3 year olds relationship with dad

[Huntawaymama]

Hi, sorry if anyone looks at my posting history they'll see I'm going crazy today but I'm cuddling baby, feeling stressed and just getting everything out

Anyway, my eldest is 3 and has never had the best of relationships with her dad. Sometimes they get on great but basically she just doesn't respect him and I need help on getting her to behave better with him.

Until I had DD2 last year it was just dd1 and I most days, dad works long hours so didn't see loads of us and would come home tired. DD adores me and has often been through periods of separation anxiety. I should add that generally she's the most loving bright polite little girl. Her dad is also at fault here, he doesn't "get" her. She loves playing with toys and imaginative games but will not play by herself. Most of the time this is fine as me and her will play loads and she's happy to help me with chores etc but on an evening I ask dad to take over while I cook dinner and he's tired and wants to chill and play on his phone but she wants to play and he doesn't enjoy playing her way. I've tried and tried to tell him to be the adult but he doesn't get it. She loses her temper and then cries to me. I tell her to be nice to her dad but it's hard when I can see why she's so would up

An example, she loves playing with toy animals, and she'll have a tiger and a gazelle who talk to each other etc and he'll say "that's not right the tiger would just eat the gazelle" and won't let her play how she wants. The thing is she knows in real life that wouldn't happen but it's a made up imaginary kids game!

This ends up spilling over where she cries that she doesn't want to sit next to him at dinner as he's annoyed her and she doesn't want him to get her ready for bed and will at times just saying to me "I don't like him". It's heartbreaking because he does love her dearly, we talk loada about how lucky she is to have such a hard workimg daddy etc. They're both at fault and I'm stuck in the middle.

I don’t think your daughter is at fault at all here. She’s three, not an age known for being respectful. It’s not hard to sit down and play animals for 30 minutes while you cook tea. You need to speak to dh and get him to change his expectations.

Thank you, I agree, generally she's very mature for her age and behaves so well for everyone else. Husband and I do talk about it and he does try but somehow they always fall out. It's harder for him atm to as our 7m old wants to be held all the time and while I've mastered keeping them both entertained he struggles

Sounds like dh is being a bully. He's at fault here completely. He's behaving like a child himself. Maybe talk to him op and tell him that he needs to respect her and be the adult? Or else this is going to continue to hurt their father daughter relationship. Be stern and put your foot down. This is your child, don't allow anyone even her dad to pick on her. My dh did something similar. When my son went through a clingy stage my husband got frustrated and began saying "why are you crying like a little girl!" Or "baby!! Baby!" Which upset my son even more. Well when I hear this I stormed into the room. Took him out and before I closed the door I said "don't you ever speak to my son like that again. Next time your team loses and you're upset would you like me to begin caling you a baby for being upset?!" He stayed quite and then said "it's because he's a little crier!" I said "he's one!! You're the adult here, be a good example to him." I was furious all day. He acted like he did nothing wrong but he never did it again. I know it's not the same as what your husband has done but sometimes they can be bullies without them realising

Your DH is at fault here. Not your three year old!!

There year olds don't understand the concept of respect. He needs to remember she's a small child and despite coming across as mature she is still a toddler!

behaves so well for everyone else

She's 3. It's not about her 'behaving'. Her Dad needs to adjust how he interacts with her.

And please don't tell her to be nice to him She needs to be able to express how she feels, not learn to hide her emotions to massage a man's ego like most women do. He's the grown up. Send him something to read on how to play with kids.

@lovely36 I'm applauding this - quite right!

You say you need help on getting her to behave better with him, but I don’t think you do, you need help on getting him to behave better with her.

She’s three! She’ll respect him and behave better with him once he learns some more positive and enjoyable ways of interacting with her. Of course she’s saying she doesn’t like him at the moment - what’s he giving her to like?

I get the impression you want to change her behaviour because it’s easier than changing his, but that’s really not fair on her. You’d be teaching her that her duty is to act more maturely than her adult father is. He needs to change his attitude towards playing with her, and find some things they will both enjoy if he doesn’t want to do cuddly-toy role play.