I don’t know if I want children!

[Doglover3488]

Hi all - new here. Have an issue that’s been burning away for some time and was recommended here to ask for advice.

I’m 31 this year and in a happy and stable relationship. My partner would have kids tomorrow but I JUST DONT KNOW!

I’m aware Biology is not totally on my side anymore, and when I think of the idea of having my own children with my partner...I like it!

However, (and please don’t judge me) when I see other people’s children it really puts me off. Like...really. I’m actually disgusted by them. How gross they are with their sticky little hands and their annoying constant need for attention and don’t even get me started on snotty noses!

Am I a horrible person? How can I have such hatered for these tiny innocent beings?! I consider myself a compassionate person - I love animals and do lots of charity work. But I just seem to hate kids!

I guess the question I’m asking here is...is this normal? Will I get over this? Will I feel differently when it’s my own flesh and blood? Am I just scared? I’ve never been exposed to babies, I think I’ve held one once that I can remember and I’ve certainly never looked after one.

Please, I’d really appreciate and similar experiences and honest opinions!

Thanks in advance guys...

It's ok not to want kids- I don't but felt like you are your age and it took me a while to come to terms with it.

For me, the negatives outweigh the positives and I just don't think I can give enough of myself to be a parent. It wouldn't be fair on the child.

There's lots of pressure on women to have children and I have been made to feel abnormal lots of times. So many people judge.

But at the end of the day, I'm happy with my choice and I have a very fulfilling life.

I can't give you answers but just wanted to say it's ok not to have children if it's not for you.

Maybe get some experience with kids and find out how you feel? You may find that once you've made an attachment with other children you actually do like kids just are scared of what you don't know. Or you may find that you don't want kids. There is no right answer.
Do you have any friends or relatives with kids?

I am sitting here and feeding my new born for the 20th time tonight and it's exhausting. Parenting is soooo hard. Make sure you're sure before having any!

There are absolutely loads of long, informative threads on this, OP.

Also, it is perfectly normal not to want children, and hence to choose not to have any. For some people, the experience of having their own children is entirely different to encountering other people’s, but it’s a fairly high-risk strategy to have a baby you don’t actually want and hope it all turns out ok.

It's definitely different with your own.

I'd never seek out other people's children to be around.

It’s definitely different with your own, I don’t particularly like other people’s children either and the thought of changing a nappy of a child not in my family makes me heave, you just don’t get that with your own kids

However , I often fantasise about the child free life I never had - parenting is the hardest fucking thing in the whole world, be sure it’s for you otherwise it’s ten times harder
It’s ok to not want kids

It's different with your own 100%!!!!

I felt just like you and still do about most other kids except DS and his friends.

It is different with your own though, they are just lovely.
My advice - stick at one.

It is different with your own children, but it's also perfectly fine to not want children.
Do what works for you.
(And FWIW kids are gross! I have 3 and they're all disgusting , but they're mine ans i wouldn't have them any other way!)

Thanks all - I do think I would like my own overall. I was just sat a breakfast at a hotel with a kid sneezing all over his cereal and it made me write the post!

I have dogs and have ZERO problems picking up their shit...though other people's dog's shit makes me gag so hard!

I'm hoping it'll be the same with my kids (if I'm lucky enough to have them, of course).

Honestly, if you have any doubt at all, don't do it. Just make the choice that it isn't for you, let your partner know so he can decide whether it is a deal breaker for him.

A child free lufe, when it is not imposed on you through infertility or lack of support, is a wonderful thing. Even if you do love your child, there is no way you can avoid all the others. You'll be at parties and soft play and child friendly resteraunts for at least 8 long sticky years.

I never wanted children, I don’t like kids either. It was a deal breaker for my DH and ultimately I wanted him. I’m now sat with my 7 week old baby boy asleep on me and honestly, I just look at him and feel overwhelmed with how I can love something so much! If it ever came to it I could be without my DH but never without my DS!

However, for the first two weeks of his life I asked myself daily ‘what have I done?’ It didn’t click with me immediately and I really worried and thought I’d always feel regret. That feeling has gone now....I am someone I never thought I’d be, when he is asleep I sit looking through my phone at pictures of him because I miss him!

I agree that you should have the conversation with your partner. There is nothing wrong with not wanting children, but you could also have the same outcome as me! I’m already planning the next one! Lol!

