Am I being sensitive about playing favourites?

[Em1511]

“SORRY ABOUT THE ESSAY ITS BEEN BUILDING UP FOR MONTHS”
I have a DD who is one this month, and I’ve always felt like she’s came second best to her niece (my sisters DD) who is 9 month older than her. My sister and I go to my grandmas every other day with the children and I’m now starting to not want to go there because of this.

My grandma always passes my daughter on to pick up my niece even if she hasn’t had her for two seconds.
Pacifiers are a huge problem, I’ve spent a fortune on them and never come home with any because my niece always gets them. I’ve noticed lately it’s because my grandma and sister give her them knowing it’s my daughters. If my sister forgets a pacifier, my DN ends up with my DDs even if my daughter doesn’t have a spare. There’s a couple of times my DDs been so tired but can’t sleep without hers and she’ll be getting upset when there’s nothing I can do as someone has gave hers to my niece. She also bursts them with her teeth sometimes meaning neither of them have one.
My brothers are typical “lads” and love to aggravate them (in a playful way) ... the second anyone doesn’t treat my niece like glass my grandmother gets upset and scolds anyone who’s trying to play with her. However, anyone can do anything to my daughter ... sometimes accidentally upsetting her and nobody says a word.
There’s little things like my grandma will get them both a treat, but my nieces will be given first. Or she’ll babysit my niece but won’t my daughter, apparently my DD is too hard work.
My DD tries to play with my niece and because she’s sensitive and moans, my daughter literally gets called the “bully of the family” and “evil” even though she’s just trying to play. It’s catching on with more distant family members too which is irritating me.
My grandma just seems to have so much more patience and time for my niece but when it comes to my daughter she’s always trying to get rid of her... then today I got so angry I’m surprised I didn’t start a full on argument:
My sister gave me some hand-me-downs when my daughter was born which I actually keep in a box at the bottom of her wardrobe and have never used any of them as I bought so many she doesn’t get a chance to wear even her new things. It’s been irritating me for a while that everything my daughter wears my sister says “is that ...” implying everything she wears is her daughters. Then today, she starting saying my DD was “manky” and a “scruff”. I take her over there clean and tidy, but of course she gets given crap to eat like chocolate etc (whole other story at the fact I don’t like her eating that stuff) and she crawls all over the floor meaning she obviously gets a bit dirty, as do all babies. What she said was crossing the line for me and if my DD had been older I think that would have upset her.

I don’t know, am I being sensitive? Should I stop taking her over there since my DD will soon start to understand everything? (She loves going there as she doesn’t notice yet) I’ve said this to them a million times and I get the same answer “ah here we go again” “you’re so sensitive” etc etc. I’m just at my whits end with it and don’t know what to do. I suffer from anxiety so feel nervous about taking her to play groups etc and don’t have many friends, least of all mum friends to take her out with other children. Just looking for some advice and again so sorry it’s so long

I would stop going and try play groups emetic. Why do you go when DN is there?

Back away op. Find somewhere to go where you are both valued and appreciated instead.
You don't have to hang about with family!

Why do you take her??? But some of what your talking about is easily solved by you standing up for your DD. If they take her dummy, tell them they can't have it and put it in your pocket. If they play roughly, tell them to stop.

The favouritism and calling my DC “evil” would really upset me too. Perhaps host your DSis at your house or try going to your grandma a couple of times when your Dneice isn’t there and they can bond?

Can you take your DD to a swimming class or music class where the focus is on the DC rather than DM’s chatting. IMO it’s a lot less intimidating and far nicer than dealing with crap relations.

It’s more of a case everyone is always popping in and out of there I used to go there on my lunches from work. It’s like a meeting place for the family, people call in on their breaks from work etc and I always thought it was just a chance for my DD to see the family more and she currently loves going there as she doesn’t understand but I don’t want it to break her confidence when she does start to realise. In terms of sticking up for her I definitely agree but I’m seen as cruel if I take them back and my niece cries. Thanks for the replies I just needed reassuring that I weren’t over reacting like they all make out I do. Think it’s time to break the habit and look into play groups and get out of my comfort zone. I think I’m imagining them to be a lot worse than they will be.

In terms of sticking up for her I definitely agree but I’m seen as cruel if I take them back and my niece cries.

They sound awful. Really awful. Why is it ‘cruel’ to upset your niece (because her mother can’t get her act together) but not cruel to upset your daughter?

Thanks for the replies I just needed reassuring that I weren’t over reacting like they all make out I do.

You aren’t overreacting but it sounds like you’re the family scapegoat. I’d buy yourself some distance before your daughter is embedded as the same. When your mother moans, I’d just point out simply ‘you’re not very nice to or about my daughter; it’s not good for any of us.’

Referring to a baby as ‘evil’ and a bully is seriously fucked up. Really dreadful.

Think it’s time to break the habit and look into play groups and get out of my comfort zone. I think I’m imagining them to be a lot worse than they will be.

They’ll almost certainly be nicer than your mother and sister!