My mum told my 3yo niece to beat up her friends that were bullying her. Reasonable advice or not?

[Mscandylamb]

Hi folks,

Long story short my very vocal 3 year old niece last Sunday told me that at church play group her so called friends pushed her about for no reason. My niece is very tough and doesn't take no rubbish from anyone (including me)but she also is very sensitive and can cry at the miniscule of issues, she's at that age where she is learning in leaps and bounds but she was very unhappy when she told me about it. I told my mum who is her grandmother and my mum asked my niece about it. My niece confirmed that indeed her friends had picked on her for no reason. Obviously I was not there so cant say for certain that was the case. But my niece is very accurate at telling her side of things... She had no reason to lie.

Anyways my mum told my niece next time anyone pushes her or hits her.. She should do the same back... Is this correct advice my mum is giving? She just doesn't want my niece to grow up being bullied and as an adult my mum cant just sort the kid out cause that would be just wrong.. Also l am expecting her second grandchild so I want to know if this advice my mum is dishing out is reasonable?

Many thanks for reading..

Officially you should never teach anyone to hit back. Having said that, if I had hit my childhood bully just once it would probably have saved me from years of bullying. So I'm not against it as long as it's hitting back, not starting it.

Officially, no. And it shouldn't be the first thing.

But after DD tried telling adults, trying 'using her words' and everything else, one boy was kicking her repeatedly to get her to move. She shoved him really hard and he hasn't done it again. I told her I wasn't angry with her.

But your niece needs to try everything else first.

I think it's lousy advice, counter-productive and harmful, and wholly inappropriate for a grandparent to be giving in any case.

My mum taught all of her kids (including me) to hit back if someone hit us first.. Never to pick a fight, but to defend ourselves (with words or fists) if need be.

So I guess she is just passing on the advice down to the 3rd gen of my family. She loves her granddaughter to pieces so I guess she doesn't want to see her thinking being bullied as being acceptable.

agree - officially, no, but realistically, hell yes.

I'm all for teaching children to try and talk our their problems and use words and definitely think fighting back should be a last response. But a lot of these bully's are little angels in their parents eyes who wouldn't hurt a fly and they know when to strike so teachers dont see what's going on.
My neice had a bully and they were making her life miserable, parents weren't bothered, school just wanted to pussyfoot around talking and getting her to tell her bully's how they were making her feel which just made them tease her more.
One day they pushed her over again, she stood up and smacked her back.
They never touched her again becuse bullies bully who they consider weak.

The disgusting thing about it is dn got the detention becuse she was seen but these girls messing with her never got any sort of punishment because they were doing it out of sight.

Obviously not the official advice but sometimes the only thing bullies understand sadly. My friend’s son put up with bullying and bad mouthing from another boy for over 2 years before he finally snapped, picked up the boy and threw him in a bush. He was never bothered by him again!

I think at such a young age it's bad advice- kids very much only understand black and white- no grey area. It would be better at this age to instil "walk away" " tell an adult" "dont be friends with these children" than to teach them to lash out back.

They're 3. Very little empathy at that age and a crucial time developmentally. Therefore no, I don't think that's appropriate at that age.

Full disclosure: I began giving this advice to ds from Y1 (5/6yo) onwards - but stressed that he should use his words first, tell an adult if it continues and if it still continues after intervention then it's ok by me if he gives as good as he gets. But warned him that the teachers would take a different view and to be prepared for that.

I think it’s awful advice that little. We have a mum who said that in YR and it was her DS who was starting things. When they’re older and can be more nuanced then perhaps explain that it can be an option but not at 3. My 3 year old would take it as carte blanche to thump anyone who he fell over/was sitting where he wanted to be etc.

I've always tried to teach my child to stick up for themselves from an early age as I won't always be there with her. If someone hits her I've always told her to tell them 'don't hit me that's not kind' and if they can't listen to tell me/an adult. I don't think you can really teach them to hit back it's just not really right is it