Struggling with 3 year old and 10 month old

[Fuzzyduck21]

I'm a SAHM and just about had enough. My 3yr old has picked up terrible behaviour from nursery and screams and shouts and me and doesn't listen to most of what I ask him to do. My 10 month old is incredibly unsettled and cries and whines a lot. I find the baby stage incredibly difficult as it is. He hates being in the car and screams constantly so it's a nightmare going anywhere. He is bf and wakes about 50 million times a night whether we cosleep or not. My house looks like a bomb has gone off. No family nearby. Just feel like I have no idea how much longer I can do this.... I love them both so much but cannot continue with this daily struggle. I have no idea how other mums keep their cool and it just looks effortless. Can't go back to work as can't face putting baby in childcare plus wages wouldn't cover both kids in childcare and I'm not prepared to pay to go to work. Am currently looking for an evening job to have time off duty. Baby will just have to take a bottle while I am out.

Anyone else the same?! I always feel I'm the only one struggling x

You poor thing, you sound like you are being run ragged. It will get better. Do you want some suggestions on how you could shake thingsup? Or just a hand hold and some

Do you have a partner op? What kind of hours at nursery does your 3 year old do? Will your baby take a bottle?

I have a 3yo and 7m old and I'm bloody exhausted. Last night baby was wanting fed at 9 and 10, dd1 woke up at 1115 poorly wanting me not daddy, me getting up caused baby to wake up and she cried until 3am. She'd only sleep on her front on me and everyone o tried to put her down she woke crying. She fed again at 5 and then we were all up for the day at 7 😣 I've never been so tired.

During the day babu hates being put down so my hpuse is a tip and even if I had someone who'd have her for an hour or two she wouldn't go to them. I love my kids to bits but today is a bad day, I'm shattered. So hugs to you, I know how you feel. I can't really go to work until Sept when eldest starts reception so I get you on that front to

God how many typos
Sorry

He probably not picked up behaviour from nursery, he's acting like a nearly four year old with a relativley new sibling ie a pain in the arse.

can you get the baby on a bottle, pronto?

Thanks for all the support

I'll happily take suggestions seatosky!

I bottle fed my first and really wanted to stick at bf with this baby so I'm a bit reluctant to offer bottles in case he develops a preference but I also know that's probably the source of most of my problems. He will take a bottle and occasionally, maybe once a month, will have one from dh while I'm out. I've sent him in with one during the night but I'm awake anyway as he doesn't hear the baby so I have to elbow him out of bed and the baby still wakes up 60 to 90 min later anyway so I haven't bothered persevering. Maybe that's one option. He gets really funny nappies after a bottle though which makes me wonder if he gets belly ache and I get naff all expressing.

3yr old goes to nursery 1.5 days a week which is a help. You're right it probably is just normal 3yr old stuff but then I start blaming myself and wondering if he gets the attitude from me as while I do try to bottle my frustration it does sometimes get out in the form of snapping and shouting at them :( I just feel like I've done everything wrong and ruined them and want to go back and start again and maybe then my kids would be happy.

Huntawaymama sorry you had a crappy night but does make me feel less alone!

Sorry it all sounds like I'm wallowing in self pity (prob cos I am!) X

Can you increase nursery hours for the 3yr old ? At 3, my eldest went 5 days a week 9-12pm so enough to get into a good routine (and be tired in the afternoon). I would try to increase how much the 10 mo is eating to reduce the feeding. Just give him access to healthy snacks all the time. I think 10months is tricky is he mobile / crawling?

How supportive is your day? He should be doing housework if it needs doing, some cooking, taking over when he gets in (Bath and bed etc for the 3 year old at least), is he pulling his weight? I had 2 under two and from dd being around 4 months old I went out once a week in the evening, leaving dp with the kids. Dd had one bottle of f a day which made this much easier.

Do you go to any toddler groups? I have always found them to be an absolute life line.

I think giving a bottle and making sure your baby has plenty of food during the day will help.

Some suggestions, use or discard as you want. Just remember that when you are backed into a parenting corner/rut/godawful situation it mostly takes a few days of harder work to dig your way out. But then you reap the benefit for the next few months until you realise that things have changed/they are in a new annoying phase/you unknowingly let something else slip and you have to dig out again.

