Advance on child not wanting to see dad

[Advicewouldbelovelyta]

I have a 6yo daughter. Her dad and I split when she was 5 months old then he didn't have her until she was 3. Her step-dad and I have been together since she was 9 months old and also have a 4 yo together.

Recently she has been telling people she trusts (teachers, grandparents, aunt) that she doesn't want to go his house anymore and she doesn't want to see him, that she only wants 1 daddy and that's her step-dad.
She doesn't understand why she has to see him and can't just stay with us.
She can't seem to give me a reason why other than she just doesn't like him, he makes her sad and she told her nanny that when she misses mummy and cries he gets angry with her and says crying is bad for her.
Any advice would be amazing thank you

Typo in title sorry

How much does she see her Dad?

How do you get on with the Dad (your Ex?). Does he pay maintenance? Why didn't he see her for 3 years? Is he reliable with contact? Is contract through a formal Court Agreement?

What activities does your 6 year old miss out on (ie what is her 4 year old sister doing with you and her step dad?) when she spends time with her dad?

He has her every other weekend as a set thing and a few nights/evenings here and there in between.

We get along fine, his gf hates me and he still acts kind of weird around me sometimes.
He pays maintenance plus a bit extra to help with her dancing.
We split because he assualted us. He took me to court for contact when she was 1-2 and claimed the incident didnt happen. Eventually the court confirmed I was telling the truth and the assault that he was charged and found guilty for did in fact happen. He then didn't show up to court and it was left at that.
His parents had her 1 day every other week and then he asked to have the same (This was when she was 3). Contact was built from there.

She doesn't miss out on anything and we plan things for when she's home so she knows she's not missing out.

I wonder if it's just general undercurrent there that you and do are not liked etc.

You could ask ex to reduce the EOW to every third weekend to see if she starts being more positive about going?

You need to speak to her father about this I think as he'll have a big part to play in encouraging her to spend time with him and creating an environment in which she is happy and comfortable whilst she's there. Would that work?

I've tried talking to him about it, he just scoffs or laughs it off. To him it seems more the case of she's his child so she should be there, irrelevant of what she says.
For example, and I know this is can be a difficult one, she calls them both daddy, no "step" bit. He told her off for this once and told her that he is her "real dad" and that she's not to call her step-dad daddy. This really upset her.
Bless her cottons, she said she couldn't understand what makes daddy not real.

Is the current arrangement court ordered?

It's really important that your daughter carries on spending time with her real Dad. Young children don't understand that they are potentially losing a very important relationship by refusing contact. It's your job to engage with her and encourage those visits.

You haven't helped by letting her call your husband "Daddy". Her biological father is her only father and IMO you should never have let this happen. No wonder the poor thing is confused.

I do encourage contact. She can call us whatever she likes, that's her choice.
She knows that her step-dad has been there since she was a baby every day, literally the only part he lacks in the dad department is the dna link so I can see why she chooses to call him dad. She literally just chooses not to use the word "step".
I always encourage a relationship with her dad, I never speak ill of him and tell stories of before she was born. She thinks that we split because we simply didn't love each other anymore but always love her. I tell her that she's actually really lucky because she has so many people who love her.

The court order is that she lives with me so contact is arranged through me (residential order).
The court stopped the court order when he stopped showing up to court.

If it's not court ordered you can surely reduced it to every third or fourth week? Hopefully absence will make her heart grow fonder.

I would be concerned that it isn't a pleasant loving environment and she's just not able to verbalise that yet?

There's also problems with for example, her birthday or just simply any event she suggests. She wants her whole family there but he refuses. She wanted a girls trip to the cinema including his gf but he said no. She asked to just meet up all of us and it's a no. She asked for pictures of them to have at home, it's a no. He's very "here and there" is separate.

Hmmmm ....

She sees a lot of him for someone who has previously assaulted her. (Did I get that right?)

Reading between the lines, he doesn't strike me as the sort of Ex who will ever actually disappear - it just seems to be a sort of power struggle (from his perception) at the moment. Ie he is determined not to be 'told' what to do either by you (or Court) or a 4 year old.

Where are his parents at the moment? Would he be able to see her jointly with them? Are they the grandparents who she has been talking to (ie are the grandparents you mention his or your parents?)

Just out of interest, why did you let the contact build from the one day per fortnight, if it wasn't Court Ordered? With a past assault, he has ended up with quite a lot of contact as 'his right'.

The assault was a single event, he did not cope with a newborn and all the stress that entails. She has regular contact with his parents still, they are lovely. It's my mum that dd spoke to.

I think your DD is asking questions which need an (age appropriate) answer. And she is also testing boundaries a bit (but in a nice way).

I think you need to explain to her:

1. it is important to see her real dad, not just her step dad. Even if her real dad isn't always perfect. With my two children, i explained that scientists had worked out that it was better for children to know their real mum and dad if at all possible, and it helped them understand where they had come from when they were a teenager or adult. And this was the case, even if the real dad wasn't perfect - it was still better to know him.

2. a six year old can't "make" grown ups do things - eg make the joint day out happen, or make her dad's girl friend attend something.

I would separately speak with her paternal grandparents though. They may have some influence.

Thank you frazzled, that's great advice :)