When bffs leave and the family are strange

[naysayer]

Need to run this scenario past people. DD has known her BF since they were 3 (now 10). The family have relocated two hours away. I always knew it would be difficult maintaining contact as they are very arm's length and I have respected that. However the friend's mother said from the time of the move two months ago that they would regularly meet up with us, and was very enthusiastic about the girls writing, even providing stamped, addressed postcards to their temporary address. We have not received their permanent address even though they have one, and they have ours.

Since then there have been one or two letters, and to my surprise one included her friend's mobile number. So DD and her have been texting and had the odd conversation, I say odd because the other family frown on close friendships. That's been apparent since they were at nursery. DD's pal has had frantic, whispered exchanges when she has called, or DD has called her, along the lines of 'my dad will be angry if he knows I am talking to you'. We are talking about two ten year old girls. DD has been very cautious and not instigated phone calls or texts because of the disapproval this is obviously regarded with at the other end. We have always trodden on eggshells.

Tonight, she disappeared away with her phone and came back ten mins later saying she had had a call from her friend. They talked for two mins, maybe, and DD said her friend had said to her that her dad thought our DD was 'tracking her' because she had been texting so much. To be clear, our DD has only texted in response to her friend. And weeks have passed without contact. DH and I are really upset by the really unpleasant accusation from DD's best friend's father, through her, that she is an effin stalker. It was, after all, the pal who provided her number, presumably with her parents' knowledge (though, I am under no illusion, not blessing). The traffic has been two-way, though sporadic, because of the other family's utter suspicion of other people's motives.

I am just really pissed off now that two months into what should be two little girls keeping in touch in a normal way there is this bad feeling hanging over it all. For the whole time they were friends at school (five and a half years plus two at nursery) they have been in each other's houses maybe half a dozen times (more to ours as I pretty much held the door open). They haven't had a play date outside school since DD's 7th birthday. They are best friends, really close, and DD is really struggling with the loss. She said it was like her friend had died. The other girl obviously feels the same way and wants to maintain her friendship. What is going on?

the other family frown on close friendships

her friend had said to her that her dad thought our DD was 'tracking her' because she had been texting so much

It sounds like he may have problems with paranoia. Might they have moved because of that? Either because he /they were paranoid about something locally, or he needed to move jobs because he was getting too weird at work and was managed out or asked to leave?

At the very least it sounds like your DD's friend may be growing up socially isolated, and potentially picking up, or being confused by, paranoid ideas from a parent. She could probably do with more social contact with people other than her parents.

I'm not sure this is a definite 'call social services' one, but I'd be thinking about it at any rate. (In the area where the temporary address was, or maybe even locally where you are and where the friend used to live - moving to get away from social services is a thing.)

Could your DD's friend call during school lunch times so the father doesn't know about it? Or are they not allowed phones at school?

I think this family are weird and the best thing you could do for your daughter is gently minimise the relationship and encourage other friendships instead.

even if they were perfectly normal and encouraging of friendships the reality is that it is hard to maintain a "best friend" who lives 2 hours away. it kind of dwindles at that age. My best friend moved at similar age and while we wrote to each other and visited, basically we both moved on and just maintained a bit of contact.

So I think you should recognise that this family is a bit nuts and encourage your dd to move on and let the friendship die down a bit

Im wondering if dad is poorly tbh.

If the other girl is as isolated as she sounds it probably means a lot to her to have a friend who will still make the effort - I think she needs some consideration in this too.

I'm potentially a bit worried for the mum too; it's hard to tell from the OP if it's both her and the dad who are thinking this stuff, or if, judging by the mum's friendliness about staying in touch, it might be the dad getting increasingly paranoid and trying to control other members of the household. People can have paranoia like this whilst seeming pretty normal and organised in other areas of life, it doesn't have to mean schizophrenia or dementia or something.

Do you know if the girl has a new school or if she is being home educated?

I don’t think it’s fair in your DD to put her in this position where she feels bad for wanting to maintain the friendship and following her friend’s lead. What on Earth is going on with the girl’s parents?! They seems very odd indeed.

Thank you all, it is an enormous relief to read everyone's take on this.

Gemmaxyz, I get what you are saying about the mum and many times it's been apparent she lives under his rules. For example when the girls hit it off at nursery I once offered to pick the friend up at the same time and take her back to ours for a play, thinking I was doing the mum a favour as there is a younger sibling who was a baby at the time and they lived a bit out of the way. The mum said to me straight, "I don't think my husband would approve, you've got to be really careful who you give your kids to." Basically saying that by taking her three year old back to play with mine for an hour I must be a paedophile. One time when I did get them to come over (mum too), the girls came downstairs with messy, toddler nail varnish on (you know, the stuff that's orange paint and not the real thing). The mum reacted like they'd come down dressed as hookers and said "oh my god we'll have to get that off before your dad sees you" before frantically wiping her DD's nails down.

