So embarrassed and ashamed

[AllesAusLiebe]

I feel so awful. I’ve just gone completely apeshit with my 5 month old. I’ve been finding everything really tough recently and finally hit my limit this afternoon.

Put DS to bed because he was visibly tired and we began the usual tug of war with me putting the dummy in his mouth and him thinking it’s a great game to take it out. Eventually I left him thinking he’d settle himself. He didn’t, so I went upstairs again and repeated the process. This happened a total of 5 times, then I could feel myself getting irritated so I went down to make a coffee.

Then the screaming started and continued for at least 45 minutes. I tried everything - cuddles, change, play, dentinox in case his teeth were sore. Nothing made any difference at all.

I took 5 minutes out in an effort to calm down but ended up getting more annoyed. I went back upstairs and ripped the blanket off him, threw it across the room and shouted at him.

I feel absolutely terrible and I’m crying and shaking at what a total monster I am.

I need help, don’t I? I’m so upset with myself.

Look, it’s not ideal but I’d rather focus on you for a moment.

Have you been getting much sleep?

Do you have much support?

How are you feeling in general?

No you've just hit that wall that many people do. Take a squeeze man.

He's safe in his cot, take a breather then go bring him downstairs. Try bedtime later on.

Is there anyone who can give you a break soon. I mean a decent sized break so you can recharge?

OP you poor thing that sounds so stressful.

I'd definitely give up on bed time, everyone back downstairs even if just to watch some tv or something and try again later.

Be kinder to yourself parenting is bloody hard work and we're only human and it's certainly testing at times ! All I would say is if it's all feeling a complete chore all the time and you're not enjoying being a mum or feel like you're doing things because you have to etc. Talk to your health visitor about PND I had it with my DS and ignored it for so long because I felt guilty that I shouldn't have felt that way but now after recognising it and dealing with it I'm so enjoying being a mum it's still not always easy and he still tests my patience at times that's what kids do but I'm loving being a mum no so I suppose what I'm saying is just recognise your feelings and don't be afraid to talk and get help and support ! If it's a one of then really don't be hard on yourself we all lose our shit sometimes !

You do need help. But you’re not a monster. You’re struggling and need support. You haven’t harmed your child and you clearly feel bad about it.
Do you have a partner? What’s been tough? The early months can be bloody awful OP. They really can. You won’t be the last parent to reach breaking point. But something has got to change.

You haven't done anything that we haven't done!
You didn't hurt him, he won't remember and you calmed down.
Cuddle him and enjoy the rest of your night.

It happens. Sometimes we are pushed so past our limit it feels intolerable. At such times do whatever is easiest, get the baby up again, or just lay down on the bed with him, or put the tv on, or go for a walk - or anything that will help break that mounting frustration.

Sticking strictly to nap times? Doesn’t matter. I know you were probably looking forward to some brief alone time but just do whatever you can to take the pressure off.

Don’t crush yourself with guilt - parenting a tiny baby is so hard.

Do you have anyone who can take over later - partner, parent, friend? So you can have a bath/go for a walk/sleep?

My children are all grown up, but we have all been there believe me.
My pillow in my bedroom often took the brunt of my frustrations. Childcare is a tough job, but you are going to have bad days. If it gets bad,take yourself off to a room away from your babies cot, close the door put some music on and lose yourself for 10 minutes or so

He's 5 months old, give up on bedtime and take him downstairs to snuggle your guilt away. Trying to force a 5 month old into a bedtime routine will only make your life harder

Echoing what everyone else has said. But why are you repeatedly putting a dummy into his mouth? If he doesn't want it then don't force him. That's not right.

Don't make too many rules for yourself or for your DS. Rules are very stressful and will always be broken. And then you feel bad..... Routines, yes. Rules, no.

Roll with it OP. You're nowhere near a bad mum, just tired and frustrated. Take help if it's available but if not, just know many of us have been where you are now. Relax. Get baby out of bed and chill downstairs. Try later. This will soon pass and youll barely remember it . Hugs xxx

Thanks everyone. DH is home from work and has taken over, so I’m having some quiet time to myself.