If you don’t really want them then don’t have them. Honestly. I’ve found being a parent incredibly hard in so many ways (despite loving my DC so much) and sometimes the only thing that stops me regretting it is remembering I really wanted children - so I’d have been miserable if I didn’t have any.

Having said that, 31 is not that old and you never know when the baby wanting hormones may kick in. They might never or they might next year.

Women's Hour Podcast
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00t3tcd

Childfree by choice. Listen!! It's interesting to hear differing points of view

It's called Childfree by Choice and 45 mins long.

I wasn't ever particularly keen on other people's kids but it's so completely different when they are your own - which is why I have such massive respect for my OH (my dd's stepdad)

At 31 I didn’t want any and had zero interest in other people’s kids. I still had very little interest in other people’s babies and kids when I got pregnant with my own. And my friends kids sticky fingers and snot make me feel ill. But not my own- even his pooh smells wonderful. It wasn’t until I was 36 that I wanted my own and I was 38 when I conceived and 39 when I had him. At 31 biology is in your side. They say it declines at 35 don’t they

@MrsXx4 doesn’t everyone wonder what have I done? God, it’s hard with a newborn and no matter how much you love them in pregnancy nothing prepares you for those first few weeks. I was ready to sell mine on eBay. Those first few months are tough- now he makes me smile and laugh so much, brings so much joy

You sound exactly like I was. I just didn't get it, didn't really like other people's kids, even my godchildren really.

Could not get my head around all these people with little Benedict doing his 1st poo on the potty. Oohh and Sheldons' 1st smile ....look I have a photo ---- boring !!!!

Now I'm the one trying to get little Benedict on the potty and I have a gazillion photos of Sheldons' 1st smile and I bloody love it, complete u turn. Absolutely love being a mum, nothing in the world could top it. From the least maternal person in the world to now has amazed me.

But that's not to say it would happen for you, just wanted to give another side to it.

I always just knew I wanted children even as a young teen.Your own are different, they are part of you and your DP. BUT it is hard work. mine are teens and it's different hard, easier in some ways but still that BIG responsibility. My DD18 is adamant she doesn't want chn and I support her fully. Of course she may change but it's certainly not that important for a fulfilled life.

Totally normal view, in my opinion. When I was young, I remember being physically disgusted by young children. A memory that stays in my mind is when a family friend came to visit with her baby and, at the mealtime, the baby sat in a high chair with one of those plastic bibs with a sort of bowl at the bottom to catch food in. OMG the hellish mush of food that ended up at the bottom of the bib, it was so repulsive.

I only ever held one baby. The mum presumably thought I wanted to hold her baby and I didn't like to offend her, especially as the baby had major health issues from birth (she died after only a few weeks). When I went to NCT classes, I was the only woman there who point blank refused to hold the baby a mum brought in to show the class.

So yeah, babies were not my thing. I didn't think twice though about having my own children. It wasn't something I had really thought about, but it was a pure biological urge. I guess it was always in my mind that I was reproduce at some point in my life. And yes, as everyone will tell you, you feel completely different when it is your own child. I had 4 in all! Though none of them ever had a plastic bib with a bowl at the bottom!

@Doglover3488 yes!!! To everything you said! I'm 33, so not much older and really disliked children. But I have a 10 month old DS who was very much planned. I figured I would probably look back when I couldn't have kids and regret it. I also went with let's just try and see what happens.....if it's meant to be and all that.
Not going to lie it's bloody hard, just like a PP for the first two weeks I honestly questioned why we'd done it.
Overall I have no regrets, I love DS more than anything and he's mine so the sticky fingers, poo, sick and general yuck aren't a problem.
For the record I still don't really like other children 😂

I feel the same, have no interest in kids (and some of them are down right creepy) so I don't want kids. They aren't for everyone and I don't think the whole 'you will feel different about your own' is reason enough to actually have them. I also don't want to put my health, mental health and wellbeing at risk for a non existent being. If I ever change my mind then there are plenty of kids out there that can be fostered or adopted. Or I could just get a pet...slightly less work and much cuter xD

It is completely different with your own. For me being a mum is the best job in the world (most of the time!) I’ve never been interested in other people’s kids either before or after I had mine.