DD (34 months) won't poo at all! PLEASE help!!!

[EmSmith]

Hi everyone.

My daughter has been fully potty trained for around eight months now but for the last month or more she has simply stopped pooing....either in her potty or in her pants. She just clamps her legs together and refuses to go. Sometimes she asks for her potty and claims she needs to 'do a biggy' but the second she sits down she'll say she doesn't need to go. This can happen every ten minutes all day long.

She's definitely not constipated. Bits of poo slip out all day and I often have to change her as many as twenty times a day. The poo is very soft and her diet is full of fruit and veg. She also drinks plenty of fluid. I've also been giving her Califig every day and gave her Lactulose for a while.

I've had to take her back out of 'big girl' pants and put her in pull-ups again because I simply can't cope with all the washing. She constantly smells because she's always got bits of poo (the bits that slip out) hanging off her bottom.

She's constantly complaining of tummy ache because, I'm assuming, she's backed up. The only proper poo she's done in the last month was when I managed to get her a glycerin suppository. It was enormous and I'm seriously not surprised she had tummy ache!

I'm just exhausted by the whole thing. I worry that it's ruining our relationship because I'm always cross with her (I have tried SO hard to be patient but it's gradually running out) and affecting her health.

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and the constant stress is really taking its toll. It's even got to the stage where my husband and I are on the verge of separation because of all the rows and stress.

Please please please can anyone help?!? I'm taking her to her GP tomorrow but, other than give us more suppositories or laxatives, I don't see what he can do.

ARG!!!!

Thanks in advance.

Em

Doctors I think. SOunds like she has a blockage and the wee bits are seeping round it.

Someone else mentioned that but I'm pretty sure that's not the case. I'm pretty sure it's psychological. She did an emormous one just two days ago when we gave her the glycerin suppository and that must've emptied her out because it was enormous. But now we're back to square one and she's holding it in again.

This is so familiar - I have been exactly where you are and got through it - and you will too. But you have my strongest, deepest empathy, because it's such a horrible problem to have to deal with.

It took about a year for my DD to resolve her 'poo issues' - from about two and a half to three and a half. (She is now four.) The problem was, as you say, entirely psychological - she decided that pooing was a problem and simply decided not to, with the result that she got very constipated and she always had bits of leaky poo in her pants. I believe this was probably caused by my putting too much pressure on her to 'perform', but looking forwards rather than backwards is what's needed to solve the problem.

I took her to the GP several times, and we tried the syrups, suppositories, etc. Yes, they work in the short-term to clear blockages (once DD went 10 days without a poo!), but they don't deal with the underlying issue - which is getting your DD to take responsibility for herself. We tried everything - bribes, threats, nothing worked. In the end I consulted a paediatrician who specialises in such things, and she helped us resolve it.

The paediatrician's advice was to take all the pressure off DD. (Much easier said than done - like you, I got so cross about the endless mess, especially as I was certain that she could control her poos if she wanted to.) We had to not mention it at all - even if it was obvious that she needed to do a poo, we should say nothing. When she messed her pants, we had to not comment - but get her to clean herself up as far as she could and rinse her own pants (she wasn't at all keen on that bit!) We had to make going to the toilet totally her responsibility, and nothing to do with us.

When we started this regime, things seemed to improve - but then they deteriorated and got worse than ever. The paediatrician urged us to stick with it. And finally, something seemed to click in DD's brain and she got it. The words I used at that point were: 'I'm not going to tell you any more to use the toilet, you're a big girl now and you can tell yourself when you need to go.' That seemed to strike a chord with her, and she would say 'Mummy I telled myself' - and she was proud of herself when she did it.

Our relationship changed dramatically as a result, and DH and I stopped yelling at each other too. What a year it was! I really hope that my experience is some help (or at least my sympathy). I believe it's a fairly common problem, but not one that people are willing to talk about - which is a shame, as I could have done with advice and support when I was dealing with it.

Let us know how you get on, and try not to get more stressed - you need to take care of yourself!

Hi Treeny. Thank you SO much for your reply. Not that I'm glad that you've been through the same thing that we're going through....but I'm so pleased to hear that we're not alone, if you know what I mean!

It sounds like you found a fantastic paediatrician there and thank you so much for passing on the suggestions that you were given. It's an approach I've not tried yet. I went through a few days of ignoring it completely but my patience soon wore a bit thin and it didn't seem to have any effect so I'll have to try again but also try to make her take responsibility.

She's a very bright 34 month-old so hopefully it'll work sooner rather than later.

Again, thank you SO much! It's so reassuring to hear from someone who's been through it and come out the other side...and someone who appreciates how awful it is and doesn't just think I'm blowing things out of all proportion!

Thanks again. I'll try to keep you posted.

Em

As a postscript, DD now has no poo issues at all - we have gone from the ridiculous to the sublime. She is fascinated by her poos, likes doing them, and will do them in any toilet at all, no matter how grim or grotty. Go figure!!

LOL! Thanks Treeny. That's quite a turnaround! Well, I can live in hope of that one day, I guess.

Just wanted to say thanks again for all the advice. I've trawled the net for help with this issue and the attitude I tend to come across most often is people telling me to 'lighten up' or 'get a grip'. I get told that lots of kids aren't potty trained by three and that I'm being too hard on her.

What they don't seem to understand is that I'm only stressed about it because SHE is stressed about it and it's causing her pain and upset. She ASKS to go and then just seems to get a mental block over it. And of course I'm stressed at having to change her up to twenty times a day whereas most children who are still soiling themselves just need cleaning up once or twice a day.

So basically, thanks. It's so refreshing to happen upon someone who genuinely understands and has some useful advice.

Have already had a little chat with her re: mummy's going to leave her in charge of her wee and poo because she's a big clever girl. She seemed rather pleased with the idea. Watch this space. Crosses fingers, toes, etc...

Thanks again, Treeny! It really is appreciated!

Em