6 year old dd help!

[Cupoftchaiagain]

Really struggling with my 6 yr old dd. She flares up quickly shouts and yells, tells me to shut up, get out, hits and kicks me.
Recently it's escalated and she has now hit her little sister a couple of times which she hadn't before. I feel totally exasperated, so angry and pretty hopeless about how we have gotten to this. It's got so I am on eggshells and think twice about telling her to do things. Everything is a potential flash point.

She can be so loving, imaginative and gentle. But often is not and I can see her being angry and upset and overwhelmed but it's so hard to help her then.

Strategies of going at her speed, explaining changes well in advance, her being engaged and part of decisions help but sometimes it's not always appropriate to give her full attention, /control and that's when she will guarantee d go into meltdown. Help!!!!

Dh is sahd which has its own issues and part to play in the dynamic.

Feel like a real failure right now. She keeps dropping out of activities too.

Might be wise to take her to a doctor. Just in case there's something else going on.

Not to freak u out (proceeds to freak you out xD) but I remember watching this show where they established a specific type of disorder where the child hits out at any feeling of being controlled/told what to do.

Also, dislike of change in routine (so having to explain changes well in advance) is something autistic children struggle with.

Probably nothing to worry about but I'd certainly be taking her to the gp just in case.

Oh and I'd suggest an eyesight test too. Might sound random but my mum noticed my mood totally changed shortly before I got glasses because I his couldn't see well and that was stressful.

*I just couldnt

I feel like the gp will dismiss us. Certainly DH feels it is my response to her that's the problem and I've gotten us into a loop where I am not patient enough/expect her to be angry, so she gets angry. He also says I am overreacting when I have raised idea that we ask for help.

So if DH feels that your response is part of the problem, does that mean he doesn’t have these issues with her?

Just take her anyway, and if that go dismisses your concerns, take her to a second one just in case for a second opinion. Don't not take her based upon being worried about what someone might or might not say lol.

Also, if you feel you need help you have every right A. To feel that way. And B. To ask for help.

Don't just let these issues slide, this isn't the terrible two's, random tempers and common physical attacks from your 6 year old need to be addressed asap.

She does still respond that way with him but not as often. He doesn't try to get her to do things as much (brush teeth, music practice, pick up her things). If they have gotten into a full on conflict which is rarer but does happen he will shout at her and she stops and listens whereas with me she yells and screams over me. I try not to shout and will speak to her in cross/firm tone but lately I have tried shouting once.

So odd that he is the SAHP yet you’re the one usually asking her to do things she doesn’t want to do! Usually the other way around. Do you think he lets her get away with stuff she doesn’t want to do? Why are you supervising tooth brushing not him?

I am out of the house 40 hours a week but I am their mum all the rest of the time and it is me that takes the active role when I am home. I miss them so much when I am not there.
He's not lazy and he does get on with things while I am out but there are definitely aspects (teeth and hair, playdates) that I still take lead on, and things I don't do well which he also isn't doing (homework, tidying, etc)

I am really worried that the physical outbursts are not normal. I don't know what good having a diagnosis could do. I think we are the problem as in our parenting.

A diagnosis will open up help and support for you and your family.

What’s she like in school?

It will also give her protection under the disability act -

When she shouts/kicks etc, what’s your immediate response OP? I have a few different techniques for my dc. Do you try to reason with her and talk her down? You say she yells and screams over you. That may be part of the problem. If my child were to do this, they get one warning (say nothing more than stop doing that or you’re going on a time out) then go on a time out. Follow through every single time. They rarely challenge me after a time out but on the odd occasion they have them I don’t let them play the Xbox or use their kindles for at least a day. If I’ve asked my youngest to do something and he’s ignoring me I count down from five and then it’s time out time. He normally jumps up to do it when I’m counting down. You and your DH need to be consistent though. X

Thank you all for your thoughts it really helps to have all your advice and I feel a bit less lonely with it!
We tried a different strategy tonight - I found a worksheet on anger for kids online ("don't be an angry bird") used the excuse that I needed to test it out for someone at work, and we looked at it and chatted about some of the ideas together.
Was quite good and no major outbursts tonight which was great.
I also did amazingly at keeping patient during dinner with all the chair swinging and lack of eating.. picking my battles!! Do I get a gold star???!

I highly recommend the book ‘The explosive child’ by Ross Greene, it helps you to support your child, look at what their difficulties are and rephrase your language to help support them. We have a (ahem) lively 5 year old DD and it’s really helped us help her.

It does sound like she’s got some demand avoidance going on. Are there any issues school have identified or does she save it all for home?

How long’s she been like this? Has she been ill a lot over winter? Just wondering could she be very very tired and run down at the end of winter. Also wonder if something is going on with friendships at school. How is she at school?

She hasn't been ill but her sister has, she was pretty ill and we were all in upheaval for a week or so recently. But this behaviour predates that. She is still on medication for constipation and has been for years, her behaviour is always pretty bad when she is in discomfort with that. I will take more account of that and be better at giving her the preventative meds.

I was quite heartened by the post by another mum in Aibu tonight about having to lift and carry her tantrum ming child - thought thank goodness not just us!

She can also have these outbursts in school though I think not as much - we don't get a lot of communication from school. I know of a couple of instances, one for example of her shouting at the teacher. Rainbows was very difficult and I stopped taking her. Her music teacher has raised some issues with me.

I will have a look at the book thank you

Might the constipation be disturbing her sleep? Not enough for her to call you but enough that she’s tired iyswim.

Picking your battles is really important as otherwise you will feel like you’re constantly on her back (and so will she). Positive praise and rewards (pasta jar?) when she gets it right, even just a bit right. Cuddles and tell her you love her even if you don’t feel like it.

It’s so easy to get into a negative cycle when you feel cross and tense, I know. My 6 yr old DD is vile at times, she also struggles with temper and self control (she has very mild cerebral palsy) all exacerbated by tiredness. I somehow have to not rise to it!

I think it would help if your DH did the tough stuff a bit more ie enforcing the music practice and teeth brushing. If you’re there less, but much of the enforcing is left to you, that’s not a helpful dynamic between you and DD.

The behaviour is consistent in a variety of places with different people using different tactics.

Others have raised concerns.

That is enough to warrant a trip to GP and discuss a referral to a development paediatrician.

Also second explosive child book.
Also a private space with sensory stuff in that she's to go to when overwhelmed to good. A tent with cushions, blankets, some fiddle toys etc. It's hers. No one else is to use it.

Dinner times best thing to do is distract. Keep conversation going - games like eye spy, alphabet game that can be played between mouthfuls and don't require everyone's full attention all the time can help.
Perhaps look at a wobble cushion and make sure he feet can be placed on floor. (Use a block of wood if they can't). This helps children who haven't yet got full special awareness over their body and swing feel more grounded.

Also giving choices helps. Not a choice of doing or not doing what you ask! Bug a choice of how she does it.

Eg "do you want to brush teeth or hair first?"

this sounds difficult. my first thought was that maybe she was having problems at school, maybe a kid is acting this way to her so she does it to you. try and ask a teacher? good luck doll xx