Bedtime & Morning Routine

[Jenfur]

DS is almost 3 and I'm now dreading bedtimes and mornings because of the issues we have. I'm currently 36 weeks pregnant and struggling so appreciate that my tolerance isn't what it usually would / should be.

DS is very well behaved during the day, occasional expected whinge moment but doesn't really cry or tantrum about anything. Bedtime is supposed to be this lovely unwinding time but he now likes to run off into the next room instead of doing as he's told. Obviously if we go after him, he thinks it's a game and finds it funny, if we stay put, he finds it funny to sneak back and run off again or refuses to come back if we call him etc. The only thing that works is telling him we'll take away one of his teddies if he doesn't come back before we count down from 3 however he can either make this a game by running away again after he's back or finding it almost funny how many toys can be removed.

It's a battle to get him ready for bed - other than running off, he kicks up a stink if we try to undress him but mucks about if we let him do it himself. Same battle for teeth brushing (he's good with them being brushed but mucks about before we can get him to the bathroom) and getting ready to have a story before bed. Once he's in bed, he goes to sleep beautifully, doesn't get out of bed until we get him up etc.

The morning has now become an issue as well. He goes to nursery some mornings and on those days, tells us he doesn't want to get up (after calling and crying to get up), refuses to get dressed and brush his teeth without kicking up a fuss. This last couple of weeks he's suddenly taken to hitting when he's cross which is making everything much worse.

I've read lots about bedtime routines but most of it seems to be issues with toddlers getting out of bed or not settling. We've tried telling him off / encouraging him to be good / giving him an incentive to get ready like an extra story / told him he won't get his normal story if he misbehaves / timeout (especially for hitting but he finds these fun) etc etc. I'm sick of the screaming and just feel it's going to get worse when we have to incorporate a baby at the same time.

Any advice on what we can try and how to get it to be a nice, happy routine?

‘told him he won't get his normal story if he misbehaves’
Do you follow through on threats?

I struggle with punishments too. But when I remove a toy they’re removed for a day. I’ve only ever had to remove 2. If I threaten to not read a story it’s usually at the stage when I know I’m not going to be reading it.
Sometimes I find just going through the routine and ignoring the behaviour is the best thing. Doesn’t work with teeth cleaning as they physically have to be there, but at story time call him, then sit down and read it. If he’s not getting the attention from running away he’ll probably come back and listen. If not then tough, he’s missed his story.

Yeah if we threaten something then we follow through, I just don't like doing it with stories because I think they're a nice way to wind down at the end. Toys are taken away and he either gets them back when he's up in the morning or when he goes upstairs the next day (either at nap time, bedtime or somewhere in the afternoon) - it usually depends on if he mentions it / if we remember that they've been taken.

I did have the same thought with just doing the story without him there and carrying on as normal but haven't tried it yet. Just not sure how to do the rest of it though - as you said, we need him to be there for getting changed and brushing his teeth.

I just don't like doing it with stories because I think they're a nice way to wind down at the end
I agree, but then you can’t use it as a threat.

I have 2 that run riot. I find reading one story to calm them down, then doing the teeth cleaning /toilet/whatever you need to do so they can get another story works (not always but usually which is good enough!). It’s like the first story reminds them that they like them and want another.
And yes to reading it anyway! You feel a bit silly and it didnt work the first few times but now they know I will just keep going and that’s the story over so they tend to scamper in.

Does he have a bath? I do teeth as soon as they get out of the bath. (Pick him up in the towel, then sit him on my lap for teeth). There’s no wriggling out of that one.

Then “when you have your pyjamas on, we can have story”. Keep the door shut so no running away. Or scrap pyjamas- mine like to sleep in just pants.

Have a look at the book "How to talk so little kids will listen". The techniques in here have virtually solved my bedtime struggles. It gives you ideas of how to make it playful and positive whilst still achieving what you want (I.e. pyjamas on, teeth brushed). You don't actually need to read the whole book to make a big difference, just read the first chapter about children's emotions and the second which has the basic strategies in.

This is my DD who is a bit younger. I found durring the first trimester was particularly tricky.

For mornings I made a sticker chart with pictures of what I needed her to do; toliet, breakfast, clothes and teeth. Once she got 10 stickers then she could get a octonought toy.

For evening we brush teeth downstairs before bath and just allow more time for bedtime.

It’s not perfect but it’s helping.

Have you tried just ignoring him when he runs off?

Pick your battles. If he does not want to wear PJs then don’t put them on. DD generally prefers no PJs.

Thanks @newmumwithquestions a story to begin with seems so simple but hadn't even crossed my mind! Definitely going to try this.

@luckiestgirl he doesn't have a bath every night but will try doing teeth straight after.

@bluechameleon I just bought that book on someone's recommendation and started reading it yesterday. It's absolutely right about denying feelings so I'm hoping that I can implement their strategies and crack this.

@Jackshouse we used to do a smiley face chart and then a reward after so many but it didn't really work, I guess because the actual reward was far away. I tried ignoring him at nap time yesterday and eventually he did come back then got put straight to bed (as he was ready anyway), I think it's just harder at night because there's more that he needs to have done before he's ready for bed so ignoring is a long process. He does want to wear PJs - if we just put him to bed without them, I think he'd scream the house down. I'm going to try this though, go through the steps for bedtimes and if he's not there for one of them then he misses it (PJs, story etc).

Thanks all for your advice.

If he is 3 and is being difficult about nap time and bed time then maybe it’s time to drop the nap.

Maybe have a think about the basics of setting the scene.

You’re probably doing it all already, but... turn the lights down around the house. Keep things quiet. Nice cool dark bedroom.

We have intermittent similar problems. I find punishment (removing teddies) is counter productive for us as it just heightens things. Some mild rewards (an extra bit of supper) for being good might help better.

Maybe a safety gate on the bedroom door? I know it’s not ideal, but...

does he know there is a baby on the way.could this be either conscious or not a reason why his increased emotions are happening.especially around going to nursery,being left etc.

@Jackshouse thanks, we give him an opportunity to nap every day but he doesn't fall asleep each time. We're going to try cutting them out every few days and see if he improves at night.

@PaddyF0dder I agree, it heightens things if taking toys away etc. We try to keep things calm at bedroom but it always seems to escalate.

@kateandme he's aware of the baby but doesn't have any actual experience with babies so doesn't really know what it entails, if you know what I mean. I did wonder if this is just for attention out did rebellion or worry over the baby.

We went cold turkey with naps when we were having similar issues. We brought bed time much earlier, the amount of usual nap time + 30 minutes. They still need the same amount of sleep but just as one sleep. Had a quiet time after lunch which I would love to say was reading books but it was often Ceebies (Melody was very good). It took her a couple of weeks to adjust.