Is it true what they say about bonding?

[oneplusone]

I saw on a tv programme a while ago someone saying that if you dont bond instantly with your baby sometimes you never bond and it's been playing on my mind ever since.

I have dd nearly 4 and ds 14 months and it's really since I had ds that I have slowly and scarily come to the realisation that whilst I love my dd very much, I don't feel very, or at all 'bonded' or connected with her. And this lack of a bond is very noticeable now as I do feel a bond with ds. It's quite hard to explain as I love them both to bits, but with ds, as well as the love I do feel a connection which I think is just not there with dd and with hindsight I realise probably never has been there. Without going on too much, I did have PND after having DD and I know that can interfere with the bonding process.

It really worries me, especially as dd gets older and it makes me think about my own childhood as I've never been close to my mum and I wonder now whether she never felt a bond with me. She was always closer to my younger sisters and I never have been and probably never will be close to her which I find upsetting. I'm really worried that somehow dd might pick up on how I feel, as kids are so quick to pick up on these things, although I don't consciously treat her any differently to ds and I don't want her to grow feeling like I did about my mum.

Have any of you had a similar experience and do you have any tips on how to overcome this problem?

It was pretty difficult to physically bond with both my ds's as they were in special care for 4 and 3 weeks respectively, so couldn't bf or even hold them for more than a couple of mins at a time.

Didn't make the slightest difference, long term, both well and truly bonded when they eventually came home.

I would try to put the past away and focus on the little girl she is now. Spend some time together, do things she wants to do, lots of cuddles etc.

I do spend lots of time with her, playing etc, but sometimes I find myself looking at her and thinking can she really be mine, she looks nothing like me which perhaps has something to do with it whereas ds definately takes after my side of the family.

It's not as bad as it sounds I suppose, I guee also the lack of one to one time with her due to ds and her starting kindergarten hasn't helped either.

i struggled to bond with ds after a very traumatic labour but found skin to skin contact helped loads. can you try and spend some special one one time with her, without her little brother there, or have a bath together, go swimming, give her a massage or paint her toenails or something?

I really think that once you have a second dc you forget that they both do actually need exclusive time. I only realised this recently with ds1 (now 5) when I happened to go shopping alone with him and I felt that we both needed to spend time with just each other. I can't really explain it but it created a better connection. It was a bit of a revelation for me. He seemed to be a different person when he was alone with me.

I think that TV programme is talking arse.

I don't know if the way you feel about your daughter is necessarily a 'problem' that needs to be overcome. Don't analyse your relationship with her too much, just enjoy the little person she is and have faith that you're doing the best you can for her as her mum. The very fact that you're worried about this shows how much you love her and how concerned you are that she should have the most secure upbringing possible. It might be that as she gets older, you find you relate to her more. I've felt closest to my own mum from my teenage years onwards - it's only then I think we began to understand each other properly.

Thank you lazyemma and saadia, what you've said is true. And it's true about the one to one time, I have very occasionally spent a day out alone with DD and she is a different person and we both enjoyed it a lot. I'm going to try and take her out on day trips alone during the summer hols, provided I can find someone to mind ds.

That's part of the problem, I have no help at all during the week, it's just me and the kids all day, DH leaves for work early in the morning and gets home after kids are in bed, so I am pretty much stressed all day with the kids, housework, etc etc and it's rare that I have the time to just play with the kids and have fun. If we're out in the garden for example, I'd like to pay more attention to DD but because DS is still so young I have to watch him all the time or he'll start eating the gravel and going for all the shrubs with spikes and thorns etc etc and DD kind of gets left to her own devices.

I'd like to do more things with DD like baking, arts and crafts but I seem to be hopeless at keeping DS occupied to give me time alone with DD. He will sit in the highchair for all of 2 minutes before screaming to get out, if I let him roam around the room sooner or later he's tugging at me and he basically won't leave me alone for longer than about 5 minutes which I know is normal but it makes it very difficult to do things with DD.

I'm trying to find a part time nanny for the holidays so I can have a break and also so she can mind DS and DD and I can go off out for the day. I've tried to find a childminder but it has proved impossible to find someone just for the summer holidays.

But thanks for your comments, I feel better just reading them.

Take care

x