Part-time working mummy struggling to tick all the boxes

[LD1991]

I don’t know about anyone else but this generation of mums are expected to be an amazing mum, still work part-time to earn money to contribute towards the bills, it’s your responsibility to drop your child at the childcare at stupid o’clock to make sure you get the train to get to work on time (even if you are on time no doubt your train will be delayed). You’re the one who has to get up in the night/early every morning cos you’re not the “primary bread winner”, you need to make sure the house is clean and tidy, washing is done, meals are all cooked from fresh, in between attending baby groups/classes. Not to mention find time and money to look after yourself and make sure you’re healthy and look nice, still feel good about yourself (doesn’t ever happen as it’s always a last priority). And even on the weekends you don’t get a break or “time off” cos your other half has been at work all week and even if they did want to leave the sofa to help, after the 20 questions you’ve answered on a simple task (for example) “getting their toddler out of the bath” you might as well have done it yourself and you mustn’t forget to say “thank you” because they’re basically doing your job for you, doing you a favour!
It’s not evening the working part-time that’s hard I enjoy the child-free time, the adult conversation and the using a different part of my brain. It’s the childcare that’s a struggle; (we can’t afford nursery for the full three days I work) but we’re lucky enough we have options, it feels like every week at least one of those options let’s us down with either being ill, having an appointment or holiday (which they’re completely entitled to as my daughter is not their responsibility) or my daughter will catch a virus and then you get mum guilt for leaving her. Who is the one who has to sort the logistics of cover? I am. Because I’m the one who’s meant to be home looking after her in the first place, but also the one who needs to go to work to earn money and not piss off work help. Should I be annoyed at my other-half or childcare. How do others juggle this? I would quite honestly love to just be at home with her all the time, but I also never want her to go without things and I don’t think I could ask for money from my other half as he wouldn’t let me forget it.

Your other half is 100% the problem here.

I am a parent and I agree that there is a lot to fit into the day, but this is not any more the case for me than it is for my husband.

My husband and I both work full time, through choice. Childcare drop offs and pick ups are shared equally. All household tasks are shared. We both participate equally in raising our child. If either one is struggling we discuss it and make changes.

If I worked part time I'd take on more of the household tasks because I'd be at home more, but it's a case of finding a fair and reasonable balance and both making compromises. Working full time should never ever give him an opt out from family life.

I've realised that I was on such a rant about your partner that I didn't actually mention the childcare issue.

Yes it's difficult to have unreliable childcare from family members. If you want to continue this way, your partner needs to share equally in looking after your child on the days when childcare lets you down.

Or, if you can't afford paid childcare, that is presumably because you earn less than the childcare costs, in which case could you wait until you're entitled to 30 free hours when your child turns 3 and go back to work then?

What are you getting from your relationship with you partner?

That's the first thing I would look closely at.

You do some to have a particularly useless OH so first step is a serious conversation. However, I get what you are saying. I have worked 0.6 since my elder DC was born 8 years ago. Yes, there is an expectation that you do more at home (which is fair enough so long as it is taken into account that you are not home all the time). I had to sit down with my DH and tell him that he worked 40% more hours than me, so that worked out that I should do 40% more domestic chores than him, not the whole lot.

Childcare/school-aged stuff has also fallen to me on an unequal basis, mainly due to the location of our workplaces. The big issue of course for part-time workers is the long-term impact on our careers/earning potential. On balance, I'm glad I've had more time at home while the children have been young, but it has involved certain sacrifices and it's important that your OH is aware of the consequence of these sacrifices.

Agree this is an "other half" problem! You need to sit down with him and tell him that he needs to participate more or you will consider not working.

You are both parents and parental caring should be shared. That doesn't necessarily mean that you take it in turns on all tasks as logistics sometimes get in the way! But the load should be shared equally.

Eg - childcare drop off - my DH could do the morning drop offs but simply could not get back in time to do the evening pick ups. Can your OH share some of the drop offs?

Sickness - if it falls on your non-working day then fair enough but if it falls on your working day then he should take turns to cover.

Night time risings - if you are getting up for work the next day then OH should take turns!!

Housework - schedule out list of tasks and divide up - your time away from work and at home is meant to be looking after the children not doing the housework!! Alternatively price up a cleaner to do the tasks he does not want to do and then get him to pay for it!!

Don't enable his behaviour by answering 20 questions - just tell him to work it out!!

If possible get him to take the kids out for a few hours on his own so that you can have some alone time.

Its your partner that is the problem.

I'm back at work full time, earn more than my partner.i do drop offs he does pick ups at nursery.

Washing/cooking etc is all split pretty much 50/50. We've hired a cleaner as we both hate cleaning.

I don't have mum guilt, and when my dd is sick we take it in turns to take time off work.

I'm sorry but you need to grow a back bone and talk to you partner about how things need to change going forward.

Because I’m the one who’s meant to be home looking after her in the first place why???

Yep you’ve got an OH problem. My OH does plenty of parenting at the weekend and I wouldn’t dream of thanking him for run of the mill stuff, she’s his child too.

This is less to do with expectations of this generation of mum's and more to do with your OH being a useless twat. It doesn't sound like he supports you working, or in general, to be honest.

I work part time and my partner works full time, we have. 15month old. When my partner gets home from work he takes over, let's me sort some things, get dinner, then he will get dinner then take over again. I agree with everyone else it OH is the problem. He should be involved in the family life also

*your OH

Why would you have to 'ask' your OH for money? My DP would give me every penny without question if it was needed for our life together. Your OH is definitely the issue here.

I completely and totally sympathise OP. It isn’t how it should be, but it’s so often the way it Is.

I don’t think it’s expectations of mums but your expectations of your partner. You’re equal parents. He shouldn’t be “helping” but parenting, running the home, doing his half.

What on earth is your partner doing? Why is he not sharing the responsibilities with you?

Yup, you have a partner problem, not an 'expectations of mothers' problem. Tbf it's a problem lots of women seem to have.

I have worked part time since my dc were born. I do most of the housework and did most of the childcare stuff (mine are older now). Dh has a stressful job and I very much feel I've had the easier ride. But he was always hands-on when he could be, has always done loads of diy, cooking etc and would never have needed to ask stupid questions about how to care for the dc.