Extreme loneliness and sadness on maternity leave

[SqidgeBum]

I have a gorgeous 11 week old daughter. I have taken a year maternity, but I am not enjoying it. I am crippled with loneliness and general sadness. I don't live in the same country as my family (my parents have only seen my daughter twice) but I am very close to my family. We live an hour from his family but they aren't the helping out type. I have no friends where I live except work friends who are obviously not free during the day. I go to playgroups as much as I can, I get out everyday, but my husband does 11 hour shifts every second day and works every third weekend. I am basically on my own 80% of the time and lately I am really feeling it and I am just miserable. I haven't healed well from the birth, and my emotions are a wreck. My husband doesn't really seem to know what to do with me as I have always been an incredibly strong person and never needed looking after emotionally. He doesn't even react if I get upset now, he just sits and waits for me to stop crying. I could be crying in the morning when he leaves for work, thinking about spending another 12 hours alone, and he wouldn't even text for the whole day to see if I'm ok. He seems to be just waiting for me to get back to normal so he doesn't have to deal with me anymore. He comes home at 7:30, sits on his phone or watches TV, and then goes to bed just after 9. I stay up to feed the baby. He does pull his weight with our daughter when he is around, but just has 0 concern for me. I feel like since having a baby I have lost my mind and my relationship with my husband and any semblance of myself. I am just Mum 100% of the time, and my husband just wants me to be the old me, the easy me. I just want to feel like myself again! People tell me this is normal, but if this is normal why would anyone have a second kid?!? Please am not alone in this, and it gets better. I can't take a year of this misery.

You poor thing! You need support and understanding. Having a baby is such a huge dramatic life change. Your identity has just completely changed overnight and you now have a whole new role which doesn’t always see your needs being met a lot of the time. It is normal to feel overwhelmed to some extent, but don’t ignore your feelings as there is help out there. When my daughter was a few weeks old I had the same sort of scenario as my husband was working long hours and I felt alone a lot. It’s good that you are trying to get out most days - that will really help. could you speak to your health visitor about how you’re feeling? You definitely aren’t alone. If your recovery from birth is also affecting how you feel id really recommend women’s health physio they are amazing. Perhaps when you heal better physically this will really help you I know it was like that for me

Seriously it's not okay for your partner to ignore you. Speak to your HV or go as you may need some support - totally normal to do so!
I struggled largely due to a nightmare sleeper so felt I was going insane. It gets better but is very hard , hugs to you

Speak to your gp or health visitor. I struggled massively while on mat leave with ds and am actually dreading it again when dc2 arrives.

I didn’t speak to my gp until I went back to work and she said I absolutely had pnd. I explained the feeling of loss of identity. Just being “mum” (which, don’t get me wrong I love being mum. But I’m so much more than that!) or at baby groups “ds’ name’s mum” I wanted to scream that I had a real name and could someone please take some interest in me?!

Dr said for me it’s the trigger of change which tipped me over. Change from being me to mum. Change from working to not working. Change because all my friends were working and I couldn’t just meet them at 5 and go for drinks anymore. Not spur of the moment anyway. Change from being off to back to work and being “me” again.

It’s tough. But you will get through this. Speak to someone and get help. Xxx

There will be so many people who have felt the way you are and will In the future, it's an incredible upheaval.
I really struggled with my first and actually cut my maternity short as I felt absolutely lost and pretty useless as a new mum.
Please please please speak to your health visitor, I buried my issues and put on an "everything is fine front" .....it wasn't and consequently took ages to sort.
You are not alone xx

I don't have any advice I'm afraid, because I'm going through this myself. Prior to having a baby I worked FT and did academic research as well. I have found the complete loss of identity and the ability to come and go as I please disastrous for my mental health. I cry A LOT.

Shortly after I came home from hospital my DP and I had an argument which meant he, as a kind of lesson, withdrew all support, and I was left alone for weeks at a time without anyone. I ended up leaving him because I screamed at my baby one day through tiredness and temper, and realised I was on the verge of doing something terrible. I went and lived with my sister for most of last year.

I'm working through things slowly but it's not easy. My family live two hours away and aren't available to help, and DPs family aren't the helping kind.

Please speak to someone. I haven't, and I definitely have PND. If your partner cannot support you then is it possible for you to go and stay with your family in the short-term?

Please speak to your GP or HV for some support

Are you going to classes or groups? I found getting out and chatting to other new mums was really useful.

I think you need to speak to your husband about sharing some of the load. He should be doing his share when he gets home from work. Mine would take over baby wrangling when he got in and I'd try to get to bed early to prep for being up multiple times in the night.

Hi, I know how you must feel. When I had my DD, my in-laws lived a 5-hr drive away, my parents and rest of family an airplane flight away. I joined the NCT groups, playgroups and went to weekly weigh-ins. Just to meet other mums (and dads). I would ask someone to meet up for a coffee and from that the ball started rolling and I was meeting people every day. I also started to volunteer for NCT and I loved it. I am still in contact with these mums 9 yrs later. They were my life savers as I had no friends at all in the area before I had my baby. I understand that sitting on a dusty church-hall floor singing Ba Ba Black Sheep isn't everyone's cup of tea, but it's a great place to meet like-minded other parents (and we all confessed that going to these groups was purely to meet people, the babies themselves had no idea what was going on anyway :-).

I felt like this, and it was pnd. Please see a doctor, everything was easier once I got it treated. Although it's still a massive change to deal with

You have classic signs of PND. You really need to go and see your GP. Once you’re receiving treatment, you can think about what changes you could make.

Have you spoken to your partner about his emotional coldness and lack of care towards you? It's very weird of him to ignore you being upset and not to check on you.

Have you made any friends at any of the groups you go to? If there's someone you chat to then maybe ask them if they want to go for a coffee after the group next time. See if you can build up a friendship group of other mothers on leave.