Just having a horrible time

[Cotswoldpoppy]

I'm on mat leave with my 4 month old and also have DC 2.5. I feel pathetic saying this as my toddler is in nursery 2 days a week so it's not as if I have to manage all week but the days I have both of them I'm really struggling. DH works away for 2 nights a week (this will come to an end in May) so I am on my own those evenings and nights too. I'm EBF my baby who won't take a bottle so I can't ever get much of a break even at the weekend although DH does try.

I had a real low point today where I just sat cuddling the baby while my toddler hit me and I just sobbed. I am completely failing to manage his behaviour. My toddler doesn't sleep well and I'm co-sleeping with the baby so the baby usually wakes up while I'm resettling him and I'm permanently exhausted. My back is still bad from my pregnancy but I find it impossible to carve out any time to do my physio exercises. Actually I could have done some yesterday while the baby napped but I used that time to batch cook some food for my toddler who has lots of severe food allergies. Today he refused to try it and threw it on the floor. I just want to cry all the time at the moment. They deserve a better mother.

Not sure what I'm looking for by posting this really. Reassurance that it will get better?

Bless you. It’s so hard. I remember this stage too.
I’m offering a hand hold, and reassurance that this stage will pass. You are doing great to keep bf.

A terrible twos toddler, probably also jealous of the new baby, and a 4 month old baby...no surprise that you are finding it hard to cope. It will get easier, but it sounds like you need some support. Are your family nearby? Do you have friends also at home with babies and toddlers? Do you go to mother and toddler groups?

You’re doing ok and you’re a good mother. When they’re four months old it’s a really tough age. You’ve had four months of sleep deprivation. And toddlers are extremely hard work too. Everyone has days like that with young children and it feels really horrible at the time but it’s definitely ok. Your job Is made a lot harder by the sleep issues and the allergies and your sore back. You are having a really tough time. Maybe someone will be on here with some practical suggestions on how to improve things. It’s hard to fit everything in when they’re that age, it’s unrelenting!

You are NOT a terrible mother! Quite the opposite in fact.

Could you possibly put the toddler in for another nursery day? Don't feel guilty, you need head space and to be able to relax a bit whilst your baby naps.

This must be so tough, I only have one child so I'm not speaking from experience but just do whatever you need to do to get by

Definite hand hold. Your children do not deserve a better mother. You are doing brilliantly but it is hard. The best thing that anyone ever said to me, as a new mother, is , "it can be really shit, can't it?" I know that you're not a first time mum, but it's your first time as a mum of two. Just because you've done the early stages before it doesn't make it any easier. The fact that you're being honest about how crap it can be means you are coping way better than you think you are.

It will get better!

I had the same age gap with my two but I had childminder coming in every weekday morning 9-1 for the two year old while I was on mat leave and all I can say is thank fuck I did because seriously, baby plus toddler is hell. You are a hero to be flying solo 2 days/nights a week. Genuinely.

Any chance of upping playschool or crèche days for the 2 year old? Those mornings saved my sanity because I actually could sleep with baby for her first nap and then I’d sling her while getting some sort of dinner cooked in the mid-morning and chucking a wash on or whatever.

Getting out for a walk with baby in sling and toddler in buggy was another sanity saver. They might both sleep and at least that was head space even if I couldn’t be asleep! Sling generally was awesome because I could deal with toddler and baby was happy. However I also relied HEAVILY on Peppe Pig (so so much- I would be ashamed if I didn’t give zero fucks because of wanting to die of exhaustion).

Mine are now 2 and 4 and it’s stoll busy but no comparison to the trenches. They play together now! They’ll sit and draw or play with play dough for 10-15 mins. I can go to the loo and not have to take the whole show with me! It’s AMAZING!! And I can now fully appreciate how incredibly lovely it is for them to have each other and me to have them both.

Seriously, it gets so much better. But ask for help now from whoever will give it. Even someone/somehow to allow you a tiny 20 minute snooze that you can hold on to when the night is shit. Is there any way you can up the support for yourself? It’s such a hard time. You’re not letting the kids down. They’ll be fine. Mine are fab despite my pathetic early parenting! You’re not alone

Think about the days getting gradually lighter, and warmer. Being out of the house helps loads, if you can muster up some layers and get them outdoors.

You're not alone OP. I feel much the same. I have a 3.5mo, 2.5yo and 7yo. 2.5yo is also at home with me every day (can't afford nursery). I have sciatica and struggling to walk (and baby only naps well in the sling!) and we've had illness in our house since the start of December - having thought the worst was behind us I woke up with another cold/sore throat etc yesterday. It's brutal and relentless BUT it will get better. At least that's what I keep telling myself. I've had similar wobbles to DH - I feel sick every time he leaves the house (so and lot).

