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Parenting

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Original poster

First time mum and an overbearing mother

14 replies

Drama87 · 07/02/2019 00:28

Looking for advice really...

Im due any day and my mum is completely stressing me out. I live 200 miles away from her, with good reason. We've not had a great relationship, although I think she's oblivious to this.

She upsets me almost everytime we speak, with rude comments, jibes or being totally overbearing. An example of this, yesterday she said "you're not calling the baby Norman are you?", Norm being our very close friend who passed away from cancer and yes we are....why would you even ask that question???!!

Without asking me, she told me she would be coming up the day after the baby was born and staying for a few days (but she's going to be "doing us a huge favour and stay in a hotel, just this once"). And she will not stop going on about coming to stay at our house for a week to help with the baby, I've told her no everytime and she just ignores me.

Meanwhile, she's been playing me off against my brother, who said that I'm trying to stop her from being a grandmother.

She keeps going on about how my mother in law will get to see the baby lots more than her, like it's a competition. My MIL lives 30 minutes away.

This is just the tip of the iceberg (I appreciate this post is already very long so won't go into anymore details!)

I'm just wondering if anyone has any tips on how to deal with this situation. She'll make out like I'm being a huge evil bitch whatever I do, but if I can try and minimise the damage to mine and my brother's relationship, that would be good! And having her stay here is most definitely not an option!!

TIA x

OP posts:

TigerQuoll · 07/02/2019 01:51

Can you write out a list of behaviours you'd like her to observe for while she's visiting? And if she doesn't manage it, then tell her she isn't welcome anymore. It may help if you invite your brother to come at the same time (they can share a twin hotel room to save costs, or he can stay with you). That way when she starts being nasty he observes it in the first person rather than relying on he said-she said to judge whose side is more reasonable, and risking your relationship with him.

TigerQuoll · 07/02/2019 01:51

By the way Norman is a really cute name!

Oceanbliss · 07/02/2019 02:06

I have no advice it's a difficult situation. No one who is about to give birth should have to deal with that kind of stress. Could your dh have a word with her? Also congratulations

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Original poster

Drama87 · 07/02/2019 08:23

Thanks TigerQuoll, as bad luck would have it, my brother is moving from London to the south coast tomorrow so won't be able to come up for a few weeks, and I'm 41 weeks (living in Manchester) today. I would much prefer him here to act as a "buffer" but it's just sods law. But you have given me food for thought, perhaps when he does come up, that could be the opportunity that she comes up as well.

Oceanbliss, thank you, my DH is incredibly placid and doesn't like to bad mouth her, or anyone, but even he was really really upset with the whole Norman name thing. I think these 3 days she's up straight after the baby is born will be interesting, perhaps I just need to be very honest with her myself.

OP posts:

Hospitaldramafamily · 07/02/2019 08:45

I would start as you mean to go and say, "We'll see how we're doing when we're home from hospital and we'll arrange a good time for you to come. Thanks for staying in a hotel- very thoughtful of you to give us some space."

Hospitaldramafamily · 07/02/2019 08:53

I know that's easier said than done but my own mother has s history of being incredibly overbearing so I've had to use similar tactics in the past. So she might get annoyed but that's the worst that can happen. Sometimes you can have a fear of s parent's disapproval but that's all it is

7yo7yo · 07/02/2019 08:55

You do realise she might stay at a hotel but she’ll be at yours every day ALL day.
Tell her she can come later when your partner is back at work (if he’s on pat leave) or not at all.

flumpybear · 07/02/2019 09:10

I'd tell her to leave it a few weeks til the baby and you have settled in as you'll probably only briefly see her in the few days after as you'll be establishing bf / bonding / your partner will be home etc so it's a bad time

Lunacake · 07/02/2019 09:19

Hi, Norman is a lovely name 😊 I went through a similar situation, but it was the MIL who was a nightmare. She came over everyday, making nasty comments about my parenting. What was meant to be a lovely bonding time for me and baby, was completely ruined by her. Me and my partner have agreed that next time round, we aren’t having any visitors for weeks.

My advice is to tell her to leave it a few weeks. You need time to bond with baby, and having her over telling you what to do and being overbearing will ruin the precious time.

Pantheon · 07/02/2019 09:22

I feel for you. You've had some good advice above. I'd just add that you have the right to be assertive and make decisions for your family and what's right for you. You have the right to say 'We're very happy with our choice of name' or 'We'd like you to come in a few weeks instead' and just repeat it. Your DM might not like it when you're assertive, but that doesn't mean you've done something wrong, it is her issue.

GenJan · 07/02/2019 09:23

Ive got also an overbearing mother who unfortunately I'm living with and im due next month the whole pregnancy its been like its her baby coming into the world, ive had no opportunity to buy my baby anything and she's jumped ahead brought everything!
She had views on the babys name and i stuck to my guns with my choice.
She's invited herself to the birth inwhich I definitely don't want her there as she thinks im a drama queen anyway so i know there will be constant comments throughout as 'im not the only one who's pregnant in the world' and 'im only pregnant I haven't lost a limb'. But she only says this stuff because she 'cares'.
We had a massive argument sunday to which i told her to back off as im 26 not 16! It didn't go down well at all im apparently selfish but all shes done is cause me stress more than ever, so in my experience as much as i hate arguments its the perfect way to voice your thoughts and whats the worse she can do is cop the ump and give you the silence treatment!
But least shes miles away from you and if she saying shes coming down I personally wouldn't tell her your going into labour or the baby's born, remember its your moment not hers!!

Original poster

Drama87 · 07/02/2019 09:37

Oh GenJan I feel for you girl!! What a nightmare. Sounds like you handled the argument well though.

Thank you everyone for all the advice, really helpful XX and good to know I'm not the only one of this problem! You feel like you're a horrible daughter 😔

OP posts:

explodingkitten · 07/02/2019 10:01

In the Netherlands you have a kind of birthing units with medical help attached where you can rent the room per day. It's a bit like a hotel only you get proffesional care during the birth and you can stay in the room afterwards while they still help you if you ask for it. It costs extra money of course. One of my colleagues did this for a week with each child because it helped keep her family at a distance. If she would have been home they would have taken over the house and never left because of their culture. Do you have something similar where you are?

mumofthree321 · 07/02/2019 10:02

I had a very similar situation to you when our first was about to be born. A agree with the others that she should wait a few weeks and allow you some space after the baby is born. She will probably make you feel awful and guilty, but you have to start as you mean to go on. I also told my mum that she MUST ok any weekend visits with me before booking train tickets or making plans. Again, visits must be on your terms. My mums initial idea was that she'd come up every other weekend which wasn't what we wanted at all, so I had to just tell her we wanted to be a family together without visitors in the house. I'm sure she wasn't happy with this, but she respected it and has come up to stay with us every few months for the last 14yrs. It may be tricky getting it right in the early days and she may not be happy with you, but you need to be honest and stick to your guns. On the plus side, the visits every few months have always been a blessing - we were able to go out and meet friends, go to the cinema, away for weekends or I could do little things that are impossible with a baby like get my highlights done or go shopping (without a buggy - bliss)!!! So even when she is there, make the most of it and plan things to do which will give you some much needed time without the baby (however much you love the baby, time away to be you is so important too). Good luck

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