1. Start to use formula, it will change the nappies, that is fine, but it will mean your body doesnt have to run your life while simultaneously building milk. Your energy levels will probably increase
2. Go to your GP and ask for blood tests for iron, ferritin, thyroid levels, vitamin D and anything else that could be associated with low energy. You may find you need some supplements as your body is drained.
3. DH needs to help sleep train the baby, when you have established a day bottle feed, DH needs to stay up and do the last night feed with a bottle and the getting up and down until midnight. You go to bed right after your 3 yr old 7pm ish (hopefully) and get at least 5 hrs sleep before you have to take over. Is there somewhere else in the house you can put a mattress so you wont be disturbed.
4. Once a bottle is established at the last night feed, start cutting out any other night feeds, just offer water, shush and pat. This is going to take about 3 nights of hard work. A 10 month old is very capable of going from a last feed at 10pm until 6am, it does take some effort as you have to retrain their hunger biorhythm. Think about how often you wake up hungry for breakfast.
5. When baby is fussy during the day, try a dose of calpol as a test. If an hour later he is more settled, it is likely the fussing is pain. If so go to the GP and check for ear infection etc. Mine were buggers for having symptom-less ear infections except for horrendous whinging.
6. The three year old is likely testing his limits. Time to introduce some consequences and rewards. Sticker charts for getting coat and hat on nicely, eating food nicely, anything else (but has to be a concrete job). Naughty step after 3 warnings and dont enter into any conversation, justification, moaning at him.
7. For shouting and yelling at you, try saying “in the fuzzyduck family we dont shout at each other, we use kind voices” then “if you shout or yell at Mummy I am not going to listen to you. When you use your kind fuzzyduck family voice then I will listen to you” and follow through. Its amazing how quick kids learn that different rules work in different places and with different people and adapt to it (or exploit it!)
8. Get a cleaner to do the big jobs if you can afford it (I have a cleaner every 2 weeks so I know the place is getting scrubbed and sheets changed then at a minimum and I add what I can/need to in between) If you cant afford a regular cleaner try and get a one time blitz just to get you back on top of it all.
9. Arrange with DH that going forward one evening a week is yours from x to y time. You can stay in and have a long bath or go out, but he is on deck with the kids and house. Knowing you have that time to yourself makes all the difference to your MH. Some weeks I would pack a snack and a book and drive my car to a local park and sit there in the blissful quiet for 2 hours from 6 to 8 pm. Im sure some people thought I was crazy but I just needed the quiet to recharge

You are most definitely not alone! I too have a 3 year old and a 14 month old. And while in some ways it is getting easier...it also feels like it's getting harder. Both DC have never been good sleepers, and while at least DD is sleeping through (she started at 2.5 when the baby arrived, typically!) she still of course has unsettled nights. Which would be fine...if it wasn't for the fact she's passed the baton on to her little brother whose sleep is terrible. My DH and I take it in turns to co sleep with him. I'm used to not getting much sleep but I work 4 days a week and it is very hard going at times.

DD is a typical 3 year old. Spirited, developing fast with her language and skills but frustrated that she can't do more. Very stubborn. DS is into climbing up everything, he never stops from the minute he wakes (usually at 5.30am) and likes constant attention. I adore them both and know that they are just doing what babies and little kids do...but my patience is constantly stretched. I do worry like you that my reactions to getting stressed are affecting her.

Every day feels like a constant treadmill (set too fast) of chores, work, feeding, bedtimes, planning meals etc and repeat. We have no family nearby and friends can only do so much (we don't feel able to have babysitters outside of immediate family for both of them yet. It wouldn't be fair on anyone else!) We have very limited rest time and romance moved out of our house a long time ago

I will say that when I stopped breastfeeding DS at 12 months, it got a bit easier for me because it meant DH can do nights too now. That is an enormous help and gets me through.

What else works? Exercise. Going for a run, not to get super fit but to clear my head and get me time. I am lucky in that I can go to the gym at work, but on mat leave I would go for a 20 minute run once DH got home, or at weekends. It has kept me sane.

I felt no guilt stopping bf because DS was 1 and eating very well. And I didn't have to give him formula which he never took to (or bottles for that matter). The end will be in sight there, please don't feel it won't change because it will.

Much sympathy and understanding to you. Small children are HARD WORK. I wouldn't change a thing but I do occasionally wonder how much easier it would be if we had stuck with one DC. But I know hope it'll all be worth it!