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Parenting

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Original poster

DSD money issues

25 replies

brookshelley · 26/02/2019 01:57

DSD is 21 and in university. Her mother and DH jointly pay all her fees, housing costs, etc. but they require her to make a monthly budget with how much she's spending and saving.

She called yesterday in a panic claiming she urgently needs her monthly allowance early. When DH asked her what happened to her Christmas money and other savings, she accused him of not supporting her and hung up. DH was feeling quite bad until DSD's mother texted him to say DSD had pulled the same stunt on her that day. On her Instagram we can see DSD has been skiing and to music festivals. She also unfortunately has friends who are drug users (police have been involved) so DH is worrying a lot about where this money is going. DSD has said in the past that her friends think her parents are wealthy and they often tell her to ask them for money on their behalf.

How do you suggest that DH approach this? He wants to tell her that there are no top ups to the allowance and that she needs to learn how to budget and be responsible. She can't spend money and then expect mum and dad to bail her out. But she is acting quite volatile and manipulative so he doesn't know how to handle it.

OP posts:

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 26/02/2019 02:04

How much does she get? Mentioning her drug using friends is just posturing. What exactly does this have to do with you? Are you paying on behalf of your husband?

Original poster

brookshelley · 26/02/2019 02:06

I'm asking for advice because he couldn't sleep all night and is so stressed and worried about her. He doesn't use online forums. I have small children as do most of my friends so no one to turn to for advice. Not sure why you are being so aggressive.

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HollyBollyBooBoo · 26/02/2019 02:08

She's 21 so needs to learn to budget like we all do. She gets her money and if she chooses to blow it all at once then tough, she has nothing left! No top ups from the parents.

However this works both ways, it's ridiculous asking her to demonstrate where her money goes.

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Original poster

brookshelley · 26/02/2019 02:14

However this works both ways, it's ridiculous asking her to demonstrate where her money goes.

I kind of agree with this. It all seems quite convoluted. If it were me I'd just give her X per month and let her work it out. DH wants to teach her financial responsibility with the budgeting etc. but it's just causing a lot of conflict.

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Smotheroffive · 26/02/2019 02:16

Did you/he I mean help her draw up a budget plan?

You didn't know sshe'd been skiing and to music festivals.

She's is extremely well provided for and loving it up, there is no excuse for her being without money that is criminal!

Leave her to sort herself out, she's treating you really badly behaving like this, it will not help her any to treat you this way and get away with it. She is taking the piss. Leave her be to pull her belt in and learn how to manage on far far less money for the rest of term.

Smotheroffive · 26/02/2019 02:18

I know 18 year olds managing better on less. She can't just magically know how to do this well though.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 26/02/2019 02:19

If I were your DH I'd call her or go and visit her and be really clear about re drawing the financial boundaries. I.e I am giving you £x per month, it's to cover x,y,z, there are no more top ups.

If he's already done a budget with her she knows how much she has spare for spending money after all the bills are paid. She needs to grow up and he needs to help that by not babying her.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 26/02/2019 02:30

So how much are you actually giving her? Paying her fees, accommodation and living costs are expected and totally normal. Are you giving her £250 a week? Or £50, it makes a difference to the responses.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 26/02/2019 02:30

*after rent/tuition fees etc

thefirst48 · 26/02/2019 02:32

I'd give her nothing but money for food is she was really struggling.

Original poster

brookshelley · 26/02/2019 02:37

She gets the equivalent of £700 per month (not in the UK) and tuition fees are paid directly to the university. The budget that she made with DH (they sat down together) showed this is enough for her housing, food, and extra for fun/savings/whatever. She also said she would get a part-time job but hasn't done so.

OP posts:

Cocopops2010 · 26/02/2019 04:45

Is she in the states? £700 a month plus tuition fees is loads!!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 26/02/2019 04:50

Not many uni students can afford to go skiing unless they've got a very well paying part time job.
Her friends think her parents are wealthy? Possibly because she spends youb money like water.

Original poster

brookshelley · 26/02/2019 04:58

Cocopops2010 yes she's in the States.

The issue for DH is now he's having trouble trusting her, because in further chats with her mum it's turning out she's been asking both of them for money for the same reasons and counting on the fact that they don't speak much, to get away with it. So saying she needed books that cost $50 but getting $50 x 2 and not mentioning that the other parent also gave it.

