Writing a letter to my son's stepmum

[Kinderegg50]

Will try keep it to the point!

I have multiple serious health problems and they are worsening quickly. Been in and out of hospital alot. My ex is concerned about little one and I agree it's unsettling. I feel uncomfortable that the full extent of what I have health wise isn't clear and as I decline- which I am - then my ex and therefore my son won't ever really know how unwell I was or what i had. My conditions are extensive, weird and underacknowledged and I am quite sure my ex interprets it as weakness of mind because you cannot clearly see what this is doing on the inside. It is life changing despite the face I try put on.
Because of the way my ex is I wanted to write a letter to his partner- who is pretty decent I think- outlining what I have and the fact things are getting worse and therefore I appreciate her support when the time comes for little one to spend more time over there/ live there under her care. Both she and ex know this is a future possibility. I don't think a face to face is appropriate and I wouldn't want to cause discomfort. The letter would give me peace of mind that if I become incapacitated or drop dead that the true facts are there for my son in the future. I don't want it to be a me me me letter but I'm quite frightenedby the severe decline in my health and my ability to communicate properly. I want to make sure my ex his partner and in future my son are fully aware of what I have and why I'm becoming less capable. I have a mixture of severe rheumatological and neurological disorders.
If you were to receive such a letter from your partners ex would you find it too much or a bit weird? I don't feel comfy writing it to my ex as it would prob be laughed at. The whole point of the letter is to correct any assumptions or incorrect info regarding how ill I truly am and to ensure my son will have the full facts when he is older should I no longer be here or here in the same capacity.

You sound an amazing and selfless mother.

I think the letter could only be a good thing especially if written as sensitivity as you suggest.

Even though it's unofficial I would however keep a copy with another trusted person or solicitor along with your will and anything else personal for your son to access in time. You couldn't rely on it being thrown away etc.

I remember being puzzled when my dad died suddenly that there was nothing for me. Not money but a note or something. And I was 17 then.

Oh and bumping with some it sounds a very tough situation for you.

As a step mum I would value honest communication like this. Much love to you.

Can you write a letter to your son to be given to him at a later date explaining all this too? Leave it with a different relative or lawyer?

I’m not a step mum but I think your son will definitely be glad you did that for him. I agree with keeping a copy with your will/a solicitor.

Thank you for your helpful replies and kind words. Two lifelong friends are happy to hold a copy for me and my brother. I will also keep a copy with my will - good idea.
I feel less self conscious about doing it now. It's difficult because my ex certainly sees me as dramatic and over emotional which I have been in the past - alot to do with becoming very sick and having no answers yet knowing something is seriously wrong. Writing a letter is likely to fuel his 'oh here we go' view and I feel quite conscious of that. I won't have any speculation as to how genuinely sick I am and all the conditions I have though as that is very upsetting. It has impacted my ability to care for my little one alot and I need everyone around him to know the facts. I will just have to try be factual as possible and not too emotional.
My son will often say to me ' step mum said this' or said that. Recently he repeated something said and I could be reading into it but it did seem as if the comment was possibly a dig at me and my ' issues. I may be wrong but it did feel like that to me. This is one reason I want it all spelled out. My son overheard the comment and asked me what was meant by it. I had to just gloss over it as I didn't know the context.
I really don't want sympathy from them as I won't get it but I really want complete understanding regarding the severity of what I have and how it's panning out.
Thanks all 😁

oh op, bless you.

I would really, really appreciate it honestly. I would have a massive amount of respect for you for being open and honest, and in turn I would support you as much as I could.

I think pps suggestion of writing a letter to your son for the future, is a really good idea too if you feel comfortable with it.

Do you think you've been misdiagnosed? You might find the the podcast called "Blind Spot" by Reply All to be interesting. They did another one about another medical mystery but don't know what it is called.

I think you might be talking two different letters here. One to your son (held by family) and one to her. Obviously they will have similar content, but not sure they need to be “the same letter”.

Good wishes.

If it helps I have CFS that was misdiagnosed for 10 years, very neurological and strangely seasonal that seriously impacted on my ability to care for my Dd alone. Thank goodness for DH.

I also consider myself super rational but remember at one point when I knew I was going downhill again and what was coming just screaming I CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN! I was obsessed with getting well.

I had counselling and said I was worried about myself mentally and I remember the guy said actually your reaction to what's happening to you is completely normal, not many would calmly accept it.

What I'm trying to say is ignore your ex's opinion he is not living your life.

Ah Thank you all for your lovely words. I shouldn't give a stuff what anyone thinks but it kills me having yo basically hand my little one over and the thought anyone would think I just couldn't be bothered or am feebleminded is too much.
I got my diagnosees in the end after years of searching. Some uncertainty but I have a weird genetic condition I didn't know i had and on top of that I have 4 aggressive autoimmune diseases now. To an outsider or some guys they just can't understand it if you are talking and walking somewhat.
I think the idea of 2 letters does actually make more sense. Thank you