12 Yr old not eating, eating disorder?

[Bingcankissmyass]

My 12 Yr old dd has always been as skinny as a rake, literally skin and bones. She's always been a bit of a fussy eater but will try new foods after some insisting. The past 6 months she's taken to not eating breakfast (even after begging/pleading /arguing with her) I'm lucky if she has a bite of a pear or apple. And guaranteed she hasn't eaten her packed lunch at school, either chucking it in the bin in our kitchen or hiding it in her room (I've then found piles of mouldy sandwiches) Fast forward to dinner time she'll have a fork full or two then say she's not hungry /had enough/feels sick. We've sat and chatted about the importance of eating, asked if anyone has said anything about her weight (I used to be as skinny when I was her age, got called all sorts including fat pig!) she said no one has said anything to her. She doesn't get money to take to school and buy food there, so unless she's taking money from friends every day and stuffing herself there I don't know what to do! Do I take her to the Dr's? I don't even have scales to weigh her on. What I don't want is to put the eating disorder idea in her head! Any advice would be greatly appreciated 😊

Hi, do you think by any chance someone’s complimented her for how slim she is and she’s now not eating because she’s scared of putting on weight incase they no longer think this?

I know it sounds random but I had an eating disorder for about 4 years when I was 13-17 and when I really started losing the weight I’d get compliments, in turn making it worse as I’d feel the pressure to keep going and not embarsss myself by putting the weight on. Terrible mindset but true.

Could you maybe reassure her her metabolism is fast and she’s growing so she literally needs the food to maintain her weight, it’s a tricky one; whatever anyone said to me I didn’t listen until I ended up binging on food and eventually putting weight back on that way.

I would take her to the gp ASAP. If she is eating as little as you suspect, I think she sounds very ill..

Forgot to add really hope your daughter is ok! Perhaps it could be something silly like a challenge between her and her mates seeing who can eat the least in a day (not saying by any means this is healthy and would obviously need nipped in the bud if it were the case) but at 12 you’re still so young and it’s the kind of crap we did!

Is she having periods? That can be a good indicator of being too thin.

Please take her to the GP. She may not feel ready to admit to you or herself that she has an ed but sometimes it can be easier when put in a medical context.

Thanks everyone 😊 I'm just at a loss! When she's asked why she's not eating she replies that she just not hungry or doesn't feel like eating 😣 i even started getting her to make her own sandwiches, with whatever she wanted on them, but they ended up in 'the pile' too! I think I will definitely make an appointment with the gp, maybe the reality of being told by a medical professional will make her realise she needs to eat.
itslikerainonyourweddingday no, no sign of periods yet (love your name btw!)
discobabe98 ugh I remember some of the stupid crap I did at 12 😣😂

My DD is 11 and is similar- poor appetite and tendency to food dodge at every opportunity. I think it's stress related in her case, as she started secondary school in September and is having a really hard time. She has crippling anxiety at the moment so I think that's killed her appetite. She always insists she not hungry, she feels sick etc etc.

I'm afraid I handle it by being very strict with her. I insist on 3 meals a day, and she must eat a reasonable amount. It's hard, and sometimes she's sat there for an hour, very slowly eating a fairly small meal (1 sausage, mash and veg for example). I stay with her whilst she's eating to keep her company. I try to ignore the drama as much as possible.

Obviously I'm not there to insist she eats at school, but if her packed lunch comes home untouched, she eats it when she gets in.

Obviously she's only 11 and of an age where it's fairly easy to insist on meal times. I know it's gets harder when they're a teenager, and they get sneaker. I just know you need to nip this is the bus early, the longer a person goes eating very little, the harder it is to change their behaviour around food

I had crippling anorexia throughout my teens and early 20s. Started when I was about 10 when I started hiding food in my bedroom. I was a super skinny child and picked on relentlessly for it. Instead of trying to gain weight I instead developed an unhealthy relationship with trying to stay as skinny as possible.

While it can be a nightmare to draw attention to weight and can often validate eating disordered feelings - ie the more you hear you’re too thin, the more likely you are to maintain the behaviour. Definitely try and keep a scale free house. I’d also say to monitor behaviour rather than weight at this stage. Insist on a weigh in at GP if she seems to be losing too much (she’s at an age where she should be rapidly gaining) but focus on attempts to restrict intake/bathroom visits after meals/exercise/obsession with food etc. If she does indeed seem to be going down the ED path, if you can possibly afford it, scrape together enough money to see a private counsellor/therapist. In my rather long and extensive experience, I think if I’d been helped quicker I may have avoided inpatient admissions, hospital visits and the inevitable health problems that come as a result of eating disorders. I found and as do a great many teens and adults with eating disorders, by the time you are eventually treated by specialist services it tends to be past crisis point and the behaviours are much too entrenched.

I hope I haven’t worried you, your dd May well be totally fine and it could just be an unhealthy and difficult phase. Far too many young girls (boys too) suffer for far too long and at great personal and social cost. Hope you’re ok

I would think a GP trip is in order to be honest.. even just for your reassurance

as someone who has previously had an ED I would definitely say take her to dr, but also maybe contact BEAT (previously the eating disorders association) as they may well have info/support for carers as well as sufferers.
Not sure not having periods is a sign at 12 , unless she had already started then stopped. My DD is 12 and put on weight and showing many signs of puberty but hasn't yet started periods. (I started periods at 14, before I had an ED, but they stopped at 17 for 7 years until I had recovered to a healthy weight.)

Please do take her to see your GP asap and ask for help, much better to get in there sooner than wait until the behaviours are entrenched (bitter voice of personal experience).

I would also say give the gp as much info about behaviour as well as weight loss, as possible. When my mum first took me to the gp as she suspected an ED, they dismissed it and I felt justified in continuing to restrict food because the dr seemed unconcerned. (this was obviously many years ago, hopefully they are more clued up now)

Yes good point as the weight is not the main issue, its the odd behaviour and secrecy etc.
Could you speak to the GP without your DD there and then have a joint appt?

My DD is 12, and when she was between 9 and 11 she had a massive growth spurt and was permanently hungry. He growth has slowed down recently, and she eats a tiny amount compared to what she did this time last year, but it's because she doesn't feel as hungry any more. So if she seems to have a basically ok attitude to food and easy more after doing lots of exercise or have times when she feels more hungry, then it might be that. If there really does seem to be secrets and sgame around food then I'd be more concerned.

Hi,

I’m mum of a girl with anorexia so your post rings massive alarm bells. Yes take her to your doctor ASAP, let school know you are concerned and above all, truly, make her eat. She needs a lot of calories at this age, eating disorder or not she needs food for her health.

I’m happy to chat by PM, but an eating disorder is something I’d wish on no parent, so please jump on it as the sooner she gets help the better.

The treatment for anorexia is food anyway before any therapy. Lack of adequate nutrition will soon lead to other symptoms regardless of the reason for not eating. Good luck and don’t hesitate to pm if you wish.