DD2 has hurt DD1 what should we do?

[Lieinrequired]

DD2 is 6. Earlier this evening she had a tantrum - tried hitting and kicking me. This is not unusual for her. I thought she had calmed down but then she hurt her older sister's leg. DD1 was still in massive pain after paracetamol and ibuprofen so DH has taken her to A&E.

DD2 initially did not seem to recognise that she had hurt DD1. She tried to attack DH. It took her about 20 minutes before she realised what she had done. Then she was very sorry.

She is always very good at school but so different at home. She is aware that she needs to be good at school and says it is too difficult to also be good at home. Sometimes we have a really bad evening and I eventually manage to find out from her that she was frustrated about something that happened at school.

She is very sensitive about clothes, having her hair brushed, tooth brushing is challenging. She does not like unexpected changes and often wants to watch the same tv program repeatedly. Some of her tantrums occur when i stop her watching tv. i always give her advance warning that it is going to be time to stop watching soon but this doesn't seem to make much difference.

I really think we need some help with her. She is not happy (none of us are). Should I try to talk to a GP about this or to the school? Since she is so good at school, I feel that they just won't believe the difference at home.

Cross posted- I’m glad that your dd is ok. I would make sure to give both girls lots of hugs- both girls will need love and reassurance tonight.

Good point from PP about memory. DD is 6 and we talk a lot about the difference between, what she calls ‘animal brain’ and her ‘thinking brain’ (She likes the science behind it.) So she recognises things that trigger that kind of red-midst fight or flight and knows that if we can buy some time, her thinking brain will kick in again. That might not be ideal as a strategy actually but she seems to like it.

Sorry. I’ve written far too much about only one child’s needs here - the advice in the interest of protecting DD2’s sister (and in the long-run, herself) is far more pertinent in reflection.

Good luck, OP. I hope DD1 is okay.

I know everyone on here calls the ASD card very quickly

no they don't. They suggest it when there's reason to suspect it and don't refer to it as "the ASD card", it is offensive and ignorant.

OP it definitely sounds like there's more going on. I have a dd with ASD and what you are saying rings bells. It's not uncommon for girls to mask very well at school and let it all out on parents and at home.

Fair point, re the terminology but I’ve seen it used a number of times
for a lot of difficult behaviours not necessarily linked to ASD. But ‘the ASD card’ was clumsy - sorry. I’ve only now really just grasped that.

@MostlyBoastly thanks for saying that 😊.

Poor Dd1, I don’t think you should just ignore what happened today. If she did that to someone outside of your family you would most likely have the police calling. It was severe enough to land the oldest child in a+e. Your daughter deserves to feel safe in her own home

Unfortunately, these are situations many of us face at home on a daily basis - how to protect all oir children and make them feel safe.

I am absolutely not going to ignore what has happened.

I have spoken to a member of staff at DD2's school today. She is going to talk to some other staff with the aim of arranging a meeting to discuss how they can help. She recognised that at least some of the problems stem from the stress that DD feels at school.

DH and I do make sure that each child gets 1:1 time and have their own space.

Just checking in to see how things are, OP?

I grew up with a younger sibling who had these violent meltdowns up until the age of 9-10; in his case trauma rather than ASD.

A few things helped:

we knew that a parent would intervene and restrain him if he got beyond himself

we had somewhere we could get away: doors that could be locked

it was explained to us very clearly that db could not help himself

our mum, in particular, got very good at spotting the warning signs and try to ward them off

both parents worked together and there was a plan

we were not blamed for having provoked the tantrums

A few things might have helped more:

a little more reassurance of us after an event: not so much me, as I was 3 years older and very motherly, but certainly middle brother

Later my own dd had the same violent meltdowns- again, trauma rather than ASD

I got very good at restraining technique- dh less so, as he is physically timid, so I usually dealt with that.