Partner changing his mind about second baby

[Charsw]

My partner and I decided to start trying for a child last summer, as we had both just finished our university degrees, (my second degree after going back as a mature student following initial study and period of work. I chose to study again as a change in direction) and the time seemed right before me going back into work/further study, so that I wouldn’t have to stop and start my career any more. Also my first child was just starting preschool so I would be able to be home and collect him from school, care for him etc. I had an offer to start teacher training in September, which I rejected to focus on having a child, and we had 2 miscarriages in the few months after. Our relationship suffered as I felt he had not been there for me following the miscarriages, and my mental health suffered massively. He said he didn’t want to start trying again because of my mental health and the problems in our relationship, but he does want another child eventually. Things have got better but he still doesn’t want to start trying again and that’s making me feel worse. I feel like I need to have a time frame, after giving up work and putting everything on hold for something be agreed to but is now taking away. I don’t want to start work again before having a second child because I’m so aware of taking more time out, and not having the freedom to choose when to go back after having a baby. I feel like I’ve had enough stop-starts in my career as it is, and would like to take a few years with my family and feel settled at home before starting again. I’ve explained this to him and he understands, but is still not budging on trying for a child. I feel as though he is dictating the rest of my life, because I can’t make any moves into study or work without him outright saying ‘no I don’t want a baby’ or ‘yes I do want a baby.’ Right now I’m just waiting with him saying ‘yes but not right now,’ but not giving me any kind of time frame so I know how long I have to be waiting, and whether I can start making small moves towards my career goals. Because I don’t want to start something and then him say he’s ready to try now, or start something and accidentally fall pregnant and be in a really difficult position with no security work/study-wise.
Does anyone have any words of advice at all, because I would really appreciate them. I know I can’t change his mind, but I feel like I’m driving myself crazy with a dream that’s completely out of reach and out of my control, which is making our relationship suffer again. X

So sorry for your losses OP

he says he doesn't want another child because of your mental health, can I ask what you're doing to try to improve it?

If it was me, I'd start working on your mental health, not for your DP but for you and your DC.

I'd also get started on your career. You need to be financially independent.

We went through something very similar and it nearly broke us. My DH did agree to start trying again after a few months though.

Have you had any counselling done the last MC? Do you think sone couples counselling would help you to resolve this?

Thank you for your kind words x

I’ve had bad MH since my teens and had various therapies and medications, but I’ve really pushed back through this time to get a proper diagnosis as think my depression/anxiety was a symptom of a bigger picture. I feel much better in myself now, managing well off medication which I think was making things worse, and been referred for Autism assessment.

We’ve been having MC counselling which is helping, but he’s still got a lot of things to overcome, whereas I feel more comfortable with the losses now.

We’re just in a bit of a jam now as all of the childminders in our area are full until next school year so I wouldn’t be able to take on a job before then, and if I was so start teacher training in Sept I know that would be a year of study which would mean not able to get pregnant during, and I wouldn’t want to go take time out for another baby after the training as it would make it harder to get into a school after losing connections etc.
I could just get a job in Sept but then I’d be back in the same position of getting a job for the sake of it, and later on having to go back into training for what I really want to do as a career, and it feels like an indefinite cycle of putting my goals on hold.

I’m also looking into the possibility of having Endometriosis as both my Mother and Grandmother have it and the last few months I’ve started having a lot of Endo symptoms, and I’m wary that that might make conceiving a lot harder. Especially as after 27 both my mother and grandmother really struggled to conceive (and I’m older than that already.)

How did your DH come around to the idea of trying again if you don’t mind me asking? It’s helpful to hear other people’s stories. I’m sorry you went through such a hard time with it also x

I think I sat him down and said how much it was affecting me and if he wanted another DC he had to tell me when or we couldn't move forward. It was affecting me so much, I was prepared to leave and had to say this to him.

In all honesty, although I'd told him a million times how I felt, he still hadn't realised we were on the verge of splitting up. We talked, a lot and in the end we decided to start trying again after a few months.

Sounds like you need to get on with life. Start your career, get back into a better mental state. I do appreciate his point of view. I wouldn’t want to be trying for another baby with someone who thought I wasn’t supportive through previous miscarriages and was tying all future decisions to the generation of another child. It could take you a long time to conceive again anyway, would you put everything on hold indefinitely in that scenario?

My advice would be to give the baby train a rest and get on with life normally and revisit the question in another year.

I’m sorry for your losses. Make sure you do everything you need to recover from these.