Hurt Daddy

[Dlah]

Our daughter is just over 2 and generally a bundle of fun but lately has become very much a 'mummy's girl' this is not something I've egged on, and we generally have a balanced routine - mummy does bed time one night, daddy the next, daddy does bath time, mummy dries and dresses so we try and keep it equal teams.

Recently though (7-8 weeks now) its pretty much 'no mummy do it' or in the past week 'me no like daddy' - but I will point out it's a new sentence and suddenly 'me no like sandwich' etc will come out if she thinks she'll get her pudding sooner! So it's not just said about him.

My partner is really starting to take it to heart and he's almost withdrawing from doing things (although I'm putting my foot down and saying if you do that it'll only get worse). When they do play they get on lovely and have a laugh and giggle, if I'm out the way then generally no issues. I had a weekend away last week for my hen do and I said he needed to do the full weekend as I thought it would help. He still had his mother over Saturday/went to her Sunday and then she's the same with his mum, it's all 'nannie' whilst she's there instead ofDaddy. As I pointed out that doesn't help, but he did both evenings himself for the first time ever.

I just don't know what to do, he's clearly hurt and getting upset, but she's 2 and isn't doing it to be malicious.

How can I help them both?

We had this and I don’t know what causes it as like you everything split very equally. It lasted aaaages though (I’m sure it doesn’t for everyone!) but came in phases from the ages of about 18 months to 3 years. When it was really bad she would have a meltdown if he handed her a fork or even just being in the same room. Eventually she seems to have grown out of it. No comfort really but I read up on it and it’s really common. Also I find when there is a better option like Grandma I then got demoted and she wanted nothing to do with me. Almost like she ranked all her care providers and only wanted her top choice. Nothing particularly helped but we made sure not to pander to it and stuck to Daddy doing his usual things even if it made her rage. He hated it and found it hugely upsetting but it did end and she adores him now. One thing for bedtime that helped was if I pretended to go out. If she thought I wasn’t there she was fine with him it’s only if I was an option it was an issue.

My DD was the opposite, a real daddy’s girl and would always choose him over me. It was upsetting but it’s just one of those weird phases. I didn’t stop doing bedtime or anything, and neither should your partner. It went on for a while but now she’s 11 and we’re really close.

Does he understand that she doesn't understand the impact of what she's saying? She is just learning that she can express an opinion about things, and 2 year olds are very fickle about what they like. It will come and go in phases and doesn't at all mean that she actually has a preference or doesn't like him.

He needs to remember he's the adult in this situation and take a deep breath and let it go.

I've said all of this, as I think he's starting to take it personally, when I pointed out "She might be a bit of a dick sometimes but she's 2 and deep down she still loves you!" (Said in humour only!) he said she's been doing it for ages now, and Tbf she does lash out and physically push him away which doesn't help. I just wanna shake him and make him realise it's not because she doesn't love him but he really seems to think she doesn't

DD is 2 and a half and since 2ish has alternated. For a few weeks she was all about mummy, then sometimes it's daddy. At the moment it's mummy again. Granny was also the bees knees for a bit, she'd get in a strop going home!

She wants me more if she's not seen me, or if she's poorly or tired, but daddy is more fun.

It will pass, the pushing away is hard but it's all part of them building their independence. They need to see they can be independent but also that you will still be there anyway.

He needs to chill out and act normally. I am quite often 'busy' at bedtime whether she likes it or not (as long as she's not actually distressed, obviously)

He needs to stop being so ridiculous.

Yes it’s hurtful but it’s not deliberate. She is allowed to prefer one parent and that could be a sign that she likes something you do but he doesn’t and can’t articulate it. As she’s 2. So he needs to build the bond with her and it’ll be fine in the end.

The more he gets cross about it and let it affect him the more it will embed. What happens if he's light hearted and silly, makes a game out of it or similar?

My DD is nearly two and goes through phases like this. She’ll get upset if I leave the room and only wants me to do anything for her. Screams and lashes out if DH goes to her in the night instead of me. I think my DH was getting quite upset by it too. I recently had to have a few days away with work (first time I’ve left her) and she was absolutely fine with DH. They had a lovely time together and he said it’s really given him confidence in his parenting and his bond with her, and he’s less bothered now when she’s being clingy to me. I work longer days than him and she’s always fine with him when they are alone together. Does your DH have much one to one time with her without you in the house? Might be worth a try if not.

He needs to grow up. She is a baby and this is a completely normal stage. He needs to read up on child development and stop being ridiculous. When it happens he just says “daddy loves you vey much, but shall we see if mummy can do it”? Or if it doesn’t suit you to do it then he can say “sorry but daddy needs to do this tonight” and get on with it. Giving a 2 year old power over an adults feelings will be terrifying for her and not healthy at all. You can model love for daddy but just being kind- “well i love daddy a lot and he loves you” rather than “poor daddy is sad” type of guff.
It’s normal and healthy but his reaction is not.

He is being way to sensitive about it, as a SAHM I do a majority of the care foe DC, then Daddy comes home and I am chopped liver , seriously, picture two excited squealy kids the minute his car pulls up and yet when I go out/come home I barely get a hello lol.

They go through stages, don't worry in a few months time she will ditch you and decide he is her fav (unless he acts foolishly about it now and makes her feel a bit unwanted when she does want to be with him).

My DS does this with my husband too, totally normal and I consider it a part of them learning what they can control and expressing their (constantly changing) opinions.
DS loves playing with his daddy and will run round crazy with him but in the mornings when he first wakes up and when we first get home from work/daycare he won't tolerate him at all and will attempt to push him off the sofa if he sits next to him "no daddy, away! Mummy sits down!"
We just try to find a balance between giving him his space when we can but being firm that mummy won't be doing everything all the time. We find he forgets that he wanted me to do it pretty quickly most of the time.