What are you like when you're annoyed by your kids?

[ionlylovemybedandmymama]

Just curious what's 'normal' in other people's houses, and what you consider an ok way to talk to kids. I had a difficult childhood and so sometimes I feel I need to consider behaviour so things aren't repeated.

If your kids were being naughty for instance or mucking around when they should be going to bed, and you end up getting annoyed - is saying 'you're annoying me' or 'get out of my sight' a horrible thing to say? Is it damaging or quite normal to tell your kids they're being annoying?

I try to refer my feelings to their behaviour eg. It is not nice to throw, it is naughty to hit...not you are being horrid/naughty whatever. So addressing the behaviour rather than 'name Calling' (not saying you do this!). Never swear at DC. And try where possible to model behaviour I want, so when they are escalating to speak calmly and softly to help bring them down. That being said I am still strict, don't let them get away with much and use time out as necessary.

I had a horrible shouty (and physically/emotionally abusive) childhood so am feeling my way too.

Thanks @KatnissMellark

Is 'I need you to go to bed and get out of my sight' emotionally abusive?

Or 'you're driving me crazy'.

I wouldn't say emotionally abusive but it sounds a bit unnecessarily aggressive/emotive. 'Get out of my sight' doesn't strike me as something you say when you are calm and in control of your feelings, I imagine (perhaps wrongly) it being said in a shouty way. I'm by no means a super soft attachment-style modern parent but it's something I'd try to avoid I think. That being said if behaviour is terrible, a (very rare) shout may be effective, however if you're doing it all the time and they're not listening, something might need to change.

How are DC reacting to you? If you shout/say things like the above, does it work or do they mirror your emotions and the situation gets worse?

How do you feel afterwards? If bad, maybe that's telling you something.

Would you be embarrassed to be overheard?

Just things to thing about.

Parenting is hard, especially when you were patented badly yourself. The fact you are reflecting on it shows you are doing a better job than was done for you

The other night I said 'you're driving me crazy' and then afterward I thought shit, was that really horrible. My kids aren't little, pre teen.

I tried to reflect on my own childhood but I don't remember much of what my own mum said. She wasn't shouty. My step dad was a prick. However my mum wasn't super affectionate either so there wasn't a lot of hugs, I love you's or encouragement either. There also wasn't a lot of attention on school work or activities or just attention on my personal development at all. I had my medical needs met, I wasn't neglected in that sense.
But for instance I was never signed up to sport or activities because I never knew those things existed.

So I've tried to do the opposite in that sense. I pay attention and I'm affectionate. I just don't want to fuck things up by repeating things were done to me, and not realising until I've actually done it. If that makes any sense!

I definitely feel bad if I shout. I didn't shout 'you're driving me crazy' but I have shouted to go to bed or to stop doing something. Dc don't like being shouted at and generally do as they're told but will be annoyed at me after and will be grumpy until I apologise and we have a hug. Dh is stricter than me and doesn't seem to be as concerned by the odd shout as his family are loud (but they're like a big, loud, shouty family not an abusive one).

Shouting in the context of a loving secure family is different to shouting in an emotionally fragile situation.

It sounds like you're doing fine.

I think it is ok to lose your temper from time to time and shout in a controlled way. By that I mean not swearing or making the kids frightened, but something like "go to your room right now or it will be no TV tomorrow". Perhaps teacher shouting is a better way to describe it.

Shouting isn't great but at the same time I think kids need to realise that people have boundaries and if they are constantly misbehaving people will get cross.

I have a few friends who are very right on and softly softly with their kids. The kids are very badly behaved and don't respect other people's boundaries, they make parties etc a nightmare as they need constant reminders not to do this or that.

I should also confess at this point that I shout at my kids most bedtimes and I feel really bad about it, i am always trying to find new ways to improve it.

I’d feel really hurt if someone said to me “you’re annoying me” or “you’re driving me crazy” or something like that. So I wouldn’t say it to my kids.

I tend to say things like “I can feel myself getting cross now because I’ve already asked you to get ready for bed and you still haven’t”. I think it’s kinder to make it about their behaviour and not about them as a person. And I think it’s massively important to be kind to your children.

I agree luckiestgirl about being kind. I also think it is important to teach how children how to make amends. If as a parent you never make a mistake then you will never get to show your kids how you make it better. The other day my DS hit his brother and when I went to tell him off he said mummy I feel ashamed and wish I didn't do it now. I was really struck by that, as a child I would never have said anything like that. It would have been denial all the way

I able to be calm to a point and then I just seem to just shout with no warning which I'm trying to work on. I have a two year old and a four year old. I don't find them that naughty, they are really well behaved most of the time. Four year old really pushes my buttons sometimes with basically being very very demanding and stubborn and most of the time when I feel like I'm about to shout I try and give her a warning that I'm about to shout and then if she persists I calmly take her to her room to think about what she's done. Then I wait a bit and go in, cuddle her and explain why I did it. Most of the time. I failed a bit earlier on this and shouted and stormed off to have a cry. So I'm a work in progress. I think I've told her to get a grip once, I used to say shut up on occasion until they started to copy me and I realised how ugly it is. I often tell her to stop being ridiculous which I know I shouldn't. I'm human and I have my limit and I make mistakes. I try not to beat myself up to much.