Dont want friend babysitting my son because of her sons behaviour

[blondeirishmummy84]

Hi,

I am 34 weeks pregnant with my 2nd baby and DS1 is only 11 months old. He goes to a childminder 4 days a week. Both my husband and my own family live quite far away so we have little in terms of help/support.

A good friend of mine has kindly offered to help out with househousework, babysitting , e.t.c. when the new arrival is here and especially when my husband has to go away for work for 6 days at the end of April, when I am anxious at how I will cope for that length of time with a 1 year old and newborn!
My mother in law will come and stay for a few days but I wouldnt expect her to stay the while time and will hopefully see if my sister or aunt can help me out.

Anyway my friend has and is always offering to mind or babysit my son., She is a single parent to her own son who has just turned 3 years old. She said herself she has been having a difficult time with him and his behaviour, he has angry outbursts of biting (her and himself), throwing objects, hitting, e.t.c.
A few months ago when I went to her house with my son, when she was out of the room her son deliberately dropped a rattle toy on my babys head, there is no way it was a mistake, he was holding it above his head, shaking it, then stopped deliberately let it go so it fell on his head. Of course my son started screaming then when he started, my friends little boy started crying too. My friend asked what happened and I told her, her son was crying saying he didnt mean to, but I know he did. She asked him to apologise and that it was a mistake (when I know it wasnt!). I didnt want to push the matter so left not long after that and have unfortunately avoided her company a few times when I know her son will be with her.

I would trust my friend implicitly to take care of my son for a few hours, she is great with him, he likes her and I would really appreciate the break and help. But I just dont want her to take care of him when her son is this way in case he hurts my son when her back is turned, even for a minute. I dont think this is unreasonable?
I have thanked her for all her offer of help and brushed it off, so I guess I can only keep doing this? I just dont want to tell her the real reason in case she gets angry or annoyed about it, but also feel I should be honest. Or maybe I just keep brushing her off?

Thank her for the offer and say you'll let her know if you need her? Then just don't take her up on it. If she pushes it once baby has arrived, just tell her you don't want to be separated from your DC, but thank you for the kind offer etc.

If you dont want her to that's fine.
And kids definitely do stuff like that. But before you get too judgy i would bear in mind

1. you are about to have 2 and siblings often do stuff like that to each other
2. Your eldest is only 11m and behaviour can often get much worse before it hopefully gets better and that it can be triggered by siblings being born. So you really dont know that yours wont behave similarly. (They may well not). Friend needs to acknowledge her dc behaviour and not leave him alone with other kids

Exactly what Helix said.
The fact you wathed her little one drop the rattle on your babies head, according to your logic, means you are the bad parent, not her - if either of you had to be ?? However, he might have dropped it, but that doesn't equate to him meaning to have hurt your little one - he is still little himself, and still working out how the world works. Your little ones will explore and do stuff like this too when they are a bit older.

Of course you don't have to accept help from anyone if you don't want to, but your friend knows how hard it can be sometimes when you are on your own for a while with a baby, and is offering you support. I wouldn't turn my nose up at it until you are through the baby stages, or until you are certain your dh is no longer having to go away. Well, tbh, I wouldn't turn my nose up at it even if dh were at home.
Just say 'Thanks, it's really reassuring to know I'll be able to call on you if I need you' without committing to anything.

The problem here is not that the child was naughty, but that your friend tried to minimise it by saying it was a mistake and utterly failed to discipline her child. A 3yo doesn’t understand remorse or saying sorry. He should have been properly disciplined by having the toy removed and being given a time out or similar.

If you let her babysit your DS I can guarantee her kid will attack yours again (because he wasn’t disciplined last time), she will lie to you about it or perhaps not even tell you it happened, and your poor DS will be terrorised every time he’s looked after.

Obviously you can’t tell her the truth that her kid is naughty and it’s her fault because she fails to discipline him. So I’d just stay away.

She didn’t see what happened. I’d be more bothered about what she does when/if she does see him hurt someone. If you have smaller dc it’s always hard to imagine that your dc will ever be rough or and easy to think you’ll always know exactly what to do. There but for the grace of God. You haven’t described anything that would worry me, and it’s not likely that a three year old and a one year old (never mind a baby) would be left alone together.

“Properly disciplined” ffs

2019Dancerz do you think the 3yo should just get away with hitting a baby? There should have been age appropriate consequences for that behaviour.

And like I said, the main problem is the mother refusing to admit that her child has been naughty and instead trying to pretend it was a “mistake”. She’s going to turn into one of those awful ineffective parents who get phoned by the school and just go Nooooo not my little angel, he’d never be naughty!

Mother comes into room to see her toddler crying and saying he didn’t mean to. I think the saying sorry part is dealing with the incident. She may think the OP is a bit of a snowflake when it comes to her baby, who knows? There’s about as much evidence for that theory as the one that the toddler will be in trouble at school!

I think the fact he did it when she wasnt there shows he knows it is wrong so doesnt mean she isnt telling or disciplining him.
He likely wanted to see your/baby's reaction.
It can be hard to discipline based on something you didnt witness.
He sounds impulsive,
she didnt leave him alone with baby (though she may well do in future).
Idont think removing a rattle from a 3 yo would have any affect at all.
If it's impulsive a punishment wont stop him doing it again.

I completely understand how you feel, especially as I have a little bubba and am pregnant this would understandably make parents a little worried! I would say thank her for her offers but try and brush off help subtly (aka say your busy, your mother in law is helping instead), and when you are staying with her then I would subtly keep an eye on her son.
if he does it again maybe you should say something along the lines of "that hurts, don't do it again because it hurts" or telling him something so he doesn't want to do it again in a very kind way . I think how you feel is v reasonable hun personally wouldn't feel comfortable to leave my girlie with her either. good luck x