I'm just so worried I'll cone across as though I'm laying down the law and telling him what to do/not to do...

My 13yo y8 has covered the sexting thing in school. They watched a play of true story where a girl sent her bf a picture and he forwarded it to his friend after much hassling, who then distributed it. It was the original boy who got a prison sentence even though he didn't request pic or send to anyone except his close friend. My ds was impacted by this.

Thanks, Merry, I do hope he will get stuff like this at school, will ask him if he has yet, but at the same time what I want to do is raise a kid who has the integrity, maturity and morals not to join in with any of this shit because he realises it's wrong, unequal and exploitative - not because he's worried he might get arrested, IYKWIM? Though I don't mind if the school does that fear-of-god stuff!

I just want to try and instil him with doing the right thing where women are concerned, when he's older, because it's the right thing to do... good morals and all that...

Me too, OP, but that's a very long game and not something that happens in a chat. Will come from the easy he is treated (with kindness and respect) as an as how he sees his nearest and dearest treating others, in particular women.

Argh sorry. I mean it will come from the way he is treated as well as how he sees those close to him treating others (you, your dp, your parents etc.)