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Parenting

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Original poster

DD gets extremely upset when I give out to her

20 replies

Badwifey · 27/02/2019 11:57

I have a 4 (almost 5) yr old DD.

She can be very demanding at times and stubborn. It can be hard at times to get her to do anything when you want such as getting into her pjs for bed. Everything is always 'in a minute'. Getting shoes on to go out... in a minute. She always has to keep playing or doing something else until its getting late and I have to give out to her. I've tried giving her plenty of notice, restricting her play etc until she is ready and we've had limited success.

Anyway she goes to bed at 8pm most nights, give or take a few mins and last night my DH was trying to get her ready for bed from 7.30pm. She loves bed time stories and every night we read her 2/3/4 (time and length dependent) so last night for 30 minutes she avoided getting into her pjs and so at 8pm Dh told her she could have 2 short stories. She picked one that takes about 15 mins to read. At the end she begged him to read it again and he said he would only read a small bit as it was past bed time as she had taken so long to get changed. She agreed and when he finished actually went hysterical begging for more stories. I was in my room putting away clothes and heard her begging and begging. I called her in to me and sat her in the bed and explained that she had taken to long to get into her pjs and that there was no more time for stories. I told her it was time for bed and that we could read them tomorrow. The screaming went on for ages....I got annoyed and told her that it was her own fault as she was dillydallying and to stop crying because it was making me more annoyed at her..... it got worse and of course I gave in and read another story.
Yesterday I had bought myself a little bedside digital clock thing, she kept playing with it and I told her to be careful that it wasn't for playing and she could look at it if she was careful. So this morning when I was getting ready she dropped it and it went off. I couldn't get it working again and I told her it was broken. She went hysterical. I didn't shout or raise my voice but she knew I was annoyed. I told her to stop the crying, there was nothing I could do that it was broken and I was annoyed as had told her to be careful with it. She kept crying and crying and begging for hugs and kisses.
She seems to go beyond upset when she knows I'm annoyed at her and Its so hard to deal with.
I try not to shout at her but it inevitably happens which only makes the situation worse. I feel like such a shit mum.

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EvaHarknessRose · 27/02/2019 12:05

Two thoughts

the screaming and begging is working, you need to stick to your word and not engage with tactics to prolong bedtime (return her to her room without words apart from bedtime now, calm and authoritative don't keep eye contact or speak further).
do consequences more than being cross (it's ok for her to cry when she's upset that she broke something - that's emotional expression - just tell her the consequence and follow it through eg 'that's 10p off your pocket money to pay for mummy's new clock' and then have a cuddle and carry on as normal

This stuff is really hard and no one reacts 'the right way' but you can learn skills and strategies.

Original poster

Badwifey · 27/02/2019 12:13

Thanks Eva.

I also meant to add that one day we were in my mams. She was making sausages for lunch. DD took a piece of bread while she was waiting and when she went to take a second I shouted at her to wait until the food was on the table. (I know I shouldn't have shouted but she had been up at 5am that morning and I was shattered) Anyway she said "do you hate me mama?"
It broke my heart. I think she feels like I give out to her all the time and I really try not to but she can be hard work some days.
I do know that giving into her screaming is wrong but she'd have screamed the place for half an hour or I could stop it by reading a 5 minute story... it was the easier of the two options.
I have fixed the clock and I'll be showing her the times shes expected to be ready for stories later.

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NWQM · 27/02/2019 12:19

Try not to be too hard in yourself ... it sounds as if you are being. You do need though to risk some ‘scenes’ playing out. Your DC is starting to know exactly how to push your buttons. She needs to be shown that actions have consequences - deliberately delaying bedtime means no story. At the minute she so finding that the action of screaming means that she gets what she wants even if you have already said no. I do think bedtime is a tricky time though - I do kind of think that a five minute story that calmed her is better than hours of screaming and a very late night. I would suggest though that you and your husband agree the strategy. How did he feel about you not backing him up?

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NWQM · 27/02/2019 12:22

P.s yes, you do give out to her all the time. It’s in your job description. No she won’t like it. Yes you need to do it. Clearly though as calmly as you possibly can as actually getting angry isn’t good for either of you. It’s pretty normal though so take heart. She’s pushing your boundaries. When she’s older her skills at doing this may make her a fantastic scientist, amazing teacher or world leader... doesn’t stop it being unreasonable and annoying though when you have been on your feet all day and still have the dishwasher to get on etc.....

Michaelbaubles · 27/02/2019 12:36

I get similar from my DD. “You always say no! You never let me...” and so on and on.

I try to stay calm (easier said than done sometimes) and say “yes. I do say no to you because a mummy’s job is to keep her children safe and healthy and watching too much iPad/eating too many treats/staying too too late isn’t good for you. I wouldn’t be be doing a good job as a mummy if I let you do that.”. Then when she persists I just sort of say “yes, you’re very annoyed. You want to stay up later. It’s bedtime though, so you can’t. I can see you’re cross about it.”

Then go in another room and let off some steam because it winds me up!

Arowana · 27/02/2019 12:54

My DS was similar too - he would get sooo upset about me telling him off, I didn’t shout or anything but he really took it to heart. It’s awful as it means that you dread telling them off, but you also know that you still have to do it

I do think it’s important to follow through with no story if you’ve said no story. They soon learn about empty threats!

