Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Emotionally fragile DD16 curious about biological parent

4 replies

Toddlerandteenagermum · 18/02/2019 11:08

DD16 has been brought up my myself and DH. She’s never known any other parent but has always known DH isn’t biologically hers, we didn’t want her to feel lied to at any point and resent us. I’ve been honest with her but have only given her basic facts. DH has always made it clear he loves her enough to be by her side no matter what. The truth is really grim and I’m 100% sure she can’t cope with it at this stage. She’s had a really difficult few years with school and we’re now a few months away from her exams. She’s seen the school counsellor a few times and I’ve been told to keep a very close eye on her, suicide has come up. I found a letter in her bag “to him” with all these questions. Why he left her and does he care etc. I’m not sure how to handle it. He was a horrible man that brainwashed and abused me throughout our relationship and even after. Following advice from police I moved home and have done everything I can to give her a good life. But I understand she feels like something is missing, in her head it’s a glorified reality which really doesn’t exist. Any advice would be really appreciated. I want to help her, I want to make her understand but only when she can cope with it.

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 18/02/2019 11:18

I would do everything I could to get her to 'park' the issue until after GCSEs. No good will come of opening the box now.

Then in the summer, maybe some private counselling if you can afford it and give her more than just 'basic' facts? Could your parents or friends help you with explaining stuff?

(I'm an adopter with 2 teens, and agree it is very hard to know how much info to give and when, etc.)

Toddlerandteenagermum · 18/02/2019 11:32

@TenTimesTwo thank you for responding. That’s exactly my thinking too. I don’t want to be dismissive but her GCSE’s are so important and we’ve worked so hard to get her this far.
Maybe it would be better to sit down in the summer once exams are over.
My parents and friends are really supportive but to be honest I don’t think I need help explaining it as such. It’ll just be so horrific to hear. He beat me before and during my pregnancy, he had me arrested for something I didn’t do (obviously I was cleared), I saw things I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy through his crime and drug activity. I’m pretty sure I was being drugged for most of our relationship. I was young and stupid and only got out with support from my friends, parents and police when I was pregnant.
How can I validate her feelings without breaking her heart and soul?

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 18/02/2019 12:20

I guess my reason for suggesting friends/family to be 'on standby' or whatever is she may reject what you say, and she may need to hear supporting info from other people.

I guess up to now she knows at least that he used to be violent towards you?

We go with stuff like:

  • yes you get genetics like height, looks etc
  • but no your personality is your own, made from your experiences and your choices^ - you won't be violent just because birth dad was.
  • DH loves you and it doesn't matter he isn't genetically related. he is the one that has been there fore you all your life.
  • we don't know why some people turn out nasty, maybe they had poor parenting themselves, maybe there were drugs/alcohol (easier to explain if there were). But you are a nice person.
  • yes there were some good things about him - x/y/z (even if it was just his smile, or something).

I would advise her against contact until she is in a strong and stable place and an adult as it would be emotionally difficult.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 18/02/2019 12:29

Maybe getting rid of any notion he was nice would be a way forward? She is old enough to know more than the basics now.My dd didn't see her df from 2-21. His choice. I never bad mouthed him as he wasn't bad just useless, but she was in full facts upon 'the chat'.
I would not keep the details you have if she is hankering after a df who simply doesn't exist.
If she is in a bad way now, maybe see a therapist together to get it all out in the open.
My dd had no regrets about not having a df as she was more than happy with one fab parent!! Her words.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page