This is the thing - sleep is lots better. He sleeps from around 8:30pm - 7am with a feed in the middle which I know is awesome for his age. The first 3 months were so terrible with sleep. He’d only ever slept on me or DH until a few weeks ago.

Support-wise I’ve got DH who is a great help, my mother in law who is here for a couple of hours most days, a friend who works part time with whom I meet regularly, so I’ve got it easy compared to many who are getting by alone, for example.

I honestly don’t know what my problem is.

I’m so stressed that DH has even suggested that I take an overnight to a spa, but that’d just make me feel like even more of a failure and I’d miss DS too much.

I’ve had depression on and off for nearly as long as I can remember, but honestly this doesn’t feel like that. I’m happy to get out, see friends, I go running 5 times a week. These are all things that I neglect when I’m feeling down, but I’ve still got lots of motivation.

It just absolutely kills me. I’ve got a lovely little son who is extremely hard work at times, but so are all kids. He gives me the most beautiful smiles and I love him so much. I just can’t believe I got to the point I did this evening.

Will he remember this, do you think? Have I broken our bond?

TwitterQueen1 I actually don’t know why I do this. I just thought that he’d need the dummy for comfort to fall asleep. If he doesn’t want it, I guess I should just let him decide, but it does work most of the time.

He'll have already forgotten it and soon you will too. Comparing yourself to others isn't helpful. We all struggle, some people have more support than others but that doesn't mean you can't have a bad day.

Cut yourself some slack.

What were your own parents like OP?

I may be way off base, but some people find it hard to keep their cool when parenting because it triggers memories from their own childhood. If that's the case, counseling can be really helpful.

You're not a monster. You're a normal, tired and drained mother of 2 young children. You recognise it which is the main thing. Start a fresh day tomorrow and reset the balance. You're only human and we all lose our shit from time to time.

Wolfiefan he’s just quite hard to read sometimes, that’s what I’m finding tough. I guess no 5 month old can tell you what they want so I’ve no idea what I’m expecting here, but this evening, for example, he was rubbing at his eyes and stopped being interested in playing, so I took that to mean he was tired. I don’t have regular nap times for him (tried it and it drove us both crazy!), but when he shows signs of tiredness I give him some quiet time and a cuddle, then I put him down for sleep. He’s never been the type to just fall asleep on his own when he’s had enough because he’s so easily distracted and aware of what’s going on around him. That’s why I started putting him upstairs for naps.

Sometimes it’s a battle, but today was off the chart.

Supercalafradulistic actually what you said there struck a chord with me. I do feel that I have absolutely nothing to be sad about and shouldn’t be feeling the way I do sometimes. I think I probably do need to speak to someone, you’re right.

Be kind to yourself. You don't have to be on form 100% of the time.

I think the phase where babies are up all night is demanding and often awful, but it makes you think everything will be sorted when they begin to sleep and then when it's not quite like that, it can be really hard. Like you're going to have to wait forever to return to something like normality.

Things got much better for us around 6 months, then every few months from there it's been more fun and more predictable. Not knowing if you're going to have downtime or sleep is terrible sometimes.

Get as much help as you can from DP, family and friends and don't feel guilty for a moment, the more you can recharge your batteries, the more you'll enjoy being with your son, which in turn is good for him. It's important to do as much to keep yourself happy as you can, even if it's just the odd walk round the block for a breather.

It'll get better!

Porpoises interesting question and I hadn’t thought about it this way.

My father regularly lost his cool, sometimes over totally inconsequential things. It took years to rebuild the relationship between us because we clashed so much. I was either upset at the raised voice or felt like I could never do anything right.

I vowed never to raise my voice to DS and lose my temper and that’s what has upset me the most about tonight. I still can’t believe how angry I became.

Please don’t feel bad. I did the same as you when DD was about 1.5. Am ashamed to think of it. I threw a dish across the room when she didnt eat her lunch. Dd now 14 and i have barely raised my voice to her or anyone for that matter since. It was a one off and a lesson. I hated that person and nipped it in the bud. I am sure you will do the same OP. Just tell yourself you are not that person. I am soft a shit now. Too soft.

We've all done it! Don't worry!

I don’t have any advice but you’re not alone and you’re not a monster. You’re a person as well as a mother.