My mum is useless with the baby

[poppymatilda]

I've always been close with my mum. My dad died 12 years ago and I'm an only child. My parents had a difficult marriage and I didn't have a particularly happy childhood.

Since dad died I have spoken to my mum on the phone most days, visited her regularly and, since I've had a well paying job, helped her out financially.

Over the time she's been on her own she's become more set in her ways, presumably a mixture of age and living alone. Sometimes that can be a bit irritating, e.g. she'll come to our house move things around to how she has them at home or tell us what to do (you shouldn't keep the ironing board there, where's my weetabix, I only like Kleenex tissues, I always watch Pointless at 5pm etc). Silly little things that me and DH just inwarded rolled our eyes at and ignored. Generally she was decent company and has always cared about us.

However, since our baby was born 4 months ago she's completely changed. When I was pregnant she couldn't wait to be a grandma and offered to look after the baby full time so I could go back to work. I never took her up on it and now I'm very glad I didn't!

Since the baby has arrived she's been a weird combination of completely neurotic and completely careless. She came down when she was born, then again at 3 weeks and again at 7 weeks (because it was Christmas). At each visit she criticised everything my husband or I did. She even tried to demand I hand over the baby to her and stood over me aggressively reaching for her a few times. When the baby was 3 weeks old she shouted at me for running out of milk meaning she couldn't have a coffee and then when I put the baby in the pram to go to the co op and get some she told me the baby shouldn't be taken out after dark (it was 4.30pm). She shouted at me for cleaning the poo out of LOs creases at a nappy change, saying I was being too fastidious and I should just get the nappy on and stop her crying. She looked after the baby one night so we could go out for dinner and when we came back she was frantically pushing her back and forth in her pram in our hall saying she'd had to finish the open bottle of wine from the fridge because she was so stressed.

She sleeps on a different floor but complained she was too tired to come out for a walk with the pram because the baby had woken her in the night and she'd laid awake worrying all night about her crying.

I tried to explain that all babies cry and that 6-8 weeks was peak crying and she just said she'd come back when she wasn't crying anymore because she couldnt bear it. That was Christmas and she hasn't been back since.

It's weird because although the offer to look after her has been forgotten she keeps saying she'll look after her in an emergency or come down if I need help. I don't how to explain I'm much better off on my own than with her "help"! She's now decided to come down the last week in March because she fancies "a little london holiday", she's wants to make sure my daughter knows who her granny is and my husband is away with work. I'm ashamed to say I'm dreading it. I'm going to batch cook in advance so I can do dinner and the bedtime routine each night, make sure I get in all the stuff she likes and try to take the baby to another floor when she cries. Hopefully then it will be ok.

But I'm just wondering what to do long term. Do I just keep quiet and only see her now and again to limit the stress or do I try to talk to her and explain?

I had never intended to rely on her for childcare but it would be nice to be able to ask her for help in an emergency, eg. if the baby was suddenly ill and couldn't go to nursery (although i think my MIL would help if we asked and is v easy). More than that I think it would be nice for her to have a relationship she can enjoy with her grand daughter.

I hear a lot about difficult Mils but not really mum's. Has anybody experienced anything similar? X

As your child grows of course she can have a relationship. It doesnt mean she has to care for her alone to do that! Visits will do fine. The older your baby gets the easier it will be

But that's the point, visits are awful!

Can you postpone her visit for when your dh is there? I seriously understand why you don't want her to visit, she sounds like hard work.

She can't just decide when she's descending on you!

Your mum sounds hard work but you sound like you are coping really good without her. My mum is similar, thinks she knows better, etc. I do not leave any oh my three children with her other than five mins to nip to the shop. I just don't feel comfortable and she hasn't no idea how to entertain them other than giving them her ipad. You can survive without your mum for childcare. Just keep the visits to a minimum I would say.

I think your mum could have early Alzheimers, her behaviours sounds bizarre.

my mum is similar to yours in terms of negativity and being critical. I had a similar thread a short while ago in relationships which was enlightening for me and might help you.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3511332-how-can-I-cope-better-with-my-negative-mother

however, simply put, you have enough on your plate and don't need to put up with her poor behaviour towards you.

I am thinking early Alzheimer’s too.

My mums started like that. I had / have a similar relationship with my mum and as she got older I just had to learn to roll my eyes and nod a lot more and distance myself. I learnt not to expect much of a relationship and I didn’t want my dc to have much of one either.

My mum is now terminally ill and is in a nursing home - partly because of the cancer and partly because of her Alzheimer’s/ behaviour. It’s very odd because she’s still my mum and I care for her but like you I’m an only child and I’ve spent my whole life trying to pander to her and please her and it just can’t be done.

It’s okay to go low contact. You don’t have to make her happy.

Her behaviour sounds really odd I would be worried about her looking after herself let alone the lo.

Think it's time for her to be checked out at the doctors to be honest.

X

I have a similar relationship, OP. Though when I had my first, 17 years ago, Mum was much better and dad- then alive- was her buffer. He died when my youngest was 3 and almost immediately mum went into that place of wanting to be Top Dog World’s Best Grandma while becoming a total, deep-fried head case whenever I left DC1 in her care (probably 4 times in total). Time and age have made it implausible, the idea of leaving the kids with her. My youngest is 4 and I really saw with him and DD (8) how much my mum was losing it. I too dread her visits. Love her to death but the visits are really hard. I live with a lot of guilt and fatigue around my relationship with mum. No advice but a big hug to you and total admiration. You handle it really well and I think that’s the solution: handling it.

My mum’s memory, hearing, and mental health are all in a very fragile state and age works hard at masking. There’s management of her problems but no fix. It’s hard.

I wonder how your mum’s thyroid is? Any blood tests done recently?

SHE works hard at masking.

Oh god I hadn't even thought it could be connected to an illness. I'd always assumed she was just a bit awkward. Makes me feel even more guilty for feeling annoyed with her. There would be no way of asking her to see a doctor though, she'd never agree to it, she prides herself on not taking any medication at 68.

Thanks for the thread link mixedup. And to all PP - It helps to be honest just to know I'm not the only one. I just feel sad when I hear other people say that their mums are their most trusted person and they'd leave DC with them before anyone else. I just don't feel like that.