Is this 'normal' 5 year old behaviour?

[MumUndone]

My DS is 5 today and what should have been an enjoyable day really wasn't, for him or for DH and me, as we have constantly been telling him off.

Thing is, I'm not sure if the way he behaves is normal, if he just happens to be particularly hard work, or if there's more to it.

DS doesn't sit still, ever, except to play games on his tablet, and even then figits constantly, i.e. wiping his mouth, scratching, adjusting clothes, changing position etc. TV doesn't keep his attention for long and neither do toys, he always has to be physically active. It is utterly exhausting as we can never do quiet activities, he needs constant stimulation and can't / won't play on his own. He will concentrate, and is a good reader for example, but only for very short bursts.

He is terrible at listening, and I frequently have to remind him to give me his attention, and then ask him to repeat what I've just said. He also ignores requests until we get cross with him. Today I had to put several new toys away as a punishment for not listening / ignoring me (I did warn him of this consequence). We've tried a reward chart too, but it doesn't seem to make any lasting difference.

He's very moody, and difficult to get on with - answers back, has excuses for any bad behaviour, whinges, contradicts etc. Also not good with personal space (other people's) and lacks awareness of where he is physically in relation to others, resulting in accidental bumps and kicks etc.

Does the above sound like a 'normal' 5 year old boy? I've considered ADHD, sensory issues etc.but maybe I'm reading into it too much. It's just that I find being around him so difficult, the constant figiting and bring unable to sit still, the need for attention etc., though I really try not to let him see this.

Mumundone, I hope someone comes along soon who will be able to give you some advice.
I have issues with my 5 year old, not so much the fidgeting but the personal space thing and moodiness, always wanting to be in control/not like being told what to do. I am waiting to see how things play out as she doesn't tick all of the boxes for pda etc. but to say I stress about her is an understatement, whilst my dh doesn't think that there is an issue. I feel quite isolated sometimes and then I hear other children having melt downs etc. and think, perhaps this is typical for a 5 year old. My older dd did display some of these traits but not dd2's extent which is why I am concerned about her. You could run it past your GP perhaps? Has school commented? I have not had enough negative feedback from school to say that there is an issue in dd's case, although dd has had a meltdown at school and is described as bossy, I am concerned how any of her potential friendships will play out if she is unable to curb this tendency. It's difficult to know which way to turn, hopefully, someone will come along soon with some more advice.

Thanks Lavender, I'm the same really - waiting it out to see if it gets better or worse, and the fact there doesn't seem quite enough for it to be a 'proper' problem. Though every age so far we've made excuses, he's only two, only three, only four. You're right, I should talk to the GP and take it from there.

He was on a sort of reward chart at school a couple of months ago to improve his behaviour, which seems to have done the trick, but at home it's just getting worse.

My son is 6. He can zone out for tv but otherwise sounds very similiar. Constant constant talking, moving etc. He hardly walks, mainly runs or jumps loudly from one room to another. He is always grabbing at one of us, he likes to just stand next to us and headbut us in the stomach/leg/backside.
My son is 6 though and his teachers haven’t complained in school. I see his behaviour as quite normail. Just very energetic

Has your boy started school? Is concentration a problem there?

Hi fullprice, thanks for the reply. School haven't complained about concentration as such, though there was a blip with his behaviour that was solved with a reward chart. We didn't actually get much communication about this so I think it was a fairly low level, run of the mill type thing as far as his teacher was concerned, in response to silliness, not listening properly etc.

Maybe it's just me - I'm not very good with stress, and I do find the constant demands, noise, movement and confrontation very stressful.

Any tips on how to make 5 year olds listen, and do as they're told??

If he is sensory seeking, have you tired giving him lots of movement before you want to do a quiet activity? Maybe have him jump on the trampoline for 20 minutes then come in for a book?

Another thing you could try is deep pressure, so things like a weighted blanket, or having him lay on the floor and squish him (not too hard!) with an exercise ball to relax.

I would research sensory issues and see what you can try at home. Alternatively you could see if there is an independent Occupational Therapist who could come in and do a sensory assessment and give you things to try at home.

