Very difficult sibling relationship `

[SpawnChorus]

I'm feeling really stumped and sad at the moment about my two DSs relationship. Here's a quick(?) sketch of the situation:

I have DD(14), DS(12), and DS(9). DS1 has always found DS2 difficult to get along with. They have very different personalities. DS1 is quite quiet, bookish, serious, stickler for rules. DS2 is very loud, physically "full on", has no compunction about winding people up on purpose. He's also "gender non-conforming" which I know DS1 finds embarrassing (eg DS2 likes wearing skirts, playing with "girly" things, etc).

We live in a 3 bed flat, and the DSs share a large room. They each have a high double bed, so there's space underneath one for a desk and chairs, and under the other for a little sofa and TV. We have a rule that "beds are sacred", by which we mean that no one may ever go on another person's bed without permission (this is to give the DSs a sense of having there very own space, even though they share a room).

Anyway, DS1 absolutely cannot stand DS2 at the moment, and with them sharing a room this is causing so much tension. This morning DS1 had a complete melt down, ostensibly because DS2 was singing while getting ready for school. DS2 has form for singing "on purpose" to wind DS1 up, but he also is just a bit of a hummer. I feel it's unreasonable to ban singing (which is one of the many things DS1 wants!).

DS1 was in floods of tears, and was screaming into the sofa and punching it, saying how much he hates DS2. I tried to let him know that it's okay to feel really furious, and that his way of venting it was actually pretty good. I was glad that he wasn't lashing out at DS2. DS1 at that point said he wanted to kill DS2, and that he wished he didn't exist.

I just feel really stuck with how to help them get on, or at least how to help DS1 feel more resilient to the irritations of his younger brother. On the one hand I've been trying to think of solutions to the room sharing (move to a bigger house? Can't afford it. Decant a child to the sitting room? Various reasons why this would be horrible. Swap DD and DS1? Again, a number of reasons why this would be difficult).

I also keep coming back to a feeling that DS1 needs to recognise that life is sometimes a bit crap, and sometimes you just have to make the best of the situation. Many siblings in the city we live in share rooms, and he just needs to deal with it. Does that sound unreasonable? I honestly don't know. I also suspect that a non-room-sharing set up wouldn't be a solution to this problem...I'm pretty sure he would find plenty of other opportunities to hate DS2.

Anyway, please oh please does anyone have any advice?

You can’t change who your DC are. They have their own personalities and they clash. ‘DS1 was in floods of tears ... screaming into the sofa and punching it, saying how much he hates DS2’ is caused by your DS1 having no peace or escape from his brother. The more time they are forced to spend together, the more every little thing about your DS2 will wind up your DS1.

You say your DS2 offers ‘olive branches’ that your DS1 refuses. You can insist that your DS1 isn’t rude to your DS2 but you can’t force him to like his brother or spend time with him. When does your DS1 get time to himself? Do you do anything when your DS1 wants peace and your DS2 keeps bothering him?

Hmm, just tried to post a photo of the bedroom to show how difficult it would be to partition (as far as I can see!) but it disappeared.

I'm just not sure how true it is that DS1 gets no escape or peace from DS2 (although it certainly feels that way to DS1!). They currently go to different schools (high school and primary). DS1 has three/four activities a week that take him out of the house, one of which is a solitary activity. DS2 only has one activity, which coincides with DS1 being out. My past experience of increasing hobbies for DS2 is that he gets over tired and his behaviour worsens. I think I will give it another go though.

When we're all at home, DS1 and DS2 will mostly occupy themselves with different activities, often in different rooms (eg one in the bedroom, one in the sitting room). It's really only at mealtimes, and bedtime / waking up time that they're "forced" to be in the same room.

If he has alone time then are there regular flash points? Is it worse in the mornings on a school day? When they’re hungry? When your DS1 is stressed? You can’t magic up an extra bedroom and if this is happening over breakfast then curtaining off some of the bedroom won’t necessarily help.

Worst times are in the mornings before school, and in the evenings after dinner, especially when clearing up the kitchen... DS1 feels that DS2 doesn't do his fair share. (We do have slightly different expectations of them due to the age difference).

After dinner, could they alternate days? So they’re not together in the kitchen at the same time? Before school maybe one getting dressed while the other has breakfast? If your DS1 is expected to do more because he’s older, which is fair, does he get the benefits of being older too like staying up later or more spending money?

Could you and DH swap rooms with the boys?

I'm guessing your room is bigger, so it would be easier to partition for the boys to share.

Could they eat breakfast at different times?
Eg 7am - ds1 eats breakfast in pajamas
- ds2 washes and dresses upstairs
Then swap

I agree with a pp about them alternating the cleaning of the kitchen. You can then mop up the bits ds2 can't do

It does seem like inviting more trouble expecting them to cooperate in the kitchen - I'd be picking my battles more carefully! Are you and DH both up in the mornings too? Maybe one of them could use your room to get ready in?

Really appreciate these ideas! I think separate breakfast/dressing times and cleaning up times will definitely help.

The boys have the biggest bedroom, so no advantage in switching rooms with me.

DS2 does have privileges as well as responsibilities, eg he has his own bank card for spending money, he has some freedom re: visiting friends/walking around the neighbourhood, he also has his own laptop etc, however he and DS2 kind of have the same bed time (9ish, but DS1 can read until later).

Perhaps I could let DS1 stay up later in the sitting room (DH and I go to bed at 9 so he'd have the room to himself).

OP could you possibly do something along the lines of a bunk divider to create two rooms in one?

That's pretty cool!!