My toddler likes to wait until baby is asleep and then try and wake her up, or when I'm feeding baby she'll start hitting 7yo.

I don't have the answers but I'll share some of my tips and tricks and hopefully they'll help you.

• Get toddler as involved as you can - changing nappies, cuddles etc
• Get out and about as much as you are able (limited for us having been so ill - unless the doctors counts!)
• Try and get to a baby group once a week
• Try and get them to have a nap once a day at the same time
• Use the television if you need to
• Structure your day so it works for you (we do activities in the morning, then lunch, then nap, then playing, then dinner - but it's broken up by school run)
• I bought a toy hair dressing set so she can do my hair when I'm stuck feeding - this is to divert bad behaviour when I'm immobile
• I have a baking tin full of lentils, pasta, rice, spoons and pots etc - it's another distracting thing that I can easily get out if feeding/doing nap
• Get a couple of 8pm bedtimes to get some sleep in
• Forget batch cooking unless you have someone to help take the children
• Try and get some adult company at least once a week (keeps you sane and also occupies the children)
• Playdough is a godsend in our house! Baking is a great way to kill 30 mins but stick to easy things eg fairy cakes, cornflake cakes

It will get better as the weather does and as baby naps less. At the moment my baby hates a coat and cries for as long as one is on. Doesn't much like the school run so that's fun. It will be easier when I can put toddler in the garden to play. Keep thinking about the easier times.

Oh and colouring. Big roll of paper that you can tear bits from and big tins of crayons and pencils left out all the time. Books! Keep books out for when you're sat feeding.

Op, toddlers can be right little aholes. Who then turn into amazing, wonderful, kind little people who hold your hand and give you gentle hugs and tell you how much they love you. My son was the Worst- screaming and tantrums and constant constant constant exhaustion from having to look after him and my new born whilst husband worked abroad (I had/have zero family or friend help either so it was just me). I broke down sobbing so many times. Just broken sobbing. He was an utterly shit sleeper too, and the added sleep deprivation for me was just utter torture. I never thought it could ever get better. But it honestly does. That little monster toddler has grown into a kind, empathic, loving little boy who is close to his siblings and is just a dear little soul. It was utter hell to be honest at first, but it does get better. Hang in there op xx

Could you switch up your toddler's nursery hours? So 4 mornings rather than 2 full days? That way they're not feeling left out about what's going on at home and they're in more of a stable routine (I've made the same decision in a similar situation to you as - in my case - 3 days on, 4 days off was too extreme for my toddler to cope with. She's fussy too, so I can get her home for her lunch and then a nap most days). It also means you can get out for a walk, short drive etc, with the younger one most mornings in time for their first nap, which might help the day go quicker. Mine are 8 months and 2.5yrs now and it's already easier. Those early days are really hard.

You're doing well with a really really tough job. Sounds like your DC are just fine and it's only you who is not!

Can you get extra time in the nursery for DC1? Even if it's just til DH's work schedule reverts to normal?

Can any friends or family help- maybe just by coming over and spending some time with you, especially on the days that your DH is working away?

How important is EBF to you? Is it a hardship too far, given the circumstances, or a priority you want to protect?

I would say your physio/ back rehabilitation and any chance of a nap are both more important than batch cooking at this stage. You will feel so much better. DC1 won't suffer for a few weeks of suitable shop bought food.

It will get better and you will get better.

2.10 year old and 6 month old here. No advice but solidarity as I feel similar to you. Baby a terrible sleeper and toddler through at 5.45 insisting we go downstairs. Husband away with work and I just want to cry thinking about how i’ll get through the day. Hoping people are right and it gets better.x

I found having a toddler and a baby to be the hardest thing I have ever done. You're doing a great job! Someone told me that the definition of success with children this age is "Everyone fed, no-one dead" and anything you achieve above that is a bonus.

One practical tip - put together a treasure bag of toys / books for the toddler that only comes out when you are feeding the baby.

It does get better I promise.

Thank you everyone for your replies- I've read them all and they've given me a real boost. I'll look into increasing or changing our nursery hours. The better weather will help and I'll try some of the other tips too- thank you. Feeling a bit more positive today- I think I lost my perspective a bit yesterday!

Good morning! Glad to hear you’re feeling brighter Cotswold

This was pretty much me last year although toddler tended to hit baby rather than me. Lots of practical advice above but life is sooo much better now. Once baby was on his feet they started to play together. For now do whatever it takes to get through it with your sanity intact (ish...)!