OP posts:

Perty01234 · 26/02/2019 05:39

Wow that’s a lot! I had a part time job at uni as my parents couldn’t afford it. They did give me £50 a month though just to help out.... I think your Dh and his ex need to sit down with DSDwhen she is next back at call her out. No more playing parents off against each other, maybe reduce the payment each month but do her a fortnightly online shop, that way you know she has food in the house. Anything else is a bonus really and she needs to start saving for things she wants!

Original poster

brookshelley · 26/02/2019 09:05

I've chatted with DH and he is going to write DSD an email because every time he tries to speak to her on the phone she starts crying and won't listen to him. He's going to say that she's broken the trust between them by lying to him and ex. He will continue the monthly allowance but that's it - she needs to manage it on her own from now on.

DH says she got almost $1,000 in Christmas money from her grandparents so now I'm really quite shocked that she's claiming to be broke in February - as this was in addition to her normal monthly allowance. This is so irresponsible of her and to guilt DH and her mum playing them off each other is quite poor. I hope it's just a phase as she's a really great girl...again as mentioned (and I was accused of "posturing") we are worried about her group of friends.

OP posts:

missminimum · 26/02/2019 09:20

As others have said, she needs to learn to budget and know that she has to make decisions to live within her means. If not she will do this for the rest of her life. It is a tough lesson that some of her friends maybe able to afford to do stuff and she can't, but that is the real world. She must not be allowed to play one parent off against the other. If sye has been skiing and to music festivals she is being extravegent and needs to understand what the money her parents give her is to be used for, anything else nneeds to be paid out of money she earns.If concerned she is going to be stuck maybe sending a supermarket voucher will means she can feed herself, even if she has no money in the bank

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 26/02/2019 09:29

She just asked for her monthly allowance early?

So it should be being paid on Friday, but she wanted it yesterday?

I mean it’s not ideal but it’s not that uncommon. If it was the first time I’d go along with it.

Original poster

brookshelley · 26/02/2019 10:47

It’s not the first time and it’s also the way she acting. Sending texts saying she has no money and it’s an emergency (which she sends to DH and ex) and if DH asks well what happened this month she starts crying and saying he’s accusing her.

OP posts:

Smotheroffive · 26/02/2019 20:10

Tbh, and I think you all know now, she actually is completely taking the piss. She has a very generous allowance and is not learning how to be self sufficient, and is completely untrustworthy. She has screwed you all over and laughing all the way to the festivals and ski trips.

Getting through 1k since Christmas on top of allowances is absolutely crazy. I would suspect drugs, especially given her emotional and manipulative state.

To ensure she has a roof over her head and food to eat, I would be paying the accommodation direct, and place the food orders, and cut her spare cash to barely nothing until she learns to live frugally, you can trust her again, and she appreciates the value of money.

She needs to learn the basics, trust, honesty and basics of simple budgetting. Did she come home at christmas? Was she on track then?

Demand invoices also, for any future payments (which should easily be covered by the allowance anyway)

Smotheroffive · 26/02/2019 20:13

She should be putting an amount by each month so she has a cushion financially also. She really doesn't have an excuse for chowing through £000's since Christmas!

Original poster

brookshelley · 28/02/2019 07:51

DH emailed her a very measured message saying he loves and supports her but that he is going to give her money once a month on the fixed date, and if she runs out before the next month she has to manage - no more SOS calls. I honestly thought it was well worded and much kinder than I would be if it was my DCs taking the piss like this.

DSD sent a snippy reply picking out one line of his email saying she found it hurtful (he'd said "Please don't treat your mother and me like an ATM and contact us regularly, not only when you need money" because she can go weeks without texting or calling until she has a cash flow problem). No apology for lying about where the money has gone or acknowledging that she's been irresponsible.

OP posts:

Holidayshopping · 28/02/2019 09:40

Well done to your DH-this will help her in the long run.

TigerQuoll · 28/02/2019 21:13

Not helpful but....when my mum was 21 she had a 1 year old and was 6 months pregnant with twins, having to chop firewood out in the snow to keep the stove going if she wanted to be able to eat a hot lunch and not freeze to death

If I were in your shoes I'd be tempted to tell her to get a job, or if she isn't allowed to work because of visa conditions then paying all her bills directly and giving her much, much less allowance (the bare amount needed for food and books, not enough for any fun).

HappyGoGoLucky · 28/02/2019 21:23

21 years old and still getting pocket money? I think it is about time she got off her backside and get a part time job to fit around uni, or start budgeting like the rest of us do/had to.

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