Girlinthegarden · 27/02/2019 12:59

I feel for you, I have a 5 year old who is much the same way. Every tactic I used with my older DCs failed with him! He genuinely believes he is hard done by when he has to face the consequences of his actions.

I can't pretend to be an expert because some days I find myself exhausted by it, but my tips would be...

Make routines predictable. Same number of stories etc every night.

You can't give in when you've already said no. Not even once.

Stay calm, don't explain too much if she's not listening, just give a hug if she's upset and carry on about your business.

StormTreader · 27/02/2019 13:07

"I do know that giving into her screaming is wrong but she'd have screamed the place for half an hour or I could stop it by reading a 5 minute story... it was the easier of the two options."

But you see how thats teaching her that screaming until she gets what she wants, works? By holding out for a while and then giving in, you're teaching her that she just hasn't screamed for LONG ENOUGH - she'll keep going because she knows it eventually will work.
Is that the system you want to live by for the next 13 years?

Giving in now feels easier, but you're creating a screaming crying yelling monster you'll have to fight with for literally years - do you think she'll want to stop playing to go to school?

Original poster

Badwifey · 27/02/2019 13:10

God it's so hard at times. I hate to see her sobbing over something so silly.

I did back my husband up in the beginning but he is useless at dealing with her when she's in meltdown and so he accepted my decision to read her one more.
We do try remain consistent with her. She knows that some stories are longer than others so we usually tell her 2 then if she picks two short ones we'll allow her to pick another.
What she doesn't seem to get yet though is that if we read the same story twice then it counts as two and not one!!

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Original poster

Badwifey · 27/02/2019 13:12

I completely get that Storm. I know I've made an error in giving in to her. The longer the screaming goes on for the more I get annoyed with her and the more upset she gets. I find it very hard to switch off and ignore when she gets herself so worked up.

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Deadringer · 27/02/2019 13:17

I used to be like this, hated to see my DC cry, especially my first. Boy did she milk it! She used the sad eyed 'do you hate me mama' as well. Op you need to learn to stick to your guns, in the long run your DD will cry a lot less because it doesn't work, and you will both be a lot happier.

Puddlet · 27/02/2019 13:18

8pm is quite late for a 4 year old in reception? It could be that she's getting overtired and thats making it harder to settle her at bed time. I have a one book policy but lots of parent a are nicer than me 😄

Original poster

Badwifey · 27/02/2019 13:21

She's in playschool Puddlet.

We've had awful issues with sleep over the years and 8 seems to be the magic number. Any earlier and she's up before the sun and any later and she's up before the sun!!

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HammerToFall · 27/02/2019 13:25

Have you looked at therapeutic parenting and back. Strict boundaries but delivered with playfulness acceptance curiosity and empathy. There is a Facebook page, have a look.

funtimespeople · 27/02/2019 13:42

My first is like this. At 4 years I panicked and gave in but learnt the hard way it really doesn't help.

I agree with stick to what you say, ignore the screaming, find some consequences. It will help you both in the longer term if everyone knows where they boundaries are and they can't be pushed.

Daisypod · 27/02/2019 13:46

Sorry what does 'give out to her' mean? Not something I have heard before

cudbywestrangers · 27/02/2019 13:51

We had (And still have) the messing around and running out of time thing with our 5 year old. School suggested using sand timers so we bought a cheap set from Amazon. Once the sand runs out is time to get out of the bath/ stop reading/ lights off or whatever. The other thing I have is alarms set on my phone for leaving the house- first one for brushing teeth then 5 minutes later for shoes and coats and another 5 minutes for leaving house. And rewards for doing things on time/ without messing about. Consistency is key though and the visual or sound prompts just help keep things on track!

Deadringer · 27/02/2019 13:53

Irish people say 'give out' Daisy, it means scold.

MumUnderTheMoon · 27/02/2019 14:18

Well it sounds like she's certainly in charge. My dd is of the same disposition, always negotiating, always trying to delay doing what she has to and she is quiet overly emotional as well. Everyone on my family agrees she would be an utter monster if I wasn't so strict. As it happens strict boundaries have made her a much more secure and happy girl.
You have to say no and mean it, Most parents struggle with this but once you get over the initial week or two it's much easier. Also when you need her to do something do you ask or tell her? Eg can you put your shoes on please? Or it's time to put your shoes on. The first is a question which offers up the option to say no, the second is a fact and can't be argue with.
My dd will negotiate over bed and bath time so I bough Phillips hue light bulbs. The light in her room flashes when it's bed time, and she can't argue with a light bulb. There is also one in the hallway if he gets up in the morning and it isn't on she knows to stay in bed but if it's blue she knows she can be up but in her bedroom, when her bedroom light goes bright it's time to get dressed for school.

EvaHarknessRose · 28/02/2019 22:58

Its tough, Bad, but you’re choosing a ‘quick fix’ which is reinforcing her behaviour. There’s a high chance that a few days of being consistent and she would learn that you mean it. And I agree with pp, she would be happier because it’s super scary being in charge when you are too young to know what’s actually good for you.

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