The two of them would come running out of school begging to come and play at my house and she would always have the same response: "not today."

It's almost like she has Stockholm syndrome or something, but she seems to share this hardline view on keeping people out of their lives. There has certainly never seemed to be a cry for help.

I don't know what he does but I do recall that about five years ago the mum told me he had gotten in trouble for picking a fight with his boss in a bar on a works night out. I think he works in contract computer stuff - never the same job longer than 6 months. I don't know what the outcome of the brawl was since, as open as some chats have been from time to time, they have always been followed up by strong signals to keep your distance, so there has been no continuity to our relationship as mothers of two best friends. I certainly can't describe us as friends.

Another example, your point about the mum's friendliness is a good one too, because she could change at the drop of a hat. When she told me they were moving it was during a rare conversation at a school event. She was all open and sensitive to the enormity of it all for the girls, and definite about keeping in touch. Next time I saw her at another school event three weeks later I asked what was happening with the move. She bit my head off and said she was just trying to get her kids and get out of the event without talking to anyone, and added that she had no idea what was happening with the move. It was like she was on orders not to say anything. It was the Christmas carol concert and while all the kids were all running around having a ball she rounded hers up and barked at them that they had to leave, right now.

They did a geographical from another part of the country a few years ago so have been here for quite a long time before moving further away from their origins again. I recall her saying family politics played a part in them wanting to be away from their relatives.

The place they moved to temporarily was a holiday cottage and I think they have also bought somewhere closer in that direction. It is apparent they want nothing to do with anyone, but that has caused problems as far as their kids making friends is concerned.

TigerQuoll, I wouldn't imagine phones are allowed at the school - they are not at ours - and in any case it looks to us like the father goes through her phone records like an investigator.

I agree with what everyone's said about letting things just go but it's hard when they have meant so much to each other, and unfortunately we sent DD to a very small school where there is not much to fall back on friendwise.

The point about the dad being poorly - yep, probably on the money. What about calling social services though, what could I say? What evidence is there about anything apart from that they are strange?

She's been enrolled at a small school in the even smaller place they have moved to. You would think a city would be the place to go to disappear.

It sounds as if the father is being highly controlling to the mother and the daughter is being socially isolated. The concerns about being tracked sounds like he is paranoid. Moving frequently like that could also be a red flag as social services know abusive families do that.

Kids can pick up paranoid habits from parents and it can take years to unlearn, and the odd ideas can compound isolation because they sound weird to other children.

I can't find the thread this was from, I think it was last week or the week before, but it's a piece of social work research about emotional neglect and the difficulties of working with affluent families, and it seems to suggest the bar for involvement is potentially lower than a lot of people might think. www.gold.ac.uk/media/documents-by-section/departments/social-therapeutic-and-comms-studies/Report---Neglect-in-Affluent-Families-1-December-2017.pdf

On abusive relationship threads there are quite often people who with hindsight were glad of social services telling them to leave an abusive man because it was in the best interests of the kids. Although of course she may need to be ready to do so.

Social services involvement would reinforce the paranoia of course, that is a drawback. As they have moved he might think it was someone in the new area who had called them. But if there isn't any outside intervention there's a much higher chance the girl will stay in that situation until she is ready to go to uni (if she can go) and the mother goodness knows how long as she does sound scared. Although it's impossible to be sure what action they would take. ,

Thanks for this Gemma, I must admit I haven't been thinking of flagging them up to social services. I have just always thought it was their way of running a family although the way it has impacted on ours has been why I've sought others' opinions. How could I put it to social services?

I heard from the mum last Friday afternoon, two days after I had messaged to say I thought the girls should just write proper letters, following the tracking remark. I kept it very calm and unemotive, and also asked for their new address so DD could write to somewhere other than their holiday home. She came back and agreed that writing was better but she can't give me their new address as they could be moving again.... Then later another text saying she wasn't sure what I meant by tracking but that they were both happy for the girls to stay in touch. I have held my nerve and simply said I wasn't sure either but it was not a term originating at our end.

Moving again tho, and no address in the meantime other than the holiday home they go to once in a while. I agree someone - daughter or mother - will be affected at some point by being so conspicuously isolated, but what can I say to social services other than these folk don't socialise normally.