Cant help but feel im failing at this

[captainshortie]

Currently sat with my DD (8 weeks) sprawled across my knee because she wont settle for longer than 1hr anywhere but on me...

This is my fault entirely. She was born 6 weeks premature and spent 10 days in scbu (to establish feeding and mild jaundice) where because the routine was so rigid i felt immensly guilty picking her up and cuddling her. Especially if she was under the lights for her jaundice. I mean i did pick her up, but felt i could only do it for 5 mins as she needed to be put back down.
One of the midwives even told me to put her down once, which didnt help me.

Because of this when we got home I didnt want to put her down... i carried her everywhere, let her sleep on me and only put her down to shower, use the loo or eat.

Now i feel horrible that we wont be able to establish a routine, she downright just hates being in her basket or swingy chair and will only settle properly on me or OH.

Also a few other things...

• I dont know if we're playing with her enough when shes awake?
• is she having enough wide awake time? Should i wake her up?
• she hatttes being naked which means bath times a nightmare, ive bought her a costume which comes friday but what if she doesnt get used to it?
• am i feeding her enough formula?
• im scared to bath her because she screams so shes getting by on topping and tailing, do i need to bite the bullet more and put up with her screams? I mean she goes red in the face no sound coming out scream :(
• im resenting my MIL cause everytime she holds her and she starts crying shell practically throw her back at me and say she doesnt do crying babies anymore... its making me not trust her? OH says its only because im there, but my mam doesnt do that??
• i feel like im making my OH push his family aside and not getting them involved because my family (from the outside) i imagine can look quite overbearing, (they arent it all comes from a good place) and im more interested in my mam or sister babysitting and giving us a rest as i can trust them more? Rather than his mam etc?
• i just feel like im failiny terribly at all this and cant snap out of my own head :(

None of my children would settle anywhere other than me for at least their first year (daddy was acceptable on occasion).

You’ve only had baby home for two weeks? You’ve both had a rough start be kind to yourself. I think it’s wonderful you are having this time to bond get skin on skin etc when it was so different while in SBU.

8wk olds don’t need to be played with - she can watch what’s going on & listen to you talk/sing to her.
I had non sleepers - I would never wake a sleeping baby
I used to take babies in the shower with me - they were happy because they were held snug by me & kept warm. (First few times it’s easiest to have daddy waiting with towels for you both)

Hello from a fellow preemie mum. Mine was born eight weeks early. I'm surprised (or shocked) you weren't encouraged to hold your DD as much as humanly possible in hospital. We were there three weeks and he was always encouraged to be in my arms.

You're doing fine. It's exhausting at first and the lack of sleep makes everything feel worse and more suffocating than it really is.

I assume she's eight weeks old now actual age versus her adjusted/corrected age? That would be two weeks if that's the case. So you basically have a tiny newborn. I didn't play with DS for the first couple months other than tickling his toes or showing him toes. He just wanted to stare at me and be held.

As long as she's gaining weight and having enough wet and dirty nappies, let her sleep. She's growing in leaps and bounds. Get a scale and weigh her every few days to give yourself peace of mind. How much formula is she having and how often? What amount was she released from hospital on? How often is she awake during the day and night?

If she doesn't want to be bathed, drop that to once a week and just use a baby wipe in between. Honestly how dirty can a newborn get?

Some people just aren't great with screaming infants. Your MIL is one of these. They can develop a better bond later. It doesn't mean you don't need to trust her. Everybody's different.

Can you ask his DM if she wants to watch the baby at your place while you have a nap or a hot bath? Then she's helping in a tangible way but you're nearby if the baby's crying gets to be too much for her. Same with other relatives. If you want them to be involved and it's not too much for you, invite them over to yours to spend time with baby.

The fact that you care so much about these things means you're not failing. You sound like a loving mother. Parenthood is tough, especially in the early days. I promise it gets easier.

Showing him toys **

Firstly, forget the baths. She is just a newborn, not running marathons Just give her a wipe over as you've been doing. A bath every week is more than enough.

Don't worry about amount of awake time and don't wake her. At 8 weeks, she'll slip in and out of sleep all day long pretty much. And don't worry about playing games as such at this age. Just holding her, looking at her, talking and singing to her, and just letting her absorb what's going on around her are great activities at this age.

I don't really have any tips about helping her to get used to the basket or swing, except just keep trying it.

Sounds like you are doing great though

I don't think babies as little as yours like being naked much, really- can you keep her top half covered while you "tail" her and vice versa? Mine screamed too when she was little and didn't love a bath until well after her 8 week jags (I remember that because of a rotavirus induced poo explosion)but it calmed down after that a bit. As others have said, don't do it meantime if she hates it!

