Am finding this really difficult...and it seems so silly!

[ponygirl]

Ds1 (5.9) started school a year ago. I had assumed that he would be too tired after school to want to play with anyone, but I was wrong. He wants to play with someone every day. I've spent a year limiting it to once or twice a week, but we had tears and tantrums practically every day. He's been back at school 3 days and so far, we've had one friend round to play (Monday) tears on Tuesday, then I told him that he could only play with someone once a week as I think he really is too tired for more. We agreed yesterday that I would arrange a day today with his friend's mum for next week, but today, when he found it wouldn't be today, he threw a complete tantrum which culminated in him hitting me. I was very shocked as he hasn't hit me since he was small. We've come home and I asked him to go to his room until he's calmed down.

I have to confess that I'm really crap at this social thing. Part of the problem is that I don't get on really well with the mothers of his friends. But I hate having to arrange all these playdates although I hate the idea of him having no friends even more!

What do you all do? How do you manage the social lives of this age group?! Am I scarring him for life, or turning him into a social leper?

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ponygirl, not sure why you need to get on with the mothers of his friends. At this age they don't need their mother to accompany them -just to pick them up. And if you don't want to socialise when the mother comes to collect just have the child ready to leave on time and stand by the front door. That's what i do

Soory, last post was me. Was messing about on another thread and forgot to change back

I would be very pleased that he is clearly a socially gifted and popular boy. Let him play with his friends - it's obviously very important to him. You certainly don't have to go with him! If he's invited for tea, then all you have to do is pick him up, and the same goes for the other mums. Relish the break!

Sounds like he didn't understand that you were speaking to this other mummy about next week and was shocked and upset when he suddenly realised something he'd been looking forward wasn't going to happen. It's quite a complex message for a small child, 'I'll speak to your friend's mum today to arrange a date for next week', I think.

I don't quite understand from your post whether he really is too tired to play more than once a week, or whether that's something you expected but in fact he's really keen to play more often. If he's too tired, then you do have to be a bit firm and limit playdates but if he's got enough energy and wants to play then I, personally, would encourage him. Cliche but isn't playing what childhood is supposed to be about? And don't forget when we were kids we were allowed to play out with our friends ? we didn't have to wait for arranged dates like kids today (God, makes me sound old, but you know what I mean). Must be very frustrating for them.
HTH

Hi lisalisa, thanks for answering. I'd love to spend time with him, it's one of the reasons I'd like him home. I have two other dc, 3.8 and 1.7 and they love to see him too. I think you're right, he is a bit bored, he does like to be on the go all the time. But he does get really tired, and if he overdoes it, he gets truly horrible. It feels like a no-win situation atm.

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I think he is old enough to understand that it is only possible once or twice a week but couldl well have misunderstood what you thought you'd agreed. Presumably you still need to allow time for reading, spellings etc and balance the needs of his siblings. Perhaps you could set a regular day when you invite someone over or he can go to theirs if you receive an invite. Otherwise is there a regular activity he could do with a pal or two like swimming or football.

I have the opposite problem with ds who is 6.5. He loves coming home after school and playing by himself. Last week I arranged a spontaneous play date and he all but ignored him ! I'm also crap at the social side and it kind of suits me .... As of next week he'll do a couple of after school activities and I'll arrange the odd playdate.

Lots of food for thought here, everyone, thanks. Aloha - I'm not entirely sure just how popular he is: he wants to play with them, but I'm not always sure that they want to play with him. Or maybe that's just how small boys are!

I'm very awkward approaching people I don't know very well, which is the problem with the other mothers. We live in a village, so it's quite a small circle of people for everyone to socialise with. The school-gate politics do get a bit complicated at times..

OK - I need to make this happen more often for him, though I do think it needs to be limited as he does get tired and stroppy, and I still have to find time for his reading, and presumably other stuff soon, as he is now in Year 1. Must try harder on this. Thanks everyone.

Well, you can't beat that confidence! We'd all be better off with a bit of that attitude, I suspect.

Would he enjoy Beavers, ponygirl? This avoids the 'arranging playdates with other mums' scenario. You could maybe all go swimming once a week after school, too, as a family, and take a friend along with him (if you feel up to looking after another one as well).