I always found mine were better after a good amount of time outdoors-running, jumping and climbing. They needed hours of it. They could then listen and be a lot calmer . In the holidays if I hadn't got them outside by 10am they were a nightmare and then again later in the afternoon. Running, rough and tumble , jumping and climbing are ways of stimulating the vestibular and proprioceptive systems which really helps them learn to self regulate

Thanks Rosie and flippit, yes we do try to get him outside as often as possible, and have a trampoline too. Unfortunately, even when he's clearly very tired, he still won't sit and relax.

Maybe it's just me - I'm not very good with stress, and I do find the constant demands, noise, movement and confrontation very stressful.

This is me too. Whereas dh has a much higher stress tolerance and doesn't worry about confrontation either inside or outside of the house. I care about what other people think, despite saying to myself that I don't, and I don't think this helps. DD2 has been challenging since a very young age and like you, I have always passed it off as a phase but it does make going out most places difficult and fraught. It has got marginally better since those pre-school days but I am always wondering when the next melt down might occur.

There is a book called how to talk so kids listen, I haven't read it in a while but dh seems to think there is some useful stuff in there. The problem for me is that I now have a baby to look after which makes going out anywhere other than the park on my own, a nightmare - dc2 is more challenging than the other two dcs put together at the moment.

He's five. All sounds relatively normal behaviour apart from the not playing on his own but maybe he does a bit more if it than normal if you see what I mean. It could be attention seeking. Try giving him lots of positive attention when you have one one time and then when it's time to play on his own ( when you need to get tea ready for example) don't try and direct him or give him set activities just tell him to play and crack on. If he just sits there let him. If he whined that he is bored have a job lined up for him ( wash up plastic dishes/ put clothes in the washing machine/ set the table/ 'sweep' the floor) just little things five year olds should be able to do. Mine usually decide at this point that actually they would like to play by themselves 😂

My ds was/is like this. One thing we found with the not listening when he was small was that he had glue ear and needed grommets. So get his ears looked at to rule that out as we constantly told him off for not listening when he actually couldn’t hear us.
As for the fidgeting my son is still like that and I still don’t know what to do about it and he’s 9 now.

Thanks all. Butterfly, we had his hearing checked a few months ago so it's not that, but thanks for the suggestion.

He has needed constant attention since he was born, has never been willing to play by himself, though he is able to, for instance when he doesn't want to be getting ready for bed! So it's about wanting attention for sure - though that doesn't explain the constant figiting and movement. It's difficult to explain but he just seems to have so much more energy than any of his friends, there's just no off switch, ever. Good idea about giving him something less desirable to do if he says he's bored, I will try that Redwine.

Lavender, I actually have that book and we're trying a few techniques, hopefully we'll see some improvement.

Have you tried fidget toys?

Spinners, begleri (but the soft ones!) the wooden puzzle things that are on a stretchy bit of cord, soft toys with tags, stress balls?

And if you can, try a totally different response to your normal one. If you normally raise your voice, don't. If you normally put toys away as a punishment try a different one, like a time out.

It's ridiculous but sometimes I tell my five year old that I know how difficult it is to be 5, (ha!) and that I understand, and that I love him very much but could we just get our shoes on now with no fuss? Instead of shouting or repeating myself, I take a couple of minutes to go through this with him whilst having a cuddle. It sounds totally wanky, but I prefer it to me sounding like a deranged fish wife.

Yes, my son was very similar at that age. I remember how tiring it was, so you have my sympathy.

It would be unusual not to have some bad behaviour on a 5th Birthday ime!

I would concentrate on getting a good routine with plenty of regular sleep, limiting screen time especially after 5pm and lots of daily exercise outdoors if possible, of course healthy eating, no sugar highs from fizzy drinks and sweets!

As often as you can try playing with him one on one for 10 mins to half an hour where he completely leads the play and you FOLLOW his lead. Also physical play like wrestling with a parent is really good.

Lots of kids cannot follow more than one instruction at once.