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Parenting

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Original poster

AIBU wanting to see ex partners new home before I leave kids there?

22 replies

sunflowersam · 07/02/2019 12:05

Have tried to find thread on this but can't so forgive me if I am duplicating...

My partner left me at 34 weeks pregnant for another woman. He sees my 22 month old and now 8 week old at my home. I am going to take the boys over to see him, his two other sons and his sister in his new home but I want to take them in before leaving. I think this is a reasonable request given how young they are but wanted to see what other people thought. I am not planning to stay, just want to take the boys in.

OP posts:

Notthatsimple · 07/02/2019 12:09

While YANBU to be curious, YABU to make it a requirement/demand/expect to be entitled to do this.

Cluckinghell · 07/02/2019 12:11

I think yabu to demand it unless you have serious concerns with how he would look after them and I certainly wouldn't want my ex swanning round my home now BUT seeing he is coming to your home at the moment I as a reasonable person wouldn't object to handing over an eight week old baby inside the house if I had an amicable relationship.

Bombardier25966 · 07/02/2019 12:13

Do you have specific concerns or are you being nosey?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old 1 year olds 3rd trimester Babies & sleep

Doyoumind · 07/02/2019 12:14

You don't have any rights to request it. 8 weeks is quite young for visits away from you though. It's not something you necessarily have to agree to.

JennyOnAPlate · 07/02/2019 12:17

Yes you would be unreasonable to insist on seeing his home. I'm pretty sure you don't have to leave an 8 week old baby with him though.

Original poster

sunflowersam · 07/02/2019 12:28

He has two older sons with behavioural issues who have hurt my toddler in the past. I am also currently restricting his access unsupervised because of cocaine misuse. His sister is there to supervise although she isn't comfortable seeing me at the moment. Basically, I think I am being more accommodating than I need to be which is why I want to request to look round.

OP posts:

MissMalice · 07/02/2019 12:29

What are you actually looking for?

Doyoumind · 07/02/2019 12:33

If you have concerns don't do it. You are being too accommodating given your latest post.

SuePerb · 07/02/2019 12:37

Well yes you abu to demand to see his house - I have never seen where my ex takes the children. But I think personally 8 weeks is way too soon to be away from your baby for any period of time. The other parenting concerns are all issues I think(far more than the place he lives). If your children are in danger (which they are if he uses cocaine) then surely you don't have to leave them with him?

I don't actually know where my ex lives even - I don't know the address. Far from ideal, but I have to leave him to parent how he feels fit.

ComeMonday · 07/02/2019 12:38

Why is his sister uncomfortable seeing you?

headinhands · 07/02/2019 12:40

Is his restricted access all on paper? Has it been through court/cafcas etc?

wellhellothereall · 07/02/2019 12:42

You have no right to look around. How would you feel if it was the other way round? If he is a responsible father you have to trust him to be responsible

reallyanotherone · 07/02/2019 12:43

I am also currently restricting his access unsupervised because of cocaine misuse. His sister is there to supervise although she isn't comfortable seeing me at the moment

I don’t think you can demand to look round.

Bottom line is these are your kids. One a tiny baby. You either trust him to look after them or you don’t. His home is irrelevant.

What are you saying- Oh his house is nice so I’m sure the kids will be fine. People in nice houses don’t have drug issues.

I’d be inclined to get social services involved and get them to assess his living circs if you think the kids are at risk.

On a legal note, can you dictate supervised access without a court order? What’s to stop his sister leaving the minute you do? If he has PR and no court order he is a parent, and there is nothing you can do to enforce supervision.

TheInnerVoice · 07/02/2019 12:47

I am going to be slightly blunt here but why is his cocaine use suddenly a problem now that he’s left you?

You were together and presumably planning to remain together until he left for another woman otherwise this fact wouldn’t have been relevant. And while I wouldn’t be comfortable just handing over an eight week old in any circs, if the coke use wasn’t relevant while you were together (and clearly it wasn’t) then it’s not relevant now is it? Even though it is iyswim.

Original poster

sunflowersam · 07/02/2019 13:15

Trying to respond to a number of replies...

I don't trust him because of the cocaine and his subsequent irrational behaviour but he does love his kids and I don't think they would come to harm. That being said, I don't think he can be the best Dad he can be when he prioritises other things.

His sister doesn't want to see me because she's supporting her brothers decision to leave me when pregnant and thinks I've caused a rift in the family. Ridiculous but there we go!

I am going to sit in the car so I can respond to the baby if needed. I realise that 8 weeks is young but I want to keep the two of them together. I'm uncomfortable with the older two because their behaviour is unpredictable but think my toddler wants to see them. I am probably being way too accommodating.

I realise that legally can't restrict access but given the circumstances I am controlling it. It's that or stop it all together. If he wants it to change he can apply for an access order but he doesn't want to go that route because of the drugs. I've checked this with a solicitor.

OP posts:

Original poster

sunflowersam · 07/02/2019 13:16

Re coke, it had been a problem for months, I had been asking him to stop / see a counsellor. I had event threatened to move in with my parents when i was pregnant to take toddler away from it

OP posts:

MissMalice · 07/02/2019 15:21

If you are concerned and there is drug use, really you should be going to court and asking for drug tests. It’s entirely inappropriate to leave children, especially a tiny baby, in the care of a drug addict.

The court may or may not agree to you checking his house but really - what are you looking for? If you don’t think his house is suitable, don’t agree to unsupervised contact.

Original poster

sunflowersam · 07/02/2019 15:37

I don't know what I am looking for really, this whole situation is horrendous.

OP posts:

headinhands · 09/02/2019 13:11

Re coke, it had been a problem for months, I had been asking him to stop / see a counsellor. I had event threatened to move in with my parents when i was pregnant to take toddler away from it

You haven’t said what the problems were specifically with his drug use. What problems was it causing?

MadameJosephine · 09/02/2019 13:16

You’re going to sit outside in the car? How long for?

I think you are being too accommodating tbh, I wouldn’t be happy with leaving my 8 week old and waiting outside in the car

crosspelican · 09/02/2019 13:21

Why haven't you done this through the courts? There's no reason in the world for your 8 week old to be away from you at all, and frankly I wouldn't be over fussed about the 22 month old's desire to see his half-siblings.

Report drug use to social worker and make him go through the courts for access. Is he giving you the correct amount of money?

He's a bastard, and doesn't deserve concessions. Also, a "good father" doesn't leave TWO FAMILIES and FOUR CHILDREN. That's probably one of the better definitions of a "bad father".

MissMalice · 09/02/2019 17:01

If you don’t know what you’re looking for, I can’t see the point of going in. It sounds a bit like an invasion of his privacy really.

In your shoes I would absolutely be going through the court, asking for a drug test and asking for proper supervision.

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