It does sound like you had a rough start - a routine will come but it sounds like you might both need the hugs just now! It's a bit early I think but I know others disagree re routines.

It's so incredibly hard at the start (and I can't imagine how difficult having a preemie in SCBU) must be. Be kind to yourself. If MIL wants to help would she be willing to do non baby things- sticking washing on/hanging up? Is she maybe worried the wee one is extra fragile and nervous about her crying? (Though to be fair there are times I wish i could hand screaming baby back to mum. Then I remember I am mum...).
Sounds like you are doing fine

You're doing great.

Don't worry about where she's sleeping. She is tiny, she knows you, you are her safe place. You have plenty of time to get her into a cot, there is no rush. Get comfy with a box set or if you're happy to co-sleep get into bed with her and have a nap as well.

In terms of playtime, I used to pop mine on a playmat and let him look at the dangly things or show him a black and white book. I used to chat at him, sing to him, show him random things and talk about them.

With your MIL, I wouldn't worry about it too much, they bond in their own time. She probably needs to get over the crying though, it's what babies do! Some people just aren't good with little babies. My FIL isn't a natural with babies but once they get to about 2 turns into a magical creature of fun!

Wouldn't worry about the bath too much, we got a shnuggle bath at about 3 months and it was a game changer for us.

I would also say it's worth having a chat with your HV or GP if you feel you're struggling. There might be additional support they can offer.

Sounds like you and baby had a bit of a rough start with jaundice.

It’s fine not to put baby down. It’s your baby and you missed out on early cuddles. Cuddle her as much as you want. It’s too early to establish routines anyway.

At 8 weeks “play” is mostly looking at your face. Let her enjoy your face and sounds. She doesn’t need toys yet.

Unless she’s still unwell, there is no reason to wake her up for awake time.

Winter babies often take longer to enjoy being naked as they tend to be wrapped up all the time. Most newborns scream the place down at bathtime. It’ll improve as she gets used to it. Don’t use a costume just keep trying her naked. We bath our 10wo every 3 days. Older toddler asks for her not to come in because more often than not she screams the house down either in the bath or when she comes out. It won’t last forever like this. Just keep trying. You can try taking her legs out of her babygro more often and massaging her legs and feet to get her more used to skin-to-skin.

If MiL doesn’t want to hold her then fine. MIL’s problem.

You need to try and relax and enjoy the baby. Try some meditation or Headspace.

Good luck x

This all sounds completely normal. Both your babies behaviour and your worries. Perhaps ring your HV and ask them to come round for a chat.

Google the 4th trimester. You can’t cuddle your baby too much. Cuddles are essential for their developmental. Maybe think about getting a sling.

Also a few other things...

• I dont know if we're playing with her enough when shes awake?

As long as you cuddle her, chat to her, and look into her eyes then you are doing perfect for. She can only see from your boobs to your face in terms of distance.

• is she having enough wide awake time? Should i wake her up? Is she not unwell and put on weight then don’t wake her unless you need to go to the loo or something else you need. Sleep is essential for good health and development.
• she hatttes being naked which means bath times a nightmare, ive bought her a costume which comes friday but what if she doesnt get used to it?

She will eventually. You only need to bath her once a week. DD needed her whole body (not head obviously) to be in the water to be OK with it. Get her straight out the bath, wrap in a towel, pop on a nappy and feed. It does get better.

• am i feeding her enough formula?

Is she weeing and pooing enough and is she putting on weight? If yes then she’s getting enough food.

• im scared to bath her because she screams so shes getting by on topping and tailing, do i need to bite the bullet more and put up with her screams? I mean she goes red in the face no sound coming out scream sad
• Don’t bath more than once a week - it’s not good for their skin. DH and I did it together every time.
• im resenting my MIL cause everytime she holds her and she starts crying shell practically throw her back at me and say she doesnt do crying babies anymore... its making me not trust her? OH says its only because im there, but my mam doesnt do that??

Maybe MIL doesn’t want to over step the mark. At this age your baby just wants you or DH anyway.

• i feel like im making my OH push his family aside and not getting them involved because my family (from the outside) i imagine can look quite overbearing, (they arent it all comes from a good place) and im more interested in my mam or sister babysitting and giving us a rest as i can trust them more? Rather than his mam etc?

I think this is normal. Does MIL even want to baby sit? How often is your baby been looked after by others. There is no right or wrong amount as long as you are happy with it.

• i just feel like im failiny terribly at all this and cant snap out of my own head sad.

Sounds normal to me. Have you any friends with babies or been to any baby social type groups? It’s helpful to talk to other Mums. Most